mlerules

Folks talk/write lots about "processing" grief, but I don't think I understand the concept. I'm experiencing the grief, not "processing" it. It's here; it ebbs and flows. Sometimes it's all-consuming and heart-wrenching. Sometimes I forget it for a spell. It lurks in the background until a memory or a sight or a song or a scent or whatEVER brings it again to the fore. Kleenex is my friend.

Grief's a part of - but not interfering with - my daily life, although what that looks like remains a work in progress. I'm still working on returning to a life that's not dictated by pain management, poop management, Rx galore, doctor/hospice/nurse/CNA/social worker appointments, &c. Getting outta Hypervigilant Mode hasn't been easy, but I've begun getting a bit more sleep at night.

I aim to get something practical and needful done every day, be it doing laundry, picking up his Cremains, telling Safeway to stop texting about his Rx refills - the answer is and will hereafter be NO, removing Rx labels and filling bags of Rx to take eventually to the pharmacy drop-off box (and some - chemo Rx - to hazardous waste), cleaning off the dining room table (reclaiming space bit by bit), reorganizing the living room, smudging & resmudging the spot where his death bed took up space for longer than strictly necessary - now an empty space I walks through daily, blahblahblah.

I also make a point to get out and about every day, both into Nature (even if just the backyard), and also around people. I try to walk somewhere every day. Sometimes I visit a fave coffeehouse. Other times I hang out with friends. I also listen to music lots at home and in the car. So many songs we loved and shared together. And still finding new ones to enjoy. Music - live and recorded - is something we enjoyed together, and has always mattered to me, and will continue to do so.

He made a point of telling me how important it is - and how much he wanted - for me to live a full, rich life once he was gone. I plan to honor his wishes and do just that. Gone but not forgotten. That is the truth. He'll live on in my memories, and in those of so many he impacted.

I'm not sure what there is to "process." I'll just keep on living, even as it sucks that he's not here in person. I still talk to him, telling him what I've seen and thought that day. His art and photos and photos of him fill my home. He fills my heart. I'm glad we had as much time together as we had (13 years yesterday - over 20% of my life so far, although that % will dwindle, which fact makes my heart ache a bit).

I just want to take a frakking shower. But medication delivery requires a signature. The Must Have Now meds that were to arrive yesterday afternoon, didn't. This was after I called mid-day when the bundle of Needed in 3 Days meds showed up, but the urgent ones didn't. After another phone call this AM, I've been assured they'll arrive today. But until then, I cannot take a shower because I need to wait where I can hear the doorbell, answer the door, and sign for them. There's SO much more, but this is all I choose to whine about here and now.

Ah, well, I'll prevail upon the Dear Friend who's staying here now to take over doorbell duty once off a work Zoom in another hour or so. Until then, mebbe I'll pick back up the book I've tried to open and read for about 48 hours now, but keep getting distracted so haven't. At least I got a solid 4.5 hour chunk of sleep last night. Huzzah!

Things were going really quite well for a while, (Well, for a few days anyway, but these days that can feel like a frakkin' lifetime.) A few days sans pain felt really promising, even if the sleep-time had increased again. Then came the latest blood test results just yesterday. PSAs have risen a bit, after steadily falling for months and months. Mind you, it's unclear whether this is an actual concern or "merely a fluctuation." WhatEVER, we need to make (yet another) CT Scan appointment. And of course they're closed today, so it's on the calendar to call first thing Monday AM. It doesn't need to happen until before the next OncDoc appointment (and infusion) in early August, but I'll feel better getting it on the calendar ASAP, as making an appointment is at least something I CAN control.

Yeah, yeah, I know (in my head) there's no reason to panic or overreact, but it's really frakkin' hard not to fall down rabbit holes of What If's...and so I'm trying hard not to do so. It'd be helpful to keep bizzy, and dawg knows I've got stuff to do, but I remain exhausted from recent poor sleep episodes compounded by yesterday's outing where I was declared the Designated Driver which had NOT been my understanding of what was on tap (based on what had been discussed and told to me). WhatEVER, I'm bushed right now and don't want to spin and need to take care of some things but don't have much energy and the phrase "Just Do It" bugs the everlasting carp outta me

Gonna nap now...or putter...or escape by finishing up my current book...

https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cd0p0rz4n0mo?

For some reason this really hits hard. Perhaps b'c it's also the BF's age. Tears now streaming down my face as I contemplate mortality. Yeah, and the fact that I've now made it to the age my father had reached when he died doesn't help.

Neither does the current Mix-Tape playing: an ongoing project of Mellow tunes. Current count: 150 tracks, over nine (9) hours of music. Thankfully the sun just came out and brightened up the day. Realizing the importance of living life fully and well now, because we don't know how much time we have, either overall or in decent health.

So glad he's sleeping so doesn't have to see my tears/grief/distress. Yeah, well, apparently I'm now using this space like I used to use LiveJournal...

Last Friday we returned to the ER. Better luck this time. It helps calling and talking with a doctor about issues and having them call the ER letting them know you'll be there soon. Turns out there're two different medical issues at hand. In order to get admitted (hospital beds are at a premium), they had to shift him to an associated hospital about 15 miles further away. They did so around midnight; I went home after 11pm once I knew what was happening. Apparently on the way there, chest pains were added to the list of concerns. As you can imagine, that caused quite flurry of activity. Eep!

Anyway, he'll be there at least another 2 nights as they work on the issues. One seems well enough in hand, t'other's less tractable. Seems like things're getting worse. (Thank goodness I'm not in charge for a while. Time to let the professionals get matters under control.) Honestly, unless things improve considerably in the next 36 hours, I'd be amazed if he's out before Monday at the earliest. It'd be nice to know, though, for planning purposes. I've got my own medical issues to contend with, with appointments I really don't want to put off again happening mid-day tomorrow and first thing Saturday morning.

Meanwhile, what had been a 10-15 minute drive from home is now a 40-75 minute journey (depending on traffic). At least 'twas a 3-day weekend so it wasn't that bad until today, when it took over an hour to get home, even leaving by 2:30pm. Oy!


For now, I'll just Keep on Swimming, and remembering to hydrate and eat and sleep when I can.

My day began with a delightful Betty Crocker moment, when I got a noseful of freshly baked blueberry banana muffins upon opening the bedroom door. The Dear Friend who's spent so much time here this year, helping out tremendously, got up early to bake. *love & appreciation* I dropped her off at PDX this AM for a 3-week return to CA. So thankful she's returning before long.

On the way home from the airport, I visited Crema Coffeehouse for a snack and a hot beverage and read s'more of my current most excellent book (Stuart Turton's "The 7-1/2 Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle"). After that I enjoyed a fine spa hour at Everett Healing House. 'Twas cool and overcast out; quite delightful. Nekkid outdoor jacuzzi and fire pit time for the win. Before heading home, I returned to Crema for more reading and hot tea.

Now the house smells of chicken stock simmering. When I went out to harvest some thyme for the stockpot, I stopped to deadheaded some irises and wander around the backyard some. Feeling pleased with the results of my Benign Neglect strategy over the past dozen years of living here: a lovely sane-making space. I've got laundry going and feel both accomplished and quite mellow.

I much appreciated this state as the past several days featured a fair amount of worry and concern. Feeling better after today's mellow activities combined with the the medical professionals not-so-concerned attitudes and suggestions. Keeping fingers crossed that the recommended Rx med changes (dosages and shifts in time of day) work over the course of the next week to decrease the concerning thingiemabobs.

For some reason I feel in a really good mood now: positive and smiling. I've recently spent time with several Dear Friends, and have more such time to come. Listening to music tonight. Going through lotsa favorite tunes. I've begun making a Mix-Tape for someone. This means I browse through prior compilations, picking and choosing possibilities, remembering fondly so many past occasions I've done this. I shan't analyze the carp outta all this. I choose to enjoy it, to appreciate it, because this matters so much these days. Tears of joy now pouring down my cheeks. Pleased for a good evening.

...is an act of hope, and therefore resistance.

Today I saw: glimmers of Spring, crocus(i/es?) galore, ditto daffodils and camellias

Today I got: a chance to talk deeply about life and death with a Dear Friend

Today I was able to: gracefully accept that what I wanted to do this AM conflicted with what I needed to do (unlike yesterday); cry on a Dear Friend's shoulder; regain some equillibrium

Today I read: https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2026/3/3/2371519/-Judge-The-Laws-Of-Human-Decency-Condemn-Such-Villainy - GOOD WORDS, may they be heeded. History will judge much of what's currently happening in this country harshly, deservedly so.

Today I gave: a sh!t and let it be known

Today I ask the universe for: a better day than yesterday (already so)


Heh, well, I certainly flavored this My Way today.

I'm wearing my Santa hat, as I do every December. The xmas tree's trimmed and smells nice. Some wrapped gifts have gone under the tree. More're on the dining room table awaiting wrapping. I've played lots of holiday music. This afternoon I made it the post office to mail off xmas gifts a full two-days before the deadline. Yet it still doesn't really FEEL like xmas. Mebbe it will once the 'rents arrive later this week for a week.

It really feels as if I've missed several months this year, hence it doesn't feel like December. 2025's had too much worry. Too much time in hospitals (visiting, not admitted). Too much unknown and uncertain, both in the world and closer to home. Seems like I remain flustered. I've put off seeing peeps, which ain't normal for me, but it's what I've needed, apparently. Or something...

ZippidyZipZOOM! Fambily and friends in town in quick succession. Too Much Heat to come. This summer's felt better weather wise than the past several. How izzit nearly Fall? Of 2025? It's been a heck of a year in so many ways. Must needs sleep now...