mlerules

The transition to hospice has gone far easier than it could have. New goal: comfort until the end (the final - or at least next - transition). They say 4-6 months, but who knows? Amazing how many folks have come outta the woodwork with kind words and offers of support and assistance. I'm touched. Boxes of Kleenex remain within arm's reach throughout the house. It's not bad (although 'tis sad). It just is what it is. (Yeah, I abhor that phrase yet it works here.) Still managing to get out and about some on my own. Taking everything as slow as I can go, as overwhelm remains close to the surface.

Thankfully a Dear Friend (who's already spent 13 weeks here this year) returns in about a month, which is grand and'll be quite helpful. My l'il bro will also visit again around then for another several days (twice in 2 months after a decade's absence); huzzah!

Not feeling quite so exhausted today, thankfully. Yesterday was Not Good. I finally really felt the buildup of so much poor sleep and interrupted sleep and weeks and weeks atop months and months of ongoing concern and worry and not ideal sleep and doctor appointments and ER visits and hospitalizations and a big procedure on Monday and way too much pain afterwards andandand

Yeah, I've been trying to take time for myself and be good to myself b'c you cannot take care of another unless you take care of yourself blahblahblah Oh, I also don't function so well in Big Heat these days, which recently added to the stress. Anyway, it all finally HIT HARD yesterday.

Although I did finally manage to get outta the house again for non-medical reasons yesterday, it felt like a case of better late than never...

I visited one of my fave coffeeshops, ordered my usual, chatted w/a friend I'd not seen in a while, got in some good escapist reading. Then wandered around Crystal Springs Rhodie Garden, stopping along the way to admire views and flowers and brbs and nutria and take photos and sit on benches and help shift a pop-up tent (3 people were trying to move a 4-legged structure so I took a leg). But I felt BEAT the entire time out and about and these experiences which usually perk me up just left me more exhausted.

When I got home, I did what was needful, then crawled into bed and slept for hours. Yesterday evening was mellow (Castle reruns). Dear Friend A went out and procured foodstuffs for us all. (She came to stay and help out lots in late February and has spent over 2/3 of her time here since, being an absolute Godsend.) Last night I didn't sleep particularly well or much.

At least today's decent so far. Did some AM watering and had decent backyard garden time. Made and took various medical phone calls. Have put off an assortment of To Do's 'til another time when I've got more energy.

Some good things are coming up. I do better with things to look forward to, so there's that. Hoping to continue napping as needed, to avoid another ER visit, and for positive outcomes eventually to outweigh the initial increase in pain from the procedure a few days ago.

Got back home a few days ago. Feeling SO glad to no longer need to commute so far every day to visit the hospital. It's been a rough/tough return, but today's starting off well, so hopefully the worst is in the past. Keeping fingers and toes crossed that the procedure now set for 06/15/26 happens on time and SUCCEEDS. ('Twas supposed to happen 5 weeks previously but something happened and everything in that surgery room got canceled for the rest of the day as we were on the way to check-in.) If it doesn't work and provide the expected/desired pain-relief, well, that's not even something to contemplate...

Didn't quite make it though. Back home after 6+ hours and much testing, without any clear answers. We know a bunch of bad stuff that it ain't, but not what's causing it. *shrugs* There will be sleep soon... Yeah, well aware of the Vague Posting, but that's whassup.

Last Thursday we had a frustrating on- again off-again time re: a couple of upcoming (Friday afternoon) appointments for a procedure this AM. When Friday came, there was another round of uncertainty followed by phone calls resulting in the instruction to "show up this afternoon even if Monday's procedure doesn't happen." Shortly thereafter the call came in about today's (Monday's) check-in time (hence it was ON).

On the way to OHSU this AM, however, we got a call that something happened so that everything in that surgical room is cancelled today. (I hate to think what happened!) So now we're looking at a FIVE (5) WEEK wait, unless someone cancels, in which case there'll be a mad-dash last-minute reschedule of all other plans to make it so. OY! *rolls eyes & gnashes teeth & searches for patience amidst massive frustration*

At least we made the best of today's last-minute plan shift. Since we hadn't made it to the bridge when the call came in, 'twas easy enough to turn around and head to nearby Petite Provence for brunch (a fine way to break the fast for the procedure). First time out in public - other than medical appts - in months. Had a really good time. Needful. Now: much sleeping...

I DO hope I can make it to a Bay Area wedding in late June that'd seemed a distinct possibility when procedure was to happen today. Honestly, it's not likely, but I don't wanna admit to - or deal with - that quite yet. *deep sigh*

SO glad to have had 24 hours sans rushing off for an emergency visit to a clinic and/or the ER. Today's goal is simple: keep relatively pain-free and stay HOME and emergency-free. The previous three (3) days were rough.

Thursday evening featured extra-long ER wait times, but eventually we got seen and got the issue dealt with...or so we thought. On Friday AM, we headed back out, calling the clinic on the way to the ER. Just as I pulled into the ER drop off area, the call worked out and they said they found a spot at the clinic down the hill if we could make it in 20 minutes, which we did. Had a really good experience, but didn't quite manage to resolve everything. Luckily the ER was fairly empty at 4am early Saturday - was that just yesterday?! Headed home at 7am, and took advantage of a gift certificate from a fambily member to get take-out breakfast and croissant from a fave local restaurant that opens early. Spent the rest of yesterday recovering, dozing, getting out for groceries and more Rx and appreciating all the fresh new green growth and dogwoods blooming, blahblahblah

Today's a good one so far. Had a friend over. Taking it easy. Keeping fingers crossed this lasts...

Noticing Small Good Things

...is an act of hope, and therefore resistance.

Today I saw:

Today I got:

Today I was able to:

Today I read:

Today I gave:

Today I ask the universe for:

I’ve got Handel’s Messiah blasting. The stuffing’s now cooking (in water baths in oven) after lotsa chopping and sautéing. Somehow managed to make enough to fill both a 9x13 pan and an 8x8 pan, despite cutting the recipe way down. 🤷‍♀️ Leftovers for days for the win!

As far as I'm concerned, this and next month’s feasts celebrate family and friendship. Nada to do with religion or pilgrims. It’s cool enough nowadays that cooking for hours helps heat up the house nicely. It smells amazing in here, too. The BF's doing well enough to get back to arts 'n' crafts projects. Feeling quite pleased in my little At Home bubble.

Rain's expected, but I may get out for walkies later anyway. We shall see. Still want to make cranberry sauce and do the rest of the dishes. I try to clean as I go, but sometimes there's too much going on at once to keep up. Taking a hot tea break for a bit right now.

I finally got back on my bike and rode about 2 miles today with a Dear Friend. We cruised down Clinton Avenue to Clinton Coffeehouse (and a bit further), stopped for cold beverages, then pedaled back to mi casa. It felt great to get back to it! My legs felt it. I look forward to adding this to my exercise regimen.

In 2011, I got back into it: cruised the entire Leif Erikson trail in Forest Park (10+ miles), made it over several bridges on the Providence Bike Pedal (before leaving the ride when a co-rider friend fell ill), and took s'more bike rides, too. I last rode it to visit friends (and back again) in October 2013 (<3 miles).

In Junior High, I biked LOTS. Many weekends I'd bicycle from home (near Alta Bates Hospital in Berkeley) to Lake Merritt, all around the lake, and back again (over 13 miles, with some hills). I also biked a fair amount in 9th grade (4-5 miles R/T to school & back again). Then we moved to a very hilly area, where all bike rides required going UP on the way home, so I didn't bike much again for several years.

I had no car my first couple of years at UCLA (1983-1985), so took the bus or biked to school (about 2 miles each way).

Drove 350+ miles in <35 hours to effect an artwork transfer from one place on the Oregon Coast to another. 'Twas very much a last minute adventure, so my decision this past Thursday AM to include a mocha with brunch ended up unwise as I barely slept that night yet got up Friday by 6am and was out the door not long after 7am with a Dear Friend to help schlep art, one piece of the BF's art, several pillows, and a mass of comforters for padding art for transport.

Managed to sneak in a couple of walks/hikes & some beach sitting and reading-time at Baskett Slough National Wildlife Refuge near Salem and Exploding Whale Park in Florence (FLO) before loading 7 more pieces of the BF's art into the car from the teahouse where they've lived the past several years. (Several sold and we drove down with replacements within this time.) Had a fine dinner at Waterfront Depot, my fave spot in FLO and slept in some yesterday (Saturday).

Drove Saturday aka yesterday AM up to Seal Rock to drop off the art at a temporary gallery which'll display 'em until the nearby permanent gallery gets its permits and finishes up construction blahblahblah. Stopped off on the way to walk the length of Heceta Head Beach and then up to the lighthouse. Headed home via lunch in Nye Beach (Newport). Mmmm, clam chowder...

Bonus from this Gone Coastal adventure: we enjoyed some cool temps (mid-upper 50s) and fog instead of PDX's heat and solid sunshine. The next few days have highs forecast in the 90s...ugh.


Realized as we got close to home that I would NOT have the energy to attend that night's production of "Assassins" I'd bought tix for weeks ago. After unsuccessfully trying to pawn off my ticket w/various friends, I ended up contacting the theater and having 'em release my ticket to the Wait List since the show was sold out. They confirmed they'd do so, so I felt fine 'bout it. (I saw it on Broadway 20-ish years ago.)

Spent yesterday evening on the couch working mainly on a mellow mix-tape while my compatriots faded in and out of sleep nearby. Slept poorly so finally just crawled outta bed to deep water the backyard plants when it started getting light. Methinks the day will include a fine nap. (I've spent most of the past three (3) weeksplus tired.)