mlerules

At times the past few days all I've wanted to do is curl up and sleep, but I don't really wanna slide down that Rabbit Hole o' Despair/Sadness. Felt fully exhausted last night though, so crawled into bed a bit before 11pm. Woke up not long after 1am, and really didn't fall back asleep again, although I may've dozed a bit. Finally got up sometime after 5am and started watering outside.

Trying to figure out what's best to do w/myself. I've been spending time w/friends, which is good, and on my own, which doesn't feel so great but probably ain't a bad idea. Realizing I really don't care for living One Day At A Time. My preference = having stuff to look forward to. Anticipation = Good. Recently though I'd had anticipation of Bad Stuff, and now it's come to pass. What all am I going on about now? I really don't know. And I'm not gonna analyze the crap outta it either.

Canceled on one friend today to help another. Don't feel great about it, but it's done.

Okay, listening to music now, which helps (as it so often does). Pulled up the Cancer Mix that jaylake passed along a few years ago. He made it (I believe) after his initial cancer presentation and it helped him through, so I figured it might help me now that Cancer won the battle w/him (although he certainly gave it a run for its money).

Today: things & stuff (including Godzilla, potato salad prep, UL date night w NBA game)
Tmrw: it'll be exactly 50 years after JayLake was born. A few of us (the Tribe) will have a celebratory/memorial BBQ in his honor.
Sat: attending fambily & close friends memorial service (bringing lots o' Kleenex)
Sun: trad'l brunch w/another group o' Dear Friends, dress-up photog bday party for another friend, possibly attending a Pagan Jug Band show (they're playing Ford Food Drink in conjunction w/a book signing)

Not quite up w/the crows today. Got some intermittent sleep. Will try napping some later, but the new dryer's due for delivery 'n' installation here sometime 'tween 9-11am so I wanna be awake 'n' functional for that. jaylake slept some last night, too, but I'm very glad he's crashed out again on the couch right now, as the exhaustion w/this round o' chemo's been extreme and last night's sleep was fairly fitful.

Have discovered that jaylake's chemo-infuser pump* goes click/whir every so slightly every minute, so I find myself listening for it (or, rather, listening for not it). Sorta silly, actually, b'c if'n something does go wonky - crimped line, low battery, &c. - an alarm'll go off. And beeping'll apparently happen as well once the well's nearly run dry (approx 2:05pm tomorrow aka Sunday, about 48 hours after it began filling his bloodstream w/toxic chemicals).

He reports that this version of chemo (FOLFIRI) so far has far less harsh mental side-effects than the FOLFOX did last time. (It hasn't halved his IQ 'n' brain capacity.) The new regimen, however, does have far harsher physical side-effects, the ones most commonly associated w/chemo (serious exhaustion & major nausea). Ah, balance...

Yesterday featured a chunk o' time in the OHSU Cancer Care Center (7th floor of waterfront clinic). Lovely views, very nice facilities, and really good staff by 'n' large. I got to watch lotsa boats out on the Willamette cruise by and around Ross Island - dragon boats, canoes, kayaks, power boats, a barge pushed along by a bright yellow tugboat, the Spirit of Portland (if'n that's it's real name - I'm tip-tapping along here w/out paying a lotta attention to what I'm saying now), &c. The window also looks out onto a functioning boatyard, where I could see a guy welding as part of the building of a new boat (possibly a barge). Apparently jaylake &c. were there to see the last barge built there launch into the river, which was quite the occasion!


*a Cudd Prizm, which puts me in mind of him as a calf suckling while teathered to a medicinal teat

Yeah, this is gonna be a big focus for the next chunk o' time here. More details to come, but not 'til tomorrow's confirmation of schedule comes through, as there's still room for a small or large change in plans 'n' even in the Dx. The latter could even Cx current plans, but hopefully this won't be the case. Suffice it to say (again) that I'm girding my loins, marshaling my resources, putting feelers out for info 'n' support, and preparing to skirmish against bad sh!t on behalf of a new Dear Friend. Okay, more appropriate to say I'll be providing support for m'Dear Friend's own battle w/his nasty nemesis.

I will say that my OKC experience is NOT like yours, I betcha...nosireebob.

Extra-special parallel trend-setting uber-negativeness b'c dear sweet kittenhead Havana's done come down w/a very similar situation herself. Playing God ain't fun, really truly. She's not currently in pain or too weak from not eating/keeping food down, so all's well for now, even though really all will not be well, ultimately. ETD = unknown. I've got anti-pain meds for her if'n they become necessary (and then only to tide her over 'til we visit the vet once that time comes). Quality of life matters muchly.

And 'round 'n' 'round we go, and where we stop, nobody knows. Grab the brass ring, chuck it through the hole, listen to the melodium, catch hold, strap in, hang on. Fark it. Grab your sweetie and hold her/him/zima tight to your chest. Treasure the time you have. Make the most of it. Enjoy & appreciate each day, each moment, each bittersweet morsel.

Live & Love Well.