Tokens Matter

[mlerules]

Finally getting around to reading The Ethical Slut. Gonna jot down various thoughts 'cause it helps keep 'em in mind:

It's okay (wise, even) to ask for reassurance (just not too often and not at the wrong time) when needed. Hmm. My caveat's a bit restrictive, potentially. Must remember - and act on the fact that - my needs matter.

I'm finding that someone's providing something I need (methinks it's reassurance...even though I'm really not sure 'bout what - mebbe just that I'm in mind, that I matter, that I'm special, even if not the only one, that I'm being considered/remembered) without my really even being aware that it's something I've needed. How is it that someone I sleep with (literally but not figuratively) can be so on the ball in some ways, yet so not in others? Unsolicited shows of concern and caring mean a lot to me, apparently. Little things. Tokens. They matter.

Affection matters. Reaching out matters. Being held matters. Huggles & snuggles matter.

Comments

[stacymckenna.livejournal.com]

How is it that someone I sleep with (literally but not figuratively) can be so on the ball in some ways, yet so not in others?

Because everyone's "ball" looks different, and what's on top of things with one partner/person is not necessarily so with others. Retraining is required with each ball/apparatus.

(is the metaphor dead yet?)

[fiddledragon]

*chuckle* never

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

As is relearning...

[fiddledragon]

I've never actually read that book, and keep meaning to - for all these years that I've been involved in poly relationships, I've just never gotten around to it.

But yeah - I do think that the little things do count and matter.

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I figured I should hear what some (more) folks have to say theory-wise 'bout stuff I've been putting into practice for a while now.

Sometimes the language and concepts they use really help keep me on the ball. ;-)

[sheistheweather]

There are some things I don't like about that particular polyamoury book (although I have to go back and read it so I can accurately articulate what exactly it is about it that bothers me), but it also has some really good things to say.

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'm browsing and grazing and taking away the good stuff and chucking the dross.

[sheistheweather]

Exactly.

[sterling-raptor.livejournal.com]

My take on the book is that it really isn't for poly people but for swingers. You can apply the concepts but I prefer other books to learn about the psychology of Poly.

Polyamory: Love without limits.
Pagan Polyamory: Becoming a Tribe of Hearts.

[stacymckenna.livejournal.com]

The five Love Languages is also useful, especially when figuring out why things work with one partner and not another.

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

Yup. That one's also on the shelf. Cannot remember whether I read it all the way through...but am pretty sure it's worth pulling out again now, what my recent revelations and all.