Looking Back

[mlerules]

I've got a big bday coming up. A friend from way-back got in touch w/recently - it's a big part of why I still like FB; folks can/do keep in touch - and it was really nice to reconnect, even if just a bit. So, I reached out earlier this evening to another friend from long-ago. He'll likely get back to me eventually. We've seen each other on and off over the decades and have emailed some the past few years.

Then I Googled another person who'd mattered lots to me for a time, only to find a couple of obits from nearly 20 years ago (2003). They didn't even mention what'd been one of his big passions, at least when I first knew him (music). I still have his phone # memorized. I shared some great moments w/him, when I was at an impressionable age. Parts of one afternoon in particular were filmed on Super-8, and I always assumed one day I'd get to see it. Well, that ain't gonna happen. But I will see the 3rd person from that memorable day late next week, and I'll share the memory w/her.

I'm left bereft. Tears're falling. I know people disappear from our lives. Folks fade. Memories remain...for a time anyway. But to find that this person'd died and I had no idea...it hurts more than expected. It doesn't help that I found out earlier this year that another person from that group and time of my life had passed away several years back.

Well, I ain't gonna dwell too much or too long. I am taking some time to grieve.

Listening to music tonight. Feeling lots of feels. Time for bed shortly...

Comments

[teaotter]

*hugs*

[mlerules]

Thank you.

[garyomaha]

Hugs. I've been there. I'm sorry for your belated loss.

May I tell a story?

How does the song go? "Regrets...I've had a few..." I can easily name my biggest regret, and I don't feel it's entirely my fault. A very good friend for many years chose to drop me as a friend, quite publicly and loudly (that's the way he is). I had become close friends with his wife, perhaps even closer than with him (entirely platonic) and when they decided to divorce I could see her side of it better than his. That irked him. I apologized in a way but firmly said they were *both* my friends and I would not quit either of them. So, he quit me. I miss him almost daily, now nearly 20 years later. She moved on, remarried (we attended their wedding, which irked him even more), and I'm in touch with their kids (more irking). I've reached out to him numerous times over the years and he clearly has a closed mind about this. She and I have stayed in touch, sometimes his names comes up, and always I tell her how much I miss him -- that's my way of messaging the universe about this.

Why have I spent all your blog space on my story? Because we each lose friends through death or moving or 1,001 other reasons...but this loss for me seemed avoidable, fixable, changeable. I feel as if I've done all I could about it, yet I still have an empty place in my heart and still imagine our getting together again someday. But every time I lose a friend through death, that's permanent. I can't go back and fix it, ever.

There's so much sadness and grief around it's a shame we couldn't have avoided it, because one cannot avoid true death. Again, my sympathies to you.

[mlerules]

Thank you for your sympathy.

I feel for you and your loss of that formerly dear friend. It's a real shame when folks require people take sides in a divorce, and in this case, really too bad getting "broken up with" by a friend (especially in public). I've maintained good rships with most friends I've had, even if'n we've drifted apart. I'm also on good terms with nearly all my ex's, although one, who now lives within an hour, dropped me unexpectedly a year or two before. I don't know why...and actually don't care much these days. His loss.