Rocks & Hard Places

[mlerules]

Thoughts. Not all pleasant.

Once upon a time I had what I called a 90-10 r-ship, where I listened while t'other person talked 90% of the time, barely getting a word in edgewise mebbe 10% of the time. Well, I do listen well, and some folks really need that. (I think we all need it, but some don't get nearly enough of it.) Mutuality wasn't really there.

Mutuality's something I treasure. I like two-way streets (or multiple intersections - but that takes the analogy too many other places for now): give & take.

Sometimes I feel as if my primary role/function is that of Social Lubricator. Even when in Instigator mode, what's often going on is that I'm making things happen, stirring things up, setting something in motion. Yet sometimes I'm not swept up in it, but instead stay stuck on an island where others've visited then run off to follow the circus I've started down a path, leaving me to wait for the next cruise ship to stop for a visit.

I feel lonely. (Yeah yeah - I know this is only right now, but now's where I'm at - it's why it's called NOW ;-) It's as if Fargo's shedding of his mortal coil has left a gap...and produced a big shift in my life...sorta like an earthquake leaving behind a pit. (I've fallen and'm wallowing some now in this pit o' self-despair or something else sticky.) Dunno whether to fill it up, or let it be. Or put flowers on't. Showing honor and respect for a dear beloved kittenhead. And a renewed appreciation for the fact that Nothing Lasts Forever.

The fact that others I know and care about have lost people in their lives recently - brothers, grandmothers, sons, friends, lovers - makes this all that much more poignant. I'm torn 'tween feeling like I'm wasting time and...something else.

I need a hug. But not a virtual one. A real-life one. And I've arranged my life recently so that I don't get 'em nearly as often as I used to. Why? Is it right? Is it what I want? Is it what I need?

Crucial Conversations talks about the importance of keeping in mind what it is you really want when you engage in discussion/conversation. (Also important when you act/do stuff 'n' things.) Drifting w/out really taking note or paying attention's quite possible. And when thing're good - or even just okay - this can work fine. And mebbe that's good enough.

Mebbe ambition's not required. Mebbe satisfaction and contentment's sufficient. What about being ambitious about being/finding/maintaining satisfaction and contentment? Feeling stupid now.

Gonna get going soon. Got Pixie walkies at Noon and a list of ToDo's to finish up prep for this Thanksgiving Toad Rip to the Bay Area...and then to Do It!

Comments

[fjorlief.livejournal.com]

Walkies is always good for blowing away mental cobwebs (I need to go walkabout myself in just a bit), but realtime hugs are vital too. I don't get anywhere near my suitable hug quotient for personal well being, and while learning to live with my own current reality has helped, I still miss that simple contact. Want to meet in the middle and hug sometime?

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

That'd be nice. :-) And yes, walkies will help, as will listening to music.

[ebony-sphynx.livejournal.com]

As you said on my post: "I know".

I miss living near you. That is my hope for the future. Near enough that we can see each other when there aren't big things afoot and we can just exist together doing/not-doing.

I know I'm not the world's best example of friendship, but I think if we try to improve ourselves (I'm mostly speaking of myself here, but there are others I know who could do with some improvement too), a little bit here and a little bit there, that things will work themselves out.

If I could, I'd hug and snuggle you and maybe rub your shoulders and neck and back too. That helps sometimes too. But walkies are not a bad plan either...walkies in your area are lovely.

I love you.

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much, my dear. I really appreciate it, and you, and our friendship, as much time as I do get to see you and hang out w/you, and the thought of what one day will be.

[siouxiequeue.livejournal.com]

yeah. I know that feeling... well, *those feelings*. Sometimes I've found that if there's not someone there to hug me when I feel that way, it helps to do it for myself; make me a dinner for 1 on pretty dishes, complete with a candle... or something similar, to sort of remind myself to be my *own* good listener. Also... I'd *LOVE* to spend time with you when you're up here, somehow find ways to go see you there, too... just for the record (I think you already know this...)
*love* - and virtual hugs anyway...

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much - appreciated greatly. :-)

I ended up having a long lovely phone conversation w/lightfoote while in a hot bubbly bath and felt much better afterward.

Oh, I've been wanting to try and lunch w/you on my way outta town one of these times and/or lure you folks down here for a few days. We'll make it so before too long!

[wildwoosi.livejournal.com]

As Sue said, virtual hugs anyways... And have a great trip with lots of real hugs over Thanksgiving.

[nakeygirl.livejournal.com]

I miss you, and many hugs.
I'm sorry about the loss of your dear Fargo kitty.

[sheistheweather]

*wordless e-hugs, to be redeemed when I next see you*

[automatic-kafka.livejournal.com]

don't need virtual hugs but what about a fist bump?