An Accordion of Emotions
Aug. 18th, 2010 09:55 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mlerulesYeah, imagine if'n you will, nothing but buttons getting pushed. Not so pleasant. This is NOT, mind you, whassup right now. I'm feeling good and positive and better and quite well. I'm now musing 'bout past experiences in hopes of avoiding a return to such a state of mind/being, b'c 'twas not hugely healthy. It helps me to distance myself from whassup and consider things when NOT in the middle of feeling 'em. Processing proceeds. (Reading this article yesterday reminded me to think back 'bout stuff when not in the middle of the emotions.)
Sometimes mini-epiphanies come about w/a sparkle, or a rainbow (thinking 'bout when I asked for a sign and got seriously sweet rainbowage in response), and're nice. Sometimes though, it's like hawking up a furball, as I confront unsavory truths 'bout myself and find myself pushing my fingers through the bones/mess, wondering how that got in there in the first place and how I let it stay and fester rather than chuck it out earlier. *sigh*
Sometimes it takes a realization that I'm acting as if my buttons have been pushed to stop and try to figure out which those buttons are and how to deactivate 'em. They're my buttons. My reactions. I do not like it when I knee-jerk emotionally, when I lash out, when I speak out w/out thinking...'specially when it makes others feel bad/belittled/disrespected.
So, I wanna be more aware of what my buttons are and not react blindly but think before I speak/react: whassup? Why do I wanna...do what I end up doing? Hmm, it'd help if'n I knew what I were doing.
And here's where I find myself ambivalent (of 12 minds ;-) Or perhaps where I start identifying buttons. Wow. The nearly blinding sense of rage that just came into mind (just the memory, mind you, NOT the feelings themselves...thank goodness!), the major freakin' annoyance factory - ayup, here's a button alright, a full accordion factory in fact!
And now I'm fully speared on a Chickens & Eggs dilemma. I rebel against feeling a need to walk on eggshells so I don't say something "wrong" (either bad/mean words or tone of voice). I hereby name this particular button cluster: Delicate Little Flower.
But mebbe the seeds for a solution stem from within this name as well. I think that it'd help if'n I were more direct. If'n I have doubts, concerns, issues - I should state 'em directly rather than...than what? Than imply that whatever's been said is stupid/unthought-through/whatEVER.
Oh, this ain't easy. But it's good/wise/necessary...or something. Hopefully it's useful.
******
Nurturing's necessary. Self-nurturing, too. That's whassup now. Healing. Not hurt so much as a tad raw, a bit run ragged. Applying soothing ointments...and noises. There there, now now, it'll be alright. Yes, and I'm playing music to soothe the savage beasts within as well. Okay - that last bit just sounded good (word-play-wise). I don't particularly feel as if there're savage beasts lurking within, waiting to get out and pounce and rend flesh and roll around in poop and blood and guts and and and Heh. Nope.
Being At Peace Now. It Is Good.
Sometimes mini-epiphanies come about w/a sparkle, or a rainbow (thinking 'bout when I asked for a sign and got seriously sweet rainbowage in response), and're nice. Sometimes though, it's like hawking up a furball, as I confront unsavory truths 'bout myself and find myself pushing my fingers through the bones/mess, wondering how that got in there in the first place and how I let it stay and fester rather than chuck it out earlier. *sigh*
Sometimes it takes a realization that I'm acting as if my buttons have been pushed to stop and try to figure out which those buttons are and how to deactivate 'em. They're my buttons. My reactions. I do not like it when I knee-jerk emotionally, when I lash out, when I speak out w/out thinking...'specially when it makes others feel bad/belittled/disrespected.
So, I wanna be more aware of what my buttons are and not react blindly but think before I speak/react: whassup? Why do I wanna...do what I end up doing? Hmm, it'd help if'n I knew what I were doing.
And here's where I find myself ambivalent (of 12 minds ;-) Or perhaps where I start identifying buttons. Wow. The nearly blinding sense of rage that just came into mind (just the memory, mind you, NOT the feelings themselves...thank goodness!), the major freakin' annoyance factory - ayup, here's a button alright, a full accordion factory in fact!
And now I'm fully speared on a Chickens & Eggs dilemma. I rebel against feeling a need to walk on eggshells so I don't say something "wrong" (either bad/mean words or tone of voice). I hereby name this particular button cluster: Delicate Little Flower.
But mebbe the seeds for a solution stem from within this name as well. I think that it'd help if'n I were more direct. If'n I have doubts, concerns, issues - I should state 'em directly rather than...than what? Than imply that whatever's been said is stupid/unthought-through/whatEVER.
Oh, this ain't easy. But it's good/wise/necessary...or something. Hopefully it's useful.
******
Nurturing's necessary. Self-nurturing, too. That's whassup now. Healing. Not hurt so much as a tad raw, a bit run ragged. Applying soothing ointments...and noises. There there, now now, it'll be alright. Yes, and I'm playing music to soothe the savage beasts within as well. Okay - that last bit just sounded good (word-play-wise). I don't particularly feel as if there're savage beasts lurking within, waiting to get out and pounce and rend flesh and roll around in poop and blood and guts and and and Heh. Nope.
Being At Peace Now. It Is Good.
