An Accordion of Emotions

[mlerules]

Yeah, imagine if'n you will, nothing but buttons getting pushed. Not so pleasant. This is NOT, mind you, whassup right now. I'm feeling good and positive and better and quite well. I'm now musing 'bout past experiences in hopes of avoiding a return to such a state of mind/being, b'c 'twas not hugely healthy. It helps me to distance myself from whassup and consider things when NOT in the middle of feeling 'em. Processing proceeds. (Reading this article yesterday reminded me to think back 'bout stuff when not in the middle of the emotions.)

Sometimes mini-epiphanies come about w/a sparkle, or a rainbow (thinking 'bout when I asked for a sign and got seriously sweet rainbowage in response), and're nice. Sometimes though, it's like hawking up a furball, as I confront unsavory truths 'bout myself and find myself pushing my fingers through the bones/mess, wondering how that got in there in the first place and how I let it stay and fester rather than chuck it out earlier. *sigh*

Sometimes it takes a realization that I'm acting as if my buttons have been pushed to stop and try to figure out which those buttons are and how to deactivate 'em. They're my buttons. My reactions. I do not like it when I knee-jerk emotionally, when I lash out, when I speak out w/out thinking...'specially when it makes others feel bad/belittled/disrespected.

So, I wanna be more aware of what my buttons are and not react blindly but think before I speak/react: whassup? Why do I wanna...do what I end up doing? Hmm, it'd help if'n I knew what I were doing.

And here's where I find myself ambivalent (of 12 minds ;-) Or perhaps where I start identifying buttons. Wow. The nearly blinding sense of rage that just came into mind (just the memory, mind you, NOT the feelings themselves...thank goodness!), the major freakin' annoyance factory - ayup, here's a button alright, a full accordion factory in fact!

And now I'm fully speared on a Chickens & Eggs dilemma. I rebel against feeling a need to walk on eggshells so I don't say something "wrong" (either bad/mean words or tone of voice). I hereby name this particular button cluster: Delicate Little Flower.

But mebbe the seeds for a solution stem from within this name as well. I think that it'd help if'n I were more direct. If'n I have doubts, concerns, issues - I should state 'em directly rather than...than what? Than imply that whatever's been said is stupid/unthought-through/whatEVER.

Oh, this ain't easy. But it's good/wise/necessary...or something. Hopefully it's useful.

******

Nurturing's necessary. Self-nurturing, too. That's whassup now. Healing. Not hurt so much as a tad raw, a bit run ragged. Applying soothing ointments...and noises. There there, now now, it'll be alright. Yes, and I'm playing music to soothe the savage beasts within as well. Okay - that last bit just sounded good (word-play-wise). I don't particularly feel as if there're savage beasts lurking within, waiting to get out and pounce and rend flesh and roll around in poop and blood and guts and and and Heh. Nope.


Being At Peace Now. It Is Good.

Comments

[darthsunshine.livejournal.com]

That's a pretty interesting article. And I'm glad you're feeling good and positive and better and quite well now. :)

Finding and deactivating buttons is, I'm convinced, a lifelong process. There's always another one that, once I see it, I think to myself, "How have I missed *this*?" Maybe it was hidden behind another button and not visible 'til now, or maybe I was just so pre-occupied with other buttons that I didn't notice it. Or or or. Eventually I remember to say to myself, "Well, I see it *now*. What can I do with/about it?"

Good luck to you! It sounds like you're on a helpful-to-you track. :)

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

"Well, I see it *now*. What can I do with/about it?"

Yeah - THIS.

[glitch25.livejournal.com]

Best of luck on your path. :-) It's definitely a battle.

[ignusfaatus.livejournal.com]

In my experience it helps to call it, even vaguely, you take risks that someone out there might think you are being annoyed by a horse fly when really a goat climbed into your convertible, chewed your leather seats and pissed on your stick shift

But

it keeps you from installing the accordion buttons in your own house.

maybe this made no sense.

The delicate little flower goes to seed

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

It almost makes sense. I'd like it to make sense. So...whatcha mean by "call it?" Label it? Call someone out on what they're doing/saying? B'c yeah, I don't wanna add any more buttons to the mix, as I'm busy trying to deactivate those I already have. ;-P

in which blot knows nothing of your situation and applies it to herself...

[ignusfaatus.livejournal.com]

well this might be meaningless in your situation but I have had too much coffee so your going to see me ramble and tuble and crash into posts in writing. Cause why not, it's LJ
Maybe looking for the answers with-in yourself is like the joke about the drunk guy crawling around under the street light looking for the wallet.
Drunk guy tells police he thinks he lost his wallet over there accross the street.
police says. "so why aren't you looking for it OVER there?"
drunk guy responds, "it's easier to see under this street light on this side."
Labelling:: labelling it as an internal affair versus an external event.

Delicate little Flower is looking for the reason bad things happened, perhaps by thinking if she were different...it would not have been so ugly. It is a much more comfortable thought than aknowledging that the goat needed to pee and did not care where he did it.
Maybe self analysis to some extent can be like tryng to control chaos.
Looking for your own buttons is like looking for control of it....

Re: in which blot knows nothing of your situation and applies it to herself...

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

Thanks for rambling 'n' tumbling 'n' playing along...I appreciate it. And oh, yeah, SO TRUE, this: Looking for your own buttons is like looking for control of it.... And even if'n it's just an illusion, it makes me feel better, and that's (usually) good 'nuff.

[ignusfaatus.livejournal.com]

lol. After reading this article, I do not feel silly that in some of my private paper journals I have written about myself in third person.

I do that because Sometimes, when I am really detached, I can read it again and i will realize things I could not see before