Cryptic Slices of MLE's Brain Processes

[mlerules]

Thinking and/or feeling and/or seeming like I'm doing something(s) 'bout which I'm neither proud nor certain I'm actually DOING. Self-awareness is funky hard to achieve. Methinks I'm onto something, but I'm not quite sure what...and/or more importantly perhaps, I'm not sure how to deal with it. Working on shining lights to increase aswareness of issue/possibility mingled w/figuring out WHY and how better to deal with whatever I'm trying to accomplish by doing that. This, of course, assumes that I (and more broadly we each/all) MEAN/INTEND/WANT/NEED something by acting in certain ways...which assumption may or not even be valid. Perhaps it's just olde habits dying hard, old paths reasserting themselves when I'm not paying close enough attention.

My method (mad though it may be) seems to be to Search for motivation, for reasons, for whys for my actions/behaviors, in order to figure out whether there's another way of getting what I want/need, another way of satisfying the need/drive behind the WHY in a more healthy, positive, kindler, gentler manner. This requires more...WHAT am I doing that's bugging me. Well, I ain't gonna enumerate that here, at least not yet...mebbe. It seems to boil down to being selfish, controlling, in charge...traits / qualities which ain't necessarily negative. The negative aspects come about when they/it (my actions/behavior) interferes w/others' independence, control, selfness, taking charge. Yeah, I'm starting to come 'round perhaps to what I'm doing that's bugging me a bit. And when I'm a bit more able to articulate it I'll go directly to that person/those people and raise the issue one-on-one rather than here. But for now, this helps me see/feel/learn whassup...

I'm almost afeared to ask, but do you think I come off as controlling and/or selfish in a negative way? When? How? Why? How could I avoid this? Constructive criticism pref'd but I'll take whatever you're willing to dish out. Thanks in advance. *gulp* Not gonna screen comments after all. Feel free to e-mail if'n you prefer (LJ handle at yahoo).

Comments

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

Well, yeah, actually I've been pondering upon this some myself. I like to take time w/folks one-on-one and catch up and also just be still w/them. These days I'm focusing more on a couple of really super-special folks who get priority and on whom I lavish many intense and lengthy visits and with whom I choose to spend more quality time, so the rest get me here and there as it works out. Various people would like more of me, but I've got only some much time/energy - which I try to make clear to folks when they ask. Thank goodness for LJ, e-mail, IM, and the phone!

Thx for the input - appreciated. How're things going w/you anyway? It's been a while and while your posts're fun and amusing and I enjoy them, they rarely really dive in-depth 'bout the whassup w/you-ness.