Cryptic Slices of MLE's Brain Processes

[mlerules]

Thinking and/or feeling and/or seeming like I'm doing something(s) 'bout which I'm neither proud nor certain I'm actually DOING. Self-awareness is funky hard to achieve. Methinks I'm onto something, but I'm not quite sure what...and/or more importantly perhaps, I'm not sure how to deal with it. Working on shining lights to increase aswareness of issue/possibility mingled w/figuring out WHY and how better to deal with whatever I'm trying to accomplish by doing that. This, of course, assumes that I (and more broadly we each/all) MEAN/INTEND/WANT/NEED something by acting in certain ways...which assumption may or not even be valid. Perhaps it's just olde habits dying hard, old paths reasserting themselves when I'm not paying close enough attention.

My method (mad though it may be) seems to be to Search for motivation, for reasons, for whys for my actions/behaviors, in order to figure out whether there's another way of getting what I want/need, another way of satisfying the need/drive behind the WHY in a more healthy, positive, kindler, gentler manner. This requires more...WHAT am I doing that's bugging me. Well, I ain't gonna enumerate that here, at least not yet...mebbe. It seems to boil down to being selfish, controlling, in charge...traits / qualities which ain't necessarily negative. The negative aspects come about when they/it (my actions/behavior) interferes w/others' independence, control, selfness, taking charge. Yeah, I'm starting to come 'round perhaps to what I'm doing that's bugging me a bit. And when I'm a bit more able to articulate it I'll go directly to that person/those people and raise the issue one-on-one rather than here. But for now, this helps me see/feel/learn whassup...

I'm almost afeared to ask, but do you think I come off as controlling and/or selfish in a negative way? When? How? Why? How could I avoid this? Constructive criticism pref'd but I'll take whatever you're willing to dish out. Thanks in advance. *gulp* Not gonna screen comments after all. Feel free to e-mail if'n you prefer (LJ handle at yahoo).

Comments

[nomilomi.livejournal.com]

Honestly, you're organized, which I think is what may come off as "controlling" to people who are inherently flaky and have an adverse reaction to being any kind of expectations that interfere with their undependable attitude. With your life as busy as it is, you need a certain amount of scheduling and "be here at that time" to keep things going.

You're just maximizing your life. And you do have an assertive personality, which I don't see as a bad thing.

But this is just my perception from my time with you. I am by no means an expert.

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

Thx, sweetie, I appreciate the input/feedback.

Looking forward to seeing you again at Northern on Sat, 9/13/08, assuming that all works out - if not before then!

[ebony-sphynx.livejournal.com]

I do not think that your assertiveness has become negative. I think everyone is in danger of occasionally being controlling or selfish at times...it's part of our charm as human beings. the only time you've ever made me uncomfortable in this way, we talked about it and got things cleared up in a fairly simple and straight forward way. I would say that your best bet would be not to fret about it but to remain open to someone coming up and letting you know (politely) that perhaps you're being overbearing and then take measures to change that behaviour in that instance, without taking it too much to heart. And if they're not polite, later, I think you're well within your rights to inform them of that. Mutual mature behaviour is the key in this.

I love you and you're one of my closest friends, my family. Thank you for being exactly the human you are.

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

Thanks. :-)

[ericgriffith.livejournal.com]

Dear M.
You realize that I'm kind of outside your box right now, but I'll tell you what I think. You amaze me. I don't know how you are able to fit so many people and places into you life ( I get a headache thinking about it). Maybe your situation is more like the mayor's in "Horton Hears a Who".

In that story the mayor has like...50 kids. At breakfast they all sit around a long table with chairs attached to a conveyor belt. The belt brings each child next to him and they get exactly 30 seconds to say something before their chair rotates away. It's the only way he can cope with such a large family,but it must break his heart that he cant spend more time with them. I bet those kids feel kind of neglected some times too.

Is there any way you could slow down the conveyor belt around your table?

With love
E

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

Well, yeah, actually I've been pondering upon this some myself. I like to take time w/folks one-on-one and catch up and also just be still w/them. These days I'm focusing more on a couple of really super-special folks who get priority and on whom I lavish many intense and lengthy visits and with whom I choose to spend more quality time, so the rest get me here and there as it works out. Various people would like more of me, but I've got only some much time/energy - which I try to make clear to folks when they ask. Thank goodness for LJ, e-mail, IM, and the phone!

Thx for the input - appreciated. How're things going w/you anyway? It's been a while and while your posts're fun and amusing and I enjoy them, they rarely really dive in-depth 'bout the whassup w/you-ness.

[satyrblade.livejournal.com]

That has not been my experience or perception of you, no.

*HUGS*

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

Ah, thank you for the feedback.

[lunasmiles.livejournal.com]

Hi MLE! Just dropping in to check out your lj, and whaddya know - a topic VERY close to my own issue right now! Especially those old habits and programming, which are putting up a mighty resistance to changes, of late...

Can't say that I have any answers either, so when something actually materializes for you in that light you're shining, I'd love to hear what you find!

Nice running into you last night by the way - hope you had fun!

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

I had a FAB time last night. Thanks for letting us sit w/you folks!

Ah, stick 'round long enough on my LJ and you'll see various things like, sometimes more coherent than others, but oft-times just as cryptic as this. I process in large part by writing stuff out. Even if'n it doesn't make sense, it often helps. :-)