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mlerulesA: All and more.
The connections my mind automatically make when I hear “Hello Kitty” and think “Dear Kitty” disturb me.
***
My concern for time dominion must stop. Now. Time Enough for Love. A reason to live: for another. Potentially wise and unwise, depending on…several variables. Uncertain whether/how to continue. Maybe later. Things take time. Odd sense of unease. Can I force myself to be satisfied (at least for now) with uncertainty? Probably. Worry sometimes that I won’t come back later and reexamine the issues b’c I’ll forget what they even were. Although then perhaps they’re not that important after all. Center of attention. Gravitational pulls. Charm and the snake. Temptation. Now why must we resist? When is resistance not futile? Wise even? I’m still trying to figure this out.
Masks: Presentations of Self.
What I want/need: sources of inspiration, sources of power…wellsprings. Mixed in w/input, I need time to think/process. It’s what driving’s for…mebbe if’n I do more books on tape I can increase the input. But wait – the music’s input too. Plus it creates the soundtrack for the times. How long are these intervals? I’d gotten used to the academic calendar (somewhat modified) again. Now what? I honestly don’t know.
Baths provide excellent opportunities for input and processing. Ditto reading on the couch w/hot tea. Need to resinsert sunsets and hiking back into my life. Will give it a bit of time then continue back down that path again.
I find myself being more aware of the seasons. I’m figuring out perhaps whether I’m ready to move on…again.
These sources of inspiration: ideally they’re mutually attractive (or at least convenient). Is poly “merely” this, taken to more intense levels than usually expected/thought possible? Varying levels of closeness w/out duels or worries (excessive/non-resolved for too long) ‘tween those involved. Not an easy state to achieve. Takes a lot of work to maintain course amid the shoals of worries about domestic issues.
Guilt as narcissism. I’m so important that my actions caused so much distress & alarm that major changes were made. Or so much goodness and inspiration…it’s not so bad to want this, even if it weren’t to happen necessarily. It’s a source of inspiration itself, the possibility of being an inspiration. Convoluted as hell. When I think of Hell I don’t think of chaos, but of order. Rigidity. Guess I really should get around to reading Dante’s The Divine Comedy (or at least the Inferno morsel) one of these days.
Painfully shy as a vision of oneself. I can’t say that’s true about me. I say I used to be shy. I think I felt self-conscious and uncertain of myself. I’m not super sure of myself now. Hmm. This isn’t quite right. In part I care much less – this is true in some ways but not others. Not describing it accurately at all. Off to process. Back later… Okay, onward:
To delight in futility can be a worthy goal. As in Richard P. Feynman’s 1963 lectures now published as “The Meaning of It All: Thoughts of a Citizen-Scientist:” “It is a great adventure to contemplate the universe, beyond man, to contemplate what it would be like without man, as it was in a great part of its long history and as it is in a great majority of places. When this objective view is finally obtained, and the mystery and majesty of matter are fully appreciated, to then turn the objective eye back on man viewed as matter, to view life as a part of this universal mystery of greatest depth, is to sense an experience which is very rare, and very exciting. It usually ends in laughter and a delight in the futility of trying to understand what this atom in the universe is, this thing – atoms with curiosity – that looks at itself and wonders why it wonders.” (p. 39)
Ideas as inspiration. Books as input. Music as input. Bouncing ideas off others as both input & processing. Everything as both, if you take the time. And put in the effort.
***
My new nickname: Emollient. Far pref'd to Embolism. Truth's a combo of both...and much more.
The connections my mind automatically make when I hear “Hello Kitty” and think “Dear Kitty” disturb me.
***
My concern for time dominion must stop. Now. Time Enough for Love. A reason to live: for another. Potentially wise and unwise, depending on…several variables. Uncertain whether/how to continue. Maybe later. Things take time. Odd sense of unease. Can I force myself to be satisfied (at least for now) with uncertainty? Probably. Worry sometimes that I won’t come back later and reexamine the issues b’c I’ll forget what they even were. Although then perhaps they’re not that important after all. Center of attention. Gravitational pulls. Charm and the snake. Temptation. Now why must we resist? When is resistance not futile? Wise even? I’m still trying to figure this out.
Masks: Presentations of Self.
What I want/need: sources of inspiration, sources of power…wellsprings. Mixed in w/input, I need time to think/process. It’s what driving’s for…mebbe if’n I do more books on tape I can increase the input. But wait – the music’s input too. Plus it creates the soundtrack for the times. How long are these intervals? I’d gotten used to the academic calendar (somewhat modified) again. Now what? I honestly don’t know.
Baths provide excellent opportunities for input and processing. Ditto reading on the couch w/hot tea. Need to resinsert sunsets and hiking back into my life. Will give it a bit of time then continue back down that path again.
I find myself being more aware of the seasons. I’m figuring out perhaps whether I’m ready to move on…again.
These sources of inspiration: ideally they’re mutually attractive (or at least convenient). Is poly “merely” this, taken to more intense levels than usually expected/thought possible? Varying levels of closeness w/out duels or worries (excessive/non-resolved for too long) ‘tween those involved. Not an easy state to achieve. Takes a lot of work to maintain course amid the shoals of worries about domestic issues.
Guilt as narcissism. I’m so important that my actions caused so much distress & alarm that major changes were made. Or so much goodness and inspiration…it’s not so bad to want this, even if it weren’t to happen necessarily. It’s a source of inspiration itself, the possibility of being an inspiration. Convoluted as hell. When I think of Hell I don’t think of chaos, but of order. Rigidity. Guess I really should get around to reading Dante’s The Divine Comedy (or at least the Inferno morsel) one of these days.
Painfully shy as a vision of oneself. I can’t say that’s true about me. I say I used to be shy. I think I felt self-conscious and uncertain of myself. I’m not super sure of myself now. Hmm. This isn’t quite right. In part I care much less – this is true in some ways but not others. Not describing it accurately at all. Off to process. Back later… Okay, onward:
To delight in futility can be a worthy goal. As in Richard P. Feynman’s 1963 lectures now published as “The Meaning of It All: Thoughts of a Citizen-Scientist:” “It is a great adventure to contemplate the universe, beyond man, to contemplate what it would be like without man, as it was in a great part of its long history and as it is in a great majority of places. When this objective view is finally obtained, and the mystery and majesty of matter are fully appreciated, to then turn the objective eye back on man viewed as matter, to view life as a part of this universal mystery of greatest depth, is to sense an experience which is very rare, and very exciting. It usually ends in laughter and a delight in the futility of trying to understand what this atom in the universe is, this thing – atoms with curiosity – that looks at itself and wonders why it wonders.” (p. 39)
Ideas as inspiration. Books as input. Music as input. Bouncing ideas off others as both input & processing. Everything as both, if you take the time. And put in the effort.
***
My new nickname: Emollient. Far pref'd to Embolism. Truth's a combo of both...and much more.
