Realization

[mlerules]

I must shelve the crush (the one I most emphatically don't have). On the verge of full-bore crushing...and this'd be unwise. 'Twas not long after looking into the eyes (windows to the soul) and seeing a smile and feeling my heart lurch and wishing that the smile was for me that I realized I cannot do this to myself. I cannot follow this pathway. Mebbe sometime. Mebbe something. Must shift thought patterns and focal points. I can do this. I must do this.

Damnation. I'm gonna have to struggle and fight w/this. It's like donuts, though, I MUST NOT GIVE IN. (And if'n I had the smallest smidgeon of hope/thought that there was the slightest mutuality of feeling...) No. That way madness lies. Or is lays? I'm never sure 'bout the grammar of lie v. lay. That way lies madness? That way lays madness?

Even while part of me deals w/this, another part is proceeding quite merrily along its delightful way w/opportunities arising and spreading and broadening and deepening. Realistic, in-motion, delightful (where's a thesaurus when I need one?!), alluring, sensual, connectivity, amazing, sweet, strong, powerful, slow-going, oh-so-nice.

I used to worry that I could manage and maintain and experience feelings for different people at the same time. Don't feel like such a freak for it now. Thank goodness!

Comments

[quetz.livejournal.com]

that way lay madness, or that way madness lies.

either way I know from whence you speak and it is not a comfortable feeling, being so out of control.

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

Of course, part of the trouble/issue is that I actively ENJOY a certain amount of not knowing what's gonna happen or how things're going to unfold. But without knowing whether interest along any such lines is mutual, it's unwise to pursue fantasies.

Luckily I've still got control now. So when I feel myself starting to slip, starting to want, starting to wonder, I'll pull myself back from the brink. I may still gaze down at the abyss, but I'm not gonna plunge head/heart-first into it and hope for the best. I suppose I could always ASK to see whether it's mutual...but I suspect it's really too soon to tell.

Thx for the comment.

[sheistheweather]

Crushes are interesting sparkly and pokey things.

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

Ideally (IMHO) w/more sparkles and fewer pokes.

[sheistheweather]

Yes.

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I grok the whole "seeing what happens" concept. It's indeed the approach I'm trying to take. Not so into the "sitting back" part though. Given that choices exist re: where and how to spend my time, I'm finding myself choosing those options that'll increase the frequency and/or chances of running into the folks I'd like to get to know better in order to see more clearly what could happen. More data = helpful.

May I add you?

Please do. I'll do the same, unless you object.