HeartBreak Music

[mlerules]

I've amassed a decent collection of Heart-Break compilations, included several that I've inspired (NOT purposefully, mind you) and some that I've created. Now and again I use 'em as emotional barometers, sticking 'em on and seeing whether I laugh, cry, shake my head in wonderment, or just enjoy the music.

It's dawned on me recently that I'm currently not in crush w/anybody. Crush-free's an interesting place to be. I do like the rush of the crush. And these days I'm far better at recovering from the crush of the heart when things don't work out. Does this mean I'm not crushing as far/hard/fast/deeply? Is this a good thing or a bad thing? Or is it simply (Ha!) that I've become more resilient?

Been wondering what's up w/my crushes anyway. What do/can/should I expect to come outta 'em? Answer off the top of my head: closeness, intimacy, getting to know someone well, manifested mutual interest in all this, and beyond that, just (Ha!) seeing what happens. What do I even WANT to happen? Now THAT's a good qx. Yeah, context/person-specific, but still...I no longer have a clear (or even muddy) picture of what I'd like, of what goal(s) to aspire to, of a desired configuration.

Thoughts along various lines: I can chameleon. Decently well, in fact. But I do not want to end up subsuming myself for another. I'm always gonna bust out and break free, so why not start off that way? Um, I do NOT mean to start out busted up or broken...stupid words/fingers. ;-)

Can one plan a crush? Strikes me as unwise even if possible. Emotions ain't like appliances where you can turn a knob or push a button and tap the flow of feelings automatically, modifying the flow at will, ultimately turning firmly off ('cept for the always warm pilot light) when "done." Now my mind's going off on issues of self-control...

There're folks who've spent time 'n' energy getting to know and control their bodies well, through (f'rinstance) martial arts, yoga, sports, dance, fencing, &c. Some also work on controlling/channeling/connecting w/their emotions, too. Where'm I going w/this? Not sure. Sensual play. Reaching a state where touch heightens emotion (insert appropriate adverbs 'n' other modifiers). Letting go enough such that another person can...

There's a fuzzy line 'tween sensation (physical feelings) and pleasure (emotional feelings). I do enjoy when they merge.

'Nuff for now. I must pack. Have acquired s'more books (for a quarter each...yeah, I know I don't need more, but what a steal!), ceramic items, blah blah blah and have to lug my luggage on two more buses and two more airplane flights before returning homeward. Not quite sure how to deal w/all this.

Comments

[quetz.livejournal.com]

At this point, I hate crushes. Crushing makes me stupid, "starting out busted up or broken", and by my will I shall love with my wits. I've been learning a lot about how you can recognize a crush and allow it to happen while keeping the reins on it.

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

Yeah. Controlled crushing is a good way to go. It's a big part of why the last couple of my crushes that didn't pan out didn't crush me horribly. Best wishes living by your wits, finding what you need/desire, and learning that it's mutual. Mutuality = Key, IMHO.

[quetz.livejournal.com]

Really, the only thing is to step back from yourself and objectively say, "You recognize that this is a crush, and not the Agape you are looking for." It also helps to have someone else who's close to you tell you: "You realize, you're crushing again. Don't let yourself get too emotionally invested in this."

Gauntlets of Crush Control

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

Just curious: what've you found that works to keep crushes controlled? I'm feeling like stockpiling armor/weapons, just in case.

Re: Gauntlets of Crush Control

[quetz.livejournal.com]

If I knew that, I'd have saved myself much pain.

Just keep your eyes on what it is you truly want, and how you want to get there, instead of getting sidetracked.

Re: Gauntlets of Crush Control

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

Just keep your eyes on what it is you truly want, and how you want to get there

"JUST"...*rolls eyes*

That's where I'm at now: really quite unclear on what I truly want. Once determined/decided, the planning on how to get there's a heck of a lot easier. Hmm, just re-read your line and realized I quite like how you've phrased it though: "how you want to get there." The plan does matter. Ends do not always justify means.

'Bout the best I've come up w/so far is figuring out at least some of what I do NOT want, a process I've dubbed "reverse venn-gineering."


If I knew that, I'd have saved myself much pain.

I could spout off something 'bout No Pain, No Gain, but I shan't. ;-)

Re: Gauntlets of Crush Control

[quetz.livejournal.com]

'Bout the best I've come up w/so far is figuring out at least some of what I do NOT want, a process I've dubbed "reverse venn-gineering."
That's not so hard. It's easy to black out the circles of "Drama Whores", "Abusers", "Doesn't Bathe", "No Social Skills", and see who's left standing...but look at who you've crushed on and see if you can figure out why.

Re: Gauntlets of Crush Control

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

look at who you've crushed on and see if you can figure out why.

Oh yay, a plan of action. Time to whip out the PaperJournal and use this food for thought productively. Thx. :-)

Re: Gauntlets of Crush Control

[quetz.livejournal.com]

That's where I'm at now: really quite unclear on what I truly want. Once determined/decided, the planning on how to get there's a heck of a lot easier. Hmm, just re-read your line and realized I quite like how you've phrased it though: "how you want to get there." The plan does matter. Ends do not always justify means.

Perhaps this'll help: You know what you don't want, right? Perhaps you also already know how you wouldn't want to get there.

Re: Gauntlets of Crush Control

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

Perhaps you also already know how you wouldn't want to get there.

Well, obviously (to me, anyhow) the way will NOT include lying, cheating, or coercing. Vis-a-vis the last one, one of the biggies I'm wondering about in all this is whether to be (or rather how much to be) passive (going w/the flow), staying open to possibilities, seeing what happens versus taking active control and being proactive (and more redundant, if possible ;-) 'Til I really know what I want though, it's harder taking control, other than continuing along alertly with an open mind and an open heart. Spinning wheels doesn't help...but so long as I keep moving along, all's well. And that does seem to be whassup, so I'm pleased. By the way, thx for your thoughts 'n' comments. Appreciated muchly.

Re: Gauntlets of Crush Control

[quetz.livejournal.com]

Not at all. I like playing the sounding-board, and this is a topic that I've been meditating on of late.

Re: Gauntlets of Crush Control

[quetz.livejournal.com]

I could spout off something 'bout No Pain, No Gain, but I shan't. ;-)
I'm not saying that I haven't learned a lot from my mistakes, but I've also put myself and those close to me through hell in the process, and that isn't acceptable.