HeartBreak Music
Sep. 10th, 2007 09:50 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mlerulesI've amassed a decent collection of Heart-Break compilations, included several that I've inspired (NOT purposefully, mind you) and some that I've created. Now and again I use 'em as emotional barometers, sticking 'em on and seeing whether I laugh, cry, shake my head in wonderment, or just enjoy the music.
It's dawned on me recently that I'm currently not in crush w/anybody. Crush-free's an interesting place to be. I do like the rush of the crush. And these days I'm far better at recovering from the crush of the heart when things don't work out. Does this mean I'm not crushing as far/hard/fast/deeply? Is this a good thing or a bad thing? Or is it simply (Ha!) that I've become more resilient?
Been wondering what's up w/my crushes anyway. What do/can/should I expect to come outta 'em? Answer off the top of my head: closeness, intimacy, getting to know someone well, manifested mutual interest in all this, and beyond that, just (Ha!) seeing what happens. What do I even WANT to happen? Now THAT's a good qx. Yeah, context/person-specific, but still...I no longer have a clear (or even muddy) picture of what I'd like, of what goal(s) to aspire to, of a desired configuration.
Thoughts along various lines: I can chameleon. Decently well, in fact. But I do not want to end up subsuming myself for another. I'm always gonna bust out and break free, so why not start off that way? Um, I do NOT mean to start out busted up or broken...stupid words/fingers. ;-)
Can one plan a crush? Strikes me as unwise even if possible. Emotions ain't like appliances where you can turn a knob or push a button and tap the flow of feelings automatically, modifying the flow at will, ultimately turning firmly off ('cept for the always warm pilot light) when "done." Now my mind's going off on issues of self-control...
There're folks who've spent time 'n' energy getting to know and control their bodies well, through (f'rinstance) martial arts, yoga, sports, dance, fencing, &c. Some also work on controlling/channeling/connecting w/their emotions, too. Where'm I going w/this? Not sure. Sensual play. Reaching a state where touch heightens emotion (insert appropriate adverbs 'n' other modifiers). Letting go enough such that another person can...
There's a fuzzy line 'tween sensation (physical feelings) and pleasure (emotional feelings). I do enjoy when they merge.
'Nuff for now. I must pack. Have acquired s'more books (for a quarter each...yeah, I know I don't need more, but what a steal!), ceramic items, blah blah blah and have to lug my luggage on two more buses and two more airplane flights before returning homeward. Not quite sure how to deal w/all this.
It's dawned on me recently that I'm currently not in crush w/anybody. Crush-free's an interesting place to be. I do like the rush of the crush. And these days I'm far better at recovering from the crush of the heart when things don't work out. Does this mean I'm not crushing as far/hard/fast/deeply? Is this a good thing or a bad thing? Or is it simply (Ha!) that I've become more resilient?
Been wondering what's up w/my crushes anyway. What do/can/should I expect to come outta 'em? Answer off the top of my head: closeness, intimacy, getting to know someone well, manifested mutual interest in all this, and beyond that, just (Ha!) seeing what happens. What do I even WANT to happen? Now THAT's a good qx. Yeah, context/person-specific, but still...I no longer have a clear (or even muddy) picture of what I'd like, of what goal(s) to aspire to, of a desired configuration.
Thoughts along various lines: I can chameleon. Decently well, in fact. But I do not want to end up subsuming myself for another. I'm always gonna bust out and break free, so why not start off that way? Um, I do NOT mean to start out busted up or broken...stupid words/fingers. ;-)
Can one plan a crush? Strikes me as unwise even if possible. Emotions ain't like appliances where you can turn a knob or push a button and tap the flow of feelings automatically, modifying the flow at will, ultimately turning firmly off ('cept for the always warm pilot light) when "done." Now my mind's going off on issues of self-control...
There're folks who've spent time 'n' energy getting to know and control their bodies well, through (f'rinstance) martial arts, yoga, sports, dance, fencing, &c. Some also work on controlling/channeling/connecting w/their emotions, too. Where'm I going w/this? Not sure. Sensual play. Reaching a state where touch heightens emotion (insert appropriate adverbs 'n' other modifiers). Letting go enough such that another person can...
There's a fuzzy line 'tween sensation (physical feelings) and pleasure (emotional feelings). I do enjoy when they merge.
'Nuff for now. I must pack. Have acquired s'more books (for a quarter each...yeah, I know I don't need more, but what a steal!), ceramic items, blah blah blah and have to lug my luggage on two more buses and two more airplane flights before returning homeward. Not quite sure how to deal w/all this.
