Procrastinating Heavily
Apr. 14th, 2005 07:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mlerules'Kay, this is truly part of my pattern: heavy procrastination...but with creativity starting to flow, with inspiration starting to ooze. Soon the pressure will get to be just enough (not too much or I could freeze up) and I can finally Just Do It. It's a balancing act. Perhaps not the best way to deal with things...but it does seem to be my modus operandi. Could be that I need loads going on so my subconscious does its job properly w/out me thinking too much 'bout it all (what needs to get done). So now I'm listening to music, a fine muse (hence the same root). And looking longingly yet again at a page I cut out a magazine YEARS ago: an ad for 120 glow in the dark cherub ornaments for only $9.97 (plus S/H). Just THINK of the possibilities! I'm imagining fishing line from which they dangle at various heights all over the ceiling and up and down the walls...then sticking blacklight bulbs into the lamp sockets...and sitting back and just letting it wash over me. Looked at the back of this wrinkled page (I LOVE the picture on the ad almost more than the actual things - which may be why I haven't gotten 'em yet) and found Chuck E. Cheese coupons that expired 10/16/99. It really HAS been a while since this page has been kicking around in one of the many piles of carp that litter my life. Now and again I start going through a pile, tossing some stuff, organizing bits, but ultimately sticking it all into another stack b'c I just can't deal w/it. Far easier dealing with other folks' piles of carp.
Again, not feeling overwhelmed by it now. Just focusing on other stuff so I don't have to deal w/what I SHOULD be dealing with. I've taken procrastination to Great Lengths...it's an art form now. Great Lengths was the name of the place that shagged my hair in Junior High (which is why I didn't have another prof'l haircut 'til 10th grade - when some joker feathered my hair...sure 'twas the style, but it does NOT work for me - which is why I didn't have another "prof'l" cut my hair 'til I was 30-something).
What's tricky 'bout the Balancing Act is that I really do enjoy a certain amount - or perhaps it's a certain type (and I really need to figure out what specifically works and doesn't) of stress and overwhelmingness. Remembering back in the dorms in Santa Cruz when I'd have both my and my roomies stereos on, playing diff music, plus a boombox going, and futzing w/the volume 'til I got it just right and could sit in a chair in the total darkness with 3 different types of music playing fairly loudly simultaneously so I couldn't focus too much on anything...letting my mind and myself go, travel, flow, be. Yes. Trip'd be a good word for't. (But this was all Natural - no stimulants or depressives...other than those mine own mind can/could provide/create...which is plenty...oh yeah.)
I've started to learn to trust my intuition...to recognize it...to let it guide me more...and not worry so much if'n I don't know exactly what's gonna happen next ('cause really, you can NEVER KNOW, so it's better to be able to go w/the flow and not be knocked for a loop when things don't go as planned/expected/hoped). I'm bouncing again...all over the place. This is a good sign. I think a certain amount of manic is my normal - and pref'd - state. Had to take steroids for a week or so some years ago and remembered LOVING the feeling. Realized something was up when I was incredibly happy exhilerated pleased overjoyed w/life...WHILE SITTING IN NASTY RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC FOR OVER AN HOUR IN A CAR THAT WASN'T MINE AND ONLY HAD AM RADIO. I have no interest in living a life straight and narrow with few ups and down. I'll take the downs in return for the oh-so-loverly UPs. The latter's far more common. Have one friend, an artist, who's been diagnosed manic-dep (or whatever they call it these daze). Tried the prescribed lithium for a while, but gave it up as he couldn't stand the steadiness, the lack of intensity, the straight line of feeilngs w/out the valleys and mountains. I prefer scaling mountains and now and again falling into pits...'cause I always pick myself back up and make my way back up towards the stars. I love being on top of the world...and right now and just 'bout there. Damn I've missed this! Wish I could tell what 'twas that got me here. Actually, I think part's due to the music I've got going (back to Bowie, a standard default)...and part's due to St's awe-inspired post earlier this eve. Dunno why 'xactly. Guess her intensity of positive feeling spoke to me, communicated good feeling/energy to me, made me feel good to be alive...knowing such goodness is around me.
Again, not feeling overwhelmed by it now. Just focusing on other stuff so I don't have to deal w/what I SHOULD be dealing with. I've taken procrastination to Great Lengths...it's an art form now. Great Lengths was the name of the place that shagged my hair in Junior High (which is why I didn't have another prof'l haircut 'til 10th grade - when some joker feathered my hair...sure 'twas the style, but it does NOT work for me - which is why I didn't have another "prof'l" cut my hair 'til I was 30-something).
What's tricky 'bout the Balancing Act is that I really do enjoy a certain amount - or perhaps it's a certain type (and I really need to figure out what specifically works and doesn't) of stress and overwhelmingness. Remembering back in the dorms in Santa Cruz when I'd have both my and my roomies stereos on, playing diff music, plus a boombox going, and futzing w/the volume 'til I got it just right and could sit in a chair in the total darkness with 3 different types of music playing fairly loudly simultaneously so I couldn't focus too much on anything...letting my mind and myself go, travel, flow, be. Yes. Trip'd be a good word for't. (But this was all Natural - no stimulants or depressives...other than those mine own mind can/could provide/create...which is plenty...oh yeah.)
I've started to learn to trust my intuition...to recognize it...to let it guide me more...and not worry so much if'n I don't know exactly what's gonna happen next ('cause really, you can NEVER KNOW, so it's better to be able to go w/the flow and not be knocked for a loop when things don't go as planned/expected/hoped). I'm bouncing again...all over the place. This is a good sign. I think a certain amount of manic is my normal - and pref'd - state. Had to take steroids for a week or so some years ago and remembered LOVING the feeling. Realized something was up when I was incredibly happy exhilerated pleased overjoyed w/life...WHILE SITTING IN NASTY RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC FOR OVER AN HOUR IN A CAR THAT WASN'T MINE AND ONLY HAD AM RADIO. I have no interest in living a life straight and narrow with few ups and down. I'll take the downs in return for the oh-so-loverly UPs. The latter's far more common. Have one friend, an artist, who's been diagnosed manic-dep (or whatever they call it these daze). Tried the prescribed lithium for a while, but gave it up as he couldn't stand the steadiness, the lack of intensity, the straight line of feeilngs w/out the valleys and mountains. I prefer scaling mountains and now and again falling into pits...'cause I always pick myself back up and make my way back up towards the stars. I love being on top of the world...and right now and just 'bout there. Damn I've missed this! Wish I could tell what 'twas that got me here. Actually, I think part's due to the music I've got going (back to Bowie, a standard default)...and part's due to St's awe-inspired post earlier this eve. Dunno why 'xactly. Guess her intensity of positive feeling spoke to me, communicated good feeling/energy to me, made me feel good to be alive...knowing such goodness is around me.
