mlerules

On the verge of leaving. Of picking up...and letting go. NO, I SHOUT! This ain't so. and yet...really...it sorta is. Wanna figure out how to - or just farking GO w/out worrying 'bout it so damned much! - keep my sources of strength/pillars.

Kay, now I'm getting jazzed again about it. IT = starting anew/afresh. Being who I wanna be. But who the heck is this? How specific should I be 'bout it? ... What comfort level do I want? What comfort level do I need? How long should I spend waiting/searching/trying? Hell, it's MY LIFE and I'll cry if I want to! Oh I do love the feeling of exhileration...even as it's mingled w/terror. It's the thrill of the roller coaster. And the simple delighted joy of sitting around together: talking, reading, playing a game, watching a movie, listening to music, lolling, relaxing, BEING. (Repeating myself. So be it.)

Musing on RESOURCES: internal and external...controllable and chaotic.

Sometimes I (and others) ask: Am I working too hard on something? ;-P I need something. A goal. Current goal = constructing worthwhile goals. blah blah blah and plans for acheiving 'em. Analysis Paralysis. Boredome? Exhaustion? Bursts of energy punctuated by lulls. My life cycle = punctuated equilibrium. And the heat's rising (see the steam)... Kabloom's in the works. Maybe. Better to burn out than fade away?

Okay, here's what I want: A CO-PILOT. Here's something else: DISCOURSE.

And now: music and cleaning mi casa.

***

21 Up. My ambivalence is now of 21 minds (increased from 12). Sheesh!

It's 10:23am and the day/year/rest of my life's only beginning!