Multi-Meta-Tasking

[mlerules]

Okay, I've identified the emotion (Q - shush, geoffcain), and even the immediate trigger (reason). Now to deal with the justification or rather the lack thereof. Here's the wandering pathway: I should not feel Q...b'c it's a "bad" feeling, b'c I shouldn't feel this way. Okay, this ain't particularly helpful when phrased this way. So...how better to approach it? 'Cause this way leads to the possibilities of (a) trying to repress/supress the feeling aka trying not to feel this way and/or (b) figuring out why I feel this way. The latter's closer to how I wanna handle it, but it's...too generalized a statement. So...will try to rephrase/restate it. "It" = issue, problem, goal-satisfaction attempt.

Zoom from a related series of thoughts: along w/figuring out needs vs. wants (hopefully/ideally overlapping loads or at least not conflicting, 'cause that (latter) sux, in a bad way), there's the issue of values. Not gonna say "being true to oneself" 'cause that presupposes that such truth exists and is identified...and really, that's a big part of what's going on: the search for...and creation of such truths as I want to live by and follow...which is where the whole masks afixing semi-permanently works itself into the picture.

But first, I digress. Hell, "first" ain't it...I DO DIGRESS. Mutlti-tasking is what I do. Sometimes phrased as "I multi-task well." Really, whassup is that what's going through my mind's so shattered and splintered and shininess exists in so many places: lights have been turned onto high and nearly everything's glinting and gleaming and sending off sparks and rays of light...trying to follow each one which in turn leads to 10 more...it's why I'm typing it out, attemping to Rubber Ducky (bless you hiddentass for that link http://c2.com/cgi/wiki/wiki?RubberDucking) hopefully to pick and choose a few particularly juicy strands (it's Massively Mixing Metaphors time (M3) once again apparently) to follow through. So, where am I:

Q sux...but what needs does it fulfil...or rather, what needs ain't being fulfilled such that Q is triggered and what can I do to satisfy the needs needing satisfaction in order for Q to not be triggered next time these same or similar circs arise?

If'n I act as if Q doesn't bug me, if'n I stop myself from feeling Q, or from ascribing the value of "bad me" to feeling Q and instead realize that feeling Q is signaling something to me, will Q then not bug me so much? If'n I act as if I'm a responsible adult with my act together, will I BECOME a responsible adult with my act together? When/where does the acting/mask-wearing end and the Real Me begin? Supression/represssion of feelings ain't so hot...but not letting 'em get me too down's coo-el. Okay: as stated above: I need to figure out what's missing such that I feel Q when X happens. 'Specially when there's more than sufficient evidence that Q is just plain stupid...as well as downright WACKY!

Is it selfishness (mine mine mine all mine...yeah, I guess I'll admit it: Q = jealousy)? Is it fear of rejection/replacement? Is it fear of not being enough? Is it fear of what happens when the crush subsides...when the shiny veneer rubs off and what's beneath...ain't 'nuff? And it's fairly freeing figuring this out: what's to be will be. There is something beneath...something other than the masks I choose to wear. Just 'cause I cannot clearly articulate or even identify it myself (and here, "myself" is precisely that about which I'm speaking) doesn't mean it's not good enough, even pretty danged grand. Just 'cause I cannot see it doesn't mean it's not there...or any less worthwhile.

Here could be part of it: insofar as we see ourselves through the eyes of others, what does it mean when they stop paying so much attention? Hmm. Really, it reflects more on them than on/from me. It's not necessarily that I'm any less bright, but after a while the shine dulls...perhaps. Or the glare gets too bright. Or something.

I'm looking at Mickhail Baryshnikov's shoe circa 1974, a big chunky beast appearing on today's Shoe-A-Day calendar. Does the fact that my brain's focus shifted mean that I'm close to something scary (screech, shift away from the truth b'c it's possibly terrifying)...or merely that the scattershot device that is my brain has lots focussed for a moment? Really don't know. The caffeine currently coursing through my veins does decrease the focus...or at least requires I break it up now and again. "It" = flow/train of thoughts...as if I'm thinking while travelling through a tunnel but once we emerge from a tunnel I all of a sudden see so much out there that my initial/current focus dims as more input comes streaming in.

Then again, if'n I cannot even focus on ME for any length of time w/out moving on (at least for a while) to something else, then how can I possibly feel bad if'n others do this too?! Silly me! Narcissistic fool. Mildly blushing, looking down at the ground, kicking the dirt. Feeling a bit better now. Phew.

Looking at the shoe picture again/still: things get imbued w/energy/feelings/thoughts...spirits/energies. Yet the things only symbolize the reality...getting rid of the things shouldn't get rid of the underlying importance...the things serve as triggers...if'n I can find other ways of triggering the desired feelings, memories, thought-patterns, emotional muscle memories, mebbe I can dispense w/all the STUFF cluttering up...my place, my mind, my life. People matter more than things. Yet things can be what brings the people closer if'n they're not there. Yeah, geography can be a b!tch. Time, too.

Bounce back. (Follow the bouncing ball and sing along...) Okay, I've not that long ago dealt successfully w/certain feelings of Q which were unwarranted or at least unwise. Not super-sure of the process I went through to get to the good place I'm at now vis-a-vis that matter...but since I did it once, I know I can do it again...which makes it easier to get through it...and hopefully faster than last time...if not necessarily easier.

So, what to do, how to act...in hopes that by so acting I can be as I want to be. I've identified the Q and realized it's not how I wanna proceed. What I have successfully done is not spiral through the "I'm not worthy, what am/was I thinking, it's not worth it, blah blah blah" crap, instead identifying whassup (Q triggered by X) and trying to think through the issues (processing happening, stand back) and resolve 'em somehow. How to get close...how to allow vulnerabilities...how to open up (to hurt) - without...what? Without being stupid. MORE LATER...off to Curves now...

One note: nobody reading this should take anything on themselves from reading this: this is about ME, not YOU.

Comments

[sidhefire.livejournal.com]

k.. wasn't sure if you even wanted comments?.. but you didn't disable them.. so a-posting I will go... this triggered all sorts of similar self-focused thoughts in me (about me & mine)... we get lots of attention at times... 'cause people seem to think we're shiny... I wonder sometimes, if seeing the "real" us... Me: when I get so involved in my gardening, that I don't care what I look like (and usually that's pretty frumpy)... ulesegisa when he withdraws into himself, and just wants to sit around the house in his favorite old robe... sometimes I wonder if all people really want is the bright shiny us.. when we're dressed up and entertaining.....

[delerium3.livejournal.com]

I love you guys all the time. So neener neener.

[ulesegisa.livejournal.com]

grins, and that is a two way street love..:).

There was a time when you knew me that I was far more insecure that I am now. and I can only hope that having seen the progression in my life lets you understand that I'm not in this for the "shiny", I'm in this for the "dirt 'n grime" and the "polish 'n shiny."

hugs and more,
Indigo

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

Note: I blather on at alength (often) but comments are always welcome...not too thin-skinned and always interested to hear what others have to say/think, if anything. So, not req'd and not necessarily gonna change anything...but input's good...even if off-topic mildly or majorly. Triggering stuff & things in other folks can be a good side-effect of mine own rants 'n' rambles.

Those folks who only want the bright shiny you won't likely stick 'round for the more humdrum. I figure how one approaches the humdrum matters even more than how brightly the shininess blares when it's ON...what happens and how you deal w/everyday life will shine through. As far as dress - hell, dressing's appropriate for the occasion, and frumpiness is what is appropriate for digging 'round in dirt and mud and horse droppings (um, Natural Composting Material) and/or hanging 'round the house. Those folks what spend 1/2 hour putting on makeup and picking out just the right strappy sandals WHILE CAMPING just don't get it. All IMHO, of course. Sharing the daily, the every-day, the must-get-dones...this is really really good stuff. It's what enables the dress up & entertaining once the work's done. All of life's to be savored and enjoyed, not just the shinyness...or rather, all of life can be shiny if approached correctly...'specially anything outdoors involving plants. I used to love driving 'round running errands w/my sweetie-pie...'cept he'd get frustrated and wanting to get it over with to get onto the "fun" stuff...just one of the reasons it didn't work out, I suppose. (Plus the fact that he's SOMETHING...in an unhealthy way.) From what I can tell, YOU are shiny, not for what you DO but for who you ARE and how you choose to live your life...glittery leather-clad and muddy and frumpy and all. Looking fwd to seeing/experiencing more of the Real You Folks to check and validate my thoughts along these lines before long.

[hiddentass.livejournal.com]

Disclaimer: This is another perspective sometimes useful for attacking repeative situation, it may not be applicable here at all.

Another path to consider (partially subsumed in your decription, and possibly completly subsumed in your mind) is the idea of secondary gains. "Bad" (evil, uncomfortable, maladaptive, not where you want to be -- anything which clearly conflicts with who you want to be) situations which actually has a beneficial side, the secondary gain. I've seen it with my work injury clients who, while desperatly in pain, also have the benefit of getting some slack at work, getting attention from a spouse, or the opportunity to dump work onto an evil co-worker. Having a secodnary gain can make it more difficult to actually see the way clear.

When these issues arise try to see if there is some benefit to you in there, and then there is the posibility of discovering how to get that benfit from a better pathway.

As I said, possibly not applicable but a differnt perspective can sometimes shake things loose.

--Tass

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

Interesting addition to the mix - thx. The biggest benefit I'm seeing is learning more 'bout myself and how better/best to deal w/this sorta thing so as not to drive myself (or anybody else) wacko. Baby steps...but heading in the right direction at least, which pleases me.

[hiddentass.livejournal.com]

Bah, that's not a secondary gain. That's a mature personality striving for understanding and growth.

Good job with a difficult spot in the path.

--Tass

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

Might a secondary benefit = realizing I do care more than perhaps I'd thought I did?

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

You're such a sweetie. Thx muchly. :-)

[ulesegisa.livejournal.com]

ok, so in a nut shell what I'm getting is that you are choosing to evaluate "Q" from a proactive point of view rather than a reactive point of view?

e.g.:

rather than, "I don't like this feeling of Q, its bad make it go away!"
you're choosing, "Humm I wonder what's underneath this feeling of Q and why has it chosen to surface around X actions and what can I benefit from this realization?"

if that's on the nail head, welcome to my world..grins.

Raises my hand and points to the "pile 'o crap" on the floor and states:

"This is my pile 'o crap. Do not clean it up for me, do not distract me from it. Its mine, I need to deal with it and I will when I'm able. Try not to step in it as it is smelly and sticks to the bottom of your shoes."

Sometimes I have to remind others that its ok for me to have Z,Q,R,Y and N feelings which are typically associated with "negative" or "bad". So long as I don't "inflict" it on someone else they are beneficial to me in allowing for self identification and the interactive tapes that I play towards the interactions and actions in my life.

However sometimes I do need "space" to deal with those emotions and I have also had to learn that its ok to ask for that space as well.

shared understandings and thoughts,
Indigo

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

Wow. I quite like how you state things nice & clearly, often extracting precisely what I'm trying to say and restating it so well, as well as giving me another POV to help consider from - thx. Yeah, you're on target w/all this stuff. It feels gooood to take control of it (at least to try, even if'n it slow-going and not as easy as I'd like) rather than let it wrestle me to the floor. LOVE the pile metaphor in particular!

[stacymckenna.livejournal.com]

Q sucks. I don't like having it around either.

But then, you prob'ly knew that already. ;)