On R-ships
Oct. 3rd, 2005 11:55 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mlerulesFirst off, I hate the terms "relationship," which is why I shorten it to r-ship, it takes away some of the bad taste left in my mouth from saying it. We each have a r-ship w/each other person in our lives. But when we use the term "r-ship," we tend to mean Of Some Certain Level of Significance. Poly can wack the heck outta this, of course, yet another aspect of the complexity and potential confusion inherant in non-standard/atypical (or at least not discussed at length by most folks) mixings/arrangements. That, however, is merely an aside - not relevant to the topic at hand. Hell, mebbe it is, 'cause all I'm doing now is rambling on at length 'bout r-ships.
Those who've followed my train of thoughts - who've ridden my trail of tears & fears - may be familiar w/my distinction 'tween Reflective Thoughts and Spontaneous Thoughts. Yes, I'm fully aware that they overlap considerably, but sometimes I put pen to paper (okay, fingers to keyboard) to note culminating thoughts after much reflection on particular topics/issues/ideas/thoughts whereas other times (such as now) I just sit down and start rambling, mind to finger, brain-pulse to finger-tap...it's an interesting process, how I later reread these torrents of thought and use 'em to help guide my reflective process.
Today's topic: how r-ships end. Not sure what specks of wisdom I'm gonna glean from this mind-dump, but that can wait...for now what's important is to get out and down some of the jumbled mess my brain's become filled with before the winds blow it all away. As an aside: intellectual stimulation does this: triggers thoughts, feelings, possibilities...and I like it...but I prefer it w/out the messiness caused by concerns 'bout social unease (now somewhat vitiated as 2 diff folks have postulated His e-mail as the result of a therapist's recommendation and/or a 12-step program requirement, implying as it does no change in actual circumstances or interactions). Back to the matter at hand:
Some r-ships shatter with a single blow (often though there'd been weakening of the structure beforehand). Some slowly deteriorate. I have very little idea what I'm talking about, though, having only sustained a 9-year one, a 4+ year (living together) one, and a series of 2 years one (and a mess of shorter-term ones, having basically been With Someone for all but 2 years (total time, not in one segment, and w/several diff someones) from age 15 'til 5.5 years ago). Okay, mebbe I DO have a clue 'bout this after all.
Sometimes r-ships "end" long before they actually do. Hence the value of checking in now and again w/those w/whom you're in a r-ship with to make sure all are okay and on the same page vis-a-vis the r-ship and how it stands. The value of communication cannot be overemphasized. Sometimes r-ships shift. Sometimes we're okay w/these shifts. It helps if'n you've had the opportunity to discuss the shifts and what they mean and can come to terms w/them. Flexibility's important. As is figuring out and articulating what's really truly important and necessary. Perhaps it's enough if'n you can be okay w/something in your mind and heart and soul even w/out being able to express it w/words, so long as you can effectively express your concerns if'n what's required and necessary starts getting eaten away at before it's too late. 'Nuff for now...have much more to ruminate on that's come outta this much.
Those who've followed my train of thoughts - who've ridden my trail of tears & fears - may be familiar w/my distinction 'tween Reflective Thoughts and Spontaneous Thoughts. Yes, I'm fully aware that they overlap considerably, but sometimes I put pen to paper (okay, fingers to keyboard) to note culminating thoughts after much reflection on particular topics/issues/ideas/thoughts whereas other times (such as now) I just sit down and start rambling, mind to finger, brain-pulse to finger-tap...it's an interesting process, how I later reread these torrents of thought and use 'em to help guide my reflective process.
Today's topic: how r-ships end. Not sure what specks of wisdom I'm gonna glean from this mind-dump, but that can wait...for now what's important is to get out and down some of the jumbled mess my brain's become filled with before the winds blow it all away. As an aside: intellectual stimulation does this: triggers thoughts, feelings, possibilities...and I like it...but I prefer it w/out the messiness caused by concerns 'bout social unease (now somewhat vitiated as 2 diff folks have postulated His e-mail as the result of a therapist's recommendation and/or a 12-step program requirement, implying as it does no change in actual circumstances or interactions). Back to the matter at hand:
Some r-ships shatter with a single blow (often though there'd been weakening of the structure beforehand). Some slowly deteriorate. I have very little idea what I'm talking about, though, having only sustained a 9-year one, a 4+ year (living together) one, and a series of 2 years one (and a mess of shorter-term ones, having basically been With Someone for all but 2 years (total time, not in one segment, and w/several diff someones) from age 15 'til 5.5 years ago). Okay, mebbe I DO have a clue 'bout this after all.
Sometimes r-ships "end" long before they actually do. Hence the value of checking in now and again w/those w/whom you're in a r-ship with to make sure all are okay and on the same page vis-a-vis the r-ship and how it stands. The value of communication cannot be overemphasized. Sometimes r-ships shift. Sometimes we're okay w/these shifts. It helps if'n you've had the opportunity to discuss the shifts and what they mean and can come to terms w/them. Flexibility's important. As is figuring out and articulating what's really truly important and necessary. Perhaps it's enough if'n you can be okay w/something in your mind and heart and soul even w/out being able to express it w/words, so long as you can effectively express your concerns if'n what's required and necessary starts getting eaten away at before it's too late. 'Nuff for now...have much more to ruminate on that's come outta this much.
