![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mlerulesOkay, I keep starting this post, then not writing it. I've drafted it in my head, as I often draft LJ posts. Dunno if'n whassup is that I'm tired of the shouting-into-a-well feeling. Mebbe LJ has served as a sounding board more than I'd realized/admitted and I miss it. 'Cept I know this ain't always so. Oft-times I really am just doing it for myself.
Ah, and now that I've begun, NOW it IS for ME (rather than for you folks), and comments ain't so necessary (although they are welcome :-)
This (writing an LJ post) is yet another example of me starting something, only then to realize how much I like (and need) it. Writing helps me process, big-time. And here's what I wanna work on here & now:
It used to be, not so very long ago, actually, that I derived great pleasure from whatEVER (an adventure) by the anticipation of it, by the planning and duck-aligning ahead of time, by thinking of how it might go, reveling in such feelings, then doing it - participating in the adventure and the feelings all tied up w/it - and then again in the write-up afterward. Now though, now it feels as if my anticipation's not really there so much anymore. Dunno whassup w/it.
Does it feel more like a chore? (IT = prep stuff, duck-chasing/tossing, &c.)
Or do I simply need to lay off some so I appreciate it more when I do do stuff. Dunno.
How I deal w/this sorta thought apparently = coming up w/a plan of action to try to see if'n I'm right (a hypothesis to test). So, this works decently w/my Staying Local More plan/desire anyway. Chix 'n' Eggies at work here & now, actually.
Related mind-farts: investment. How it's tricky to invest of myself and then just turn off the tap. Mebbe it's easier not to turn it off but merely decrease the outflow of myself. I seek engagement, but my available time/energy's often far greater than another's. Am I "settling" when I then seek to match mine to another's? (Not really/necessarily b'c all my eggs aren't in any one single basket anyway, so it'd seem as if NO were the answer, but I think it's slightly more complicated.)
What do I want? Yeah, I do know the answer to this: Mutual Admiration Society w/tons of energy/time flowing back and forth. Dunno though where/how I'm gonna find this. If'n something (someONE) ain't local, there's a built-in limit to what's possible anyway (although the e-world helps ameliorate comm-frequency issues). So mebbe limited for long-distance is the best/most sensible way to go anyhoo...
And here's where I loop right back around to the anticipation stuff I began this post with: I prefer to have hope but not expectation. Can I enjoy anticipation w/only hope, or does the process of enjoying anticipation require (or lead to increased) expectation? And now I'm thinking back a full decade to a time when I made a point of not looking too far ahead of time, of not looking forward too much (in case something didn't work out). And I look back at a particular set of feelings, of the pain of separation after a great weekend together, of the intensity of those feelings...do I really wanna do this again?
Quite possibly - it's what really matters, after all, the intense connections, the deepness and richness of intimacy, the forging of bonds. And even if eventually they seem to disappear, sometimes that's just life/circumstances. Those feelings were real, I sincerely believe this. Sometimes, however, they're not sustainable. [Wow - I'm listening to Joshua Rifkin playing Scott Joplin's Solace right now and it's SO fitting what I'm feeling - I do so lurv such synchronous moments!]
Okay, I'll admit it - I AM feeling anticipation...and regardless of how things go ultimately (or even on this next IRL experience), I'm right here & now loving the feeling(s).
Yeah, yeah, BAPAMAP's all very well and good, but I also want (possibly even crave) the Snap Crackle Pop...the rush and surge of energy from good connection. I want intimacy. I want to see how someone else ticks. I want to view the world through another person's eyes/lenses. I want this as a mutually desired and manifested on-going activity.
...pation!
Right now I'm feeling incredibly energized and happy peppy good...
Ah, and now that I've begun, NOW it IS for ME (rather than for you folks), and comments ain't so necessary (although they are welcome :-)
This (writing an LJ post) is yet another example of me starting something, only then to realize how much I like (and need) it. Writing helps me process, big-time. And here's what I wanna work on here & now:
It used to be, not so very long ago, actually, that I derived great pleasure from whatEVER (an adventure) by the anticipation of it, by the planning and duck-aligning ahead of time, by thinking of how it might go, reveling in such feelings, then doing it - participating in the adventure and the feelings all tied up w/it - and then again in the write-up afterward. Now though, now it feels as if my anticipation's not really there so much anymore. Dunno whassup w/it.
Does it feel more like a chore? (IT = prep stuff, duck-chasing/tossing, &c.)
Or do I simply need to lay off some so I appreciate it more when I do do stuff. Dunno.
How I deal w/this sorta thought apparently = coming up w/a plan of action to try to see if'n I'm right (a hypothesis to test). So, this works decently w/my Staying Local More plan/desire anyway. Chix 'n' Eggies at work here & now, actually.
Related mind-farts: investment. How it's tricky to invest of myself and then just turn off the tap. Mebbe it's easier not to turn it off but merely decrease the outflow of myself. I seek engagement, but my available time/energy's often far greater than another's. Am I "settling" when I then seek to match mine to another's? (Not really/necessarily b'c all my eggs aren't in any one single basket anyway, so it'd seem as if NO were the answer, but I think it's slightly more complicated.)
What do I want? Yeah, I do know the answer to this: Mutual Admiration Society w/tons of energy/time flowing back and forth. Dunno though where/how I'm gonna find this. If'n something (someONE) ain't local, there's a built-in limit to what's possible anyway (although the e-world helps ameliorate comm-frequency issues). So mebbe limited for long-distance is the best/most sensible way to go anyhoo...
And here's where I loop right back around to the anticipation stuff I began this post with: I prefer to have hope but not expectation. Can I enjoy anticipation w/only hope, or does the process of enjoying anticipation require (or lead to increased) expectation? And now I'm thinking back a full decade to a time when I made a point of not looking too far ahead of time, of not looking forward too much (in case something didn't work out). And I look back at a particular set of feelings, of the pain of separation after a great weekend together, of the intensity of those feelings...do I really wanna do this again?
Quite possibly - it's what really matters, after all, the intense connections, the deepness and richness of intimacy, the forging of bonds. And even if eventually they seem to disappear, sometimes that's just life/circumstances. Those feelings were real, I sincerely believe this. Sometimes, however, they're not sustainable. [Wow - I'm listening to Joshua Rifkin playing Scott Joplin's Solace right now and it's SO fitting what I'm feeling - I do so lurv such synchronous moments!]
Okay, I'll admit it - I AM feeling anticipation...and regardless of how things go ultimately (or even on this next IRL experience), I'm right here & now loving the feeling(s).
Yeah, yeah, BAPAMAP's all very well and good, but I also want (possibly even crave) the Snap Crackle Pop...the rush and surge of energy from good connection. I want intimacy. I want to see how someone else ticks. I want to view the world through another person's eyes/lenses. I want this as a mutually desired and manifested on-going activity.
...pation!
Right now I'm feeling incredibly energized and happy peppy good...
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2011-07-18 07:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-07-18 02:47 pm (UTC)