Death Midwife

[mlerules]

Wow. Just got an e-mail from a Dear Friend (& pseudo-step-sis) who's adding new depth to her career as a hospice nurse with s'more very closely related functions. Here's what she has to say:

"I came to this weekend workshop to become a certified death midwife or home funeral guide. All these terms may sound yucky to others. But to me it is just the way it's supposed to be. We care for people at my work until they die. Then they're swept away by the morticians either never to be seen again or to be seen one last time with makeup on from the chest up. People spend thousands of dollars on funerals and caskets and preparation of the body. The truth is that the mortuary can be bypassed entirely. The body can be brought back home from wherever it is (mortuary, morgue, hospital, hospice facility, nursing home, coroner) and tended to by family and friends for a few hours or a few days. Typical "care" is to wash and dress the body and lay them out lovingly. It's not necessarily for show. It's all in the "doing." We have lost touch literally with the doing of so many things. We're stuck thinking about things. Feeling like professionals are the only ones who can and know how to "handle it". But to do something physically, with our hands, problem-solve, with others, is healing.

I'm not saying any of you has to chose this path. It is not for everyone. But it's good to know. It's good to know that it is legal to go to the hospital and ask for the body back. Not to say it will be easy. And sometimes they won't let you. But know that it is legal. You can drive the person home dead in your car as long as they're covered up. You can file the death certificate and the form for dispensation of the body. YOU DON'T NEED A MORTUARY TO DO IT. You still need the doctor to fill out the death certificate, of course.

I have always felt sad that Grandma [X]'s death was so impersonal. I saw her the night before she died curled up on her side asleep. In the morning I got a call that she had died. And that was it. I think now that the respectful, loving, dignified thing to do would have been to bring her back to my house and tend to her the way she had tended to others...lovingly. Wash her hair, sip tea, pick flowers, put something pretty on her, tell stories, laugh and cry with other people who knew things about her too."

Apparently there's lots of (political) resistance to the movement in Oregon, but luckily she's in California.

I've been around more death and death-related stuff recently than ever before, so this is hitting home even more than it might.

Comments

[ebony-sphynx.livejournal.com]

It all comes in like the tide.

This is good information to have. I don't know that I will ever use it, but it's good to know.

I love you.

[gcuvier.livejournal.com]

I watched an excellent documentary on home funerals last year. The name is escaping me but I watched it on Netflix Instant. It was a very moving show.

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

Likely A Family Undertaking. (http://www.pbs.org/pov/afamilyundertaking/) I wanna see it now (she reco'd it to me when first telling me 'bout her this stuff a while ago).

[darthsunshine.livejournal.com]

I hope the political resistance in Oregon is overcome. I think it's awesome.

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

Me, too. Yeah.

[vonvoncake.livejournal.com]

I actually had the opportunity to speak with a death midwife, one of the more well known ones who lives here in WA. It's an amazing, healthy approach to death and the idea that someone can help the person and the family make this transition is both radical and an idea that stands the test of time. Our recent ancestors had better ways of coping than we do. I have lots of thoughts on this...and I know that PK has also researched this.

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

Yeah, fascinating stuff that makes a lotta sense to me.

[ignusfaatus.livejournal.com]

i was a hospice nurses assistant. I tended 65 people on their dying day. i washed them before the mortician came and tried to make them look comfortable for the families. it's a beatiful thought but... things come out. I think bodies should be touched an loved by the families but...
things come out that only a detached person should deal with.

[stacymckenna.livejournal.com]

Health issues are my primary resistance to the elimination pros, as well.

Since health issues were the primary reason our culture shifted to pros and "lost touch" with tending our dead at home, I think a blend of the two approaches should be explored as opposed to insisting on either extreme. AS usual, moderation and education are key.

[nightrythm]

Yes, moderation and education, always.

I'm a little disturbed by the use of the phrase midwife. I get what they're trying to convey, but it means "with woman"...

[hollyteige.livejournal.com]

In the village I grew up in the native people used the label "death walker" which I always found fairly accurate. They essentially walked beside the dying person and their family through the end of the burial and beginning of the grieving process. In the village there were usually two for each family, one for the men and another for the women.

[nightrythm]

Now that's really interesting. Where did you grow up?

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

Small town in Alaska.

[hollyteige.livejournal.com]

Yep, I grew up in Dillingham and also spent time in Aleknagik, Manakotak, McGrath, and Barrow. There was some sort of cultural support for grieving families in each community and it's very different from what was offered in those same communities by the white folks who had moved in as missionaries. Interesting disparities to watch when I was young and that sense of difference is still present now, years later. It's all so interesting, this human condition!

[hollyteige.livejournal.com]

This is an intriguing idea that I've heard of before and am still unsure if I would use it. I think it would have been nice to have a death midwife attend my grandmother at and after her passing. Our family could have used the guidance and support. I am pretty sure none of us would have wanted to clean up the bed or her body after her passing but I suggest this is likely due more in part to our sanitized view of bodies on the whole, not just the death part.

I like the idea and thank you and your friend for passing it along.

Didi thinks this is a Peachy Keen idea

[quetz.livejournal.com]

http://scans-daily.dreamwidth.org/1231975.html?#cutid1

Re: Didi thinks this is a Peachy Keen idea

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

Thx. I've not actually read any Sandman, although I keep meaning to find someone w/it to do so.

Re: Didi thinks this is a Peachy Keen idea

[quetz.livejournal.com]

I just happen to have everything Gaiman has ever written.

Re: Didi thinks this is a Peachy Keen idea

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

Ooooooh, may I borrow some now 'n' again? (Pretty please w/a cherry on top?)

[cirqueducroquet.livejournal.com]

Interesting choice of words. I'd have thought a death midwife would be someone who stays with the dying person and helps them with the transition. It sounds like what you're describing is more of a home mortician. Or am I misunderstanding? I'd love to hear more about what inspired people to do this work in the home rather than using professional services.

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

Well, my friend/step-sis who does this already stays w/the dying person and helps him/her w/the transition, as she's a hospice nurse. This new bit is helping the surviving fambily and friends deal w/stuff 'n' things involving the body rather than pawning it off to morticians to handle.

I'll likely be posting more 'bout it as I learn more myself. One good place (I gather) to learn more 'bout this kinda thing is the good PBS documentary entitled A Family Undertaking (http://www.pbs.org/pov/afamilyundertaking/).