Impression Management

[mlerules]

Okay, there's a Big Post abrewin' 'bout this topic - and related topics. For now, though, mere snippets must suffice as morsels to chew over more later on:

Who do you let see the Real You, in all it's ingloriousness? With whom do you feel comfie letting your hair down, letting it all hang out, being yourself w/few filters running, few walls up, fewer self-censoring modules functioning, less protective coloration/camo, wearing a less complicated mask - mebbe just a half-mask...or a clear one...or fewer layers of mask (thinking thin paper machier(sp))? All this relates to Intimacy (trust & comfort), as well as to a desire to dig deep and be real (authentique(sp)) as opposed to existing/interacting merely/mostly on a how's-the-weather/small talk basis.

What happens when someone in this Quite Intimate category removes themselves from the Short List? Whabout when someone removes you from their Short List, when you're given short shrift? When once Intimate, it can be tricky backing off...re-donning masks, re-upping filters, re-censoring oneself, re-moving oneself from possible conflicts. Perhaps any/all interaction contain(s) the seeds for conflict. Fark it - I don't like cutting ties, even though I will back off if desired. Of course it helps if'n I know what's desired and don't have to guess.

Ah, hypothetical musings on the nature of mask-making/wearing/tearing-off-and/or-burning. Open-books. Open-house. Open-door. Policies...theories...ideals. Actions...reality. Woomancipation's coming up, so I'm taking a look at what I've burned before and considering how well I've accomplished the goals I've set, reviewing how successful I've been at discarding/getting rid of the old/unnecessary/unhealthy and making room for new/good/positive stuff 'n' things through/by/after burning the old/bad symbolically. And working on articulating what's next to toss/burn/leave behind and thereby open up room for goodness and/or positive stuff and/or growth.

Comments

[darthsunshine.livejournal.com]

When someone comes off my short list, the easiest way for me to deal with changing the level of intimacy with which I interact with them is to have a bit of a cooling-off period when I don't interact with them much at all. Elsewise it's always been really hard for me to figure out how to shift gears mid-stream.

When I'm taking off somebody else's short list - or never put on it in the first place, even - despite their being on my short list: this one is something I've put a lot of thought/energy into over the last year or so. I prefer for my relationships to be reciprocal in this way, because that is so much easier. But I've experienced some relationships over the last couple of years that have felt non-reciprocal in this sense, but like they're still fulfilling relationships. Those kind of relationships feel harder to maintain, because I have to think more about the boundaries involved. And they seem more likely to push buttons for me, I think, but they're generally buttons that result in some really juicy examination/exploration.

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

*nods head* re: cooling-off period as a way of easing the transition rather than shifting gears mid-stream (thx for this imagery - it works quite well for me).

Re: your 2nd para - I, too, prefer mutuality (aka reciprocity - although I'm not sure of the differences or whether/how they're meaningful) in r-ships. Good thinkie thoughts here - thx. I haven't given much thought to it along such lines (using that term/concept (boundaries) and think it behooves me to do so some.

I'm reminded of what I've called a 90/10 r-ship, where I listened 90% of the time and only got to get a word in edgewise mebbe 10% of the time. It was fairly fascinating, certainly, but ultimately unfulfilling...and ultimately annoying. (I don't have anything to do w/this person anymore.) In fact, I'm gonna take a gander at how often this sorta thing happens (where I listen as folks gush deeply while they're not so open/interested/available to listen to what I've got to say) and see how healthy such a r-ship is for me.

Hope to see you again once I return from points North (then South). You've clearly done lotsa good navel-gazing, contemplation, &c. I don't know if talking 'bout this sorta thing interests you as much as it does me, but I'd quite like to have tea w/you sometime and chat 'bout this, that, and t'other, if'n you're amenable. :-)

* cringes*

[magickalmom.livejournal.com]

"I'm reminded of what I've called a 90/10 r-ship, where I listened 90% of the time and only got to get a word in edgewise mebbe 10% of the time. It was fairly fascinating, certainly, but ultimately unfulfilling...and ultimately annoying."

I feel the same way and I must admit that I sometimes do this to others too. Good gods, one more thing I need to add to that growing list of things I wish to work on about myself. :-) Mirror gazing, while ultimately rewarding if you see your flaws and work to improve them, kinda stinks. *smiles*

[darthsunshine.livejournal.com]

I am definitely amenable to tea and chatting with you when you get back! Perhaps we can have an after-birthday celebratory tea? Speaking of tea, I may need to make some this morning; grey mornings are made for tea. :)

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

Oh, good. :-) Yeah - this weather's good for hot tea and hot baths.

And now, I'm off...wheezoom!

Learning said lesson first hand

[magickalmom.livejournal.com]

"When someone comes off my short list, the easiest way for me to deal with changing the level of intimacy with which I interact with them is to have a bit of a cooling-off period when I don't interact with them much at all. Elsewise it's always been really hard for me to figure out how to shift gears mid-stream."

I am personally learning this lesson first hand right now. I didn't think that I would need a cooling off period; that I was capable of transitioning to the wider friendship boundary. Then I discovered that while I thought I could handle such a task, the other person clearly could not. Which left me struggling even more to find a sense of self, boundaries, and ownership of my own process. Such a very frustrating place to be. Which now I see built resentment, distrust, and a feeling of wanting to completely isolate myself. Not good.

Thankfully I started to figure out that I really did need a cooling off period and since that has begun to fall into place in it's own way I struggle less. I just wish I had noticed sooner. LOL

Thank you for sharing; somehow I feel less alone in my need for the space and time.

Re: Learning said lesson first hand

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

I've tried to do this shift w/out a cooling-off period in the past and it did not go particularly well. Ya' think I'd've learned, right?! Not always so.

Good for you to figure this out and work to avoid building resentment, distrust, and isolating yourself (before it got too outta hand).

Thank you for responding and sharing, as I, too, greatly appreciate feeling less alone.

And thx for good trip wishes - it's gonna be FAB!