Hostess to New Experiences
May. 27th, 2009 11:44 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mlerulesI prefer thinking of this in non-Sci/Fi terms: no hosting of alien spawn w/in unwilling (or even willing) bodies. Instead, I'm thinking of a host of new experiences, new opportunities for learning, new avenues of growth.
Must keep moving or I'll die...NO. This is precisely what BAPAMAP is all about: taking time, finding joy, reconnecting. Damn. DamnDamnDamn. And I don't like swearing. Much. Fuck. Mind's working, gonna let it spin on in the background whilst I appreciate the purring of kittenhead Havana's sweet self, remembering moments of delight from the recent sets of adventures. THIS is a big part of what BAPAMAP is and is for: sorting through and organizing experiences and emotions, for catching up w/oneself, reminding myself of what matters. Much of my ME time ends up as planning/duck juggling time (looking into the future). I need time to process the recent past as well as to ponder the future (as opposed to making plans for't).
And now this may be getting too personal. I follow a Do Not Delete policy, but this is different. Perhaps it's a bending of the rules, a pushing of the envelope, but I'm really feeling like filtering this. And by filtering I don't mean LJ. I mean sending e-mails to a select few people. To my loves, perhaps, but not necessarily. *sigh* I'm feeling a need to be clear and an inadequacy in being able to meet/satisfy this need.
Needs vs. wants vs. desires. This weekend vs. Next weekend. Communication can be difficult. Intimacy is desired. I do not want to be needed. I want to be desired. From the archives, I give you Cheap Trick's "I Want You To Want Me..." I saw 'em in concert in Ventura in the...not quite sure when that was, which sorta bugs me. One of my Twisty Phone Cord issues is remembering time-frames. Dunno why, really, other than that's what I do. Mebbe it's not necessary. Mebbe it's not wise. But then again, mebbe 'tis. Until I find a reason not to then, I shall dwell ON time, even if'n I choose not always to dwell IN it. Okay - figured out when that concert was: approx a decade ago. Went out for live music and dancing a lot then. Would like to incorporate more into my life again. Mebbe ecstatic dance on Sunday. This is sounding Really Good.
*****
For some reason I'm now working on a Bummer compilation. Doesn't matter why. And everything's fine...I'm just enjoying a nostalgia ride of emotions. I'm tired of my crazy-making machine. Gonna tune it up or trade it in...gonna bust it up and put it back together again or perhaps just tweak and tinker, add controls, releases, fuses, heat sinks, pressure valves, balloons, pre-jetsam...this thought pleases me greatly. Adding to the toolbox, changing the whole machine...
Life is best shared. Ditto love.
Must keep moving or I'll die...NO. This is precisely what BAPAMAP is all about: taking time, finding joy, reconnecting. Damn. DamnDamnDamn. And I don't like swearing. Much. Fuck. Mind's working, gonna let it spin on in the background whilst I appreciate the purring of kittenhead Havana's sweet self, remembering moments of delight from the recent sets of adventures. THIS is a big part of what BAPAMAP is and is for: sorting through and organizing experiences and emotions, for catching up w/oneself, reminding myself of what matters. Much of my ME time ends up as planning/duck juggling time (looking into the future). I need time to process the recent past as well as to ponder the future (as opposed to making plans for't).
And now this may be getting too personal. I follow a Do Not Delete policy, but this is different. Perhaps it's a bending of the rules, a pushing of the envelope, but I'm really feeling like filtering this. And by filtering I don't mean LJ. I mean sending e-mails to a select few people. To my loves, perhaps, but not necessarily. *sigh* I'm feeling a need to be clear and an inadequacy in being able to meet/satisfy this need.
Needs vs. wants vs. desires. This weekend vs. Next weekend. Communication can be difficult. Intimacy is desired. I do not want to be needed. I want to be desired. From the archives, I give you Cheap Trick's "I Want You To Want Me..." I saw 'em in concert in Ventura in the...not quite sure when that was, which sorta bugs me. One of my Twisty Phone Cord issues is remembering time-frames. Dunno why, really, other than that's what I do. Mebbe it's not necessary. Mebbe it's not wise. But then again, mebbe 'tis. Until I find a reason not to then, I shall dwell ON time, even if'n I choose not always to dwell IN it. Okay - figured out when that concert was: approx a decade ago. Went out for live music and dancing a lot then. Would like to incorporate more into my life again. Mebbe ecstatic dance on Sunday. This is sounding Really Good.
*****
For some reason I'm now working on a Bummer compilation. Doesn't matter why. And everything's fine...I'm just enjoying a nostalgia ride of emotions. I'm tired of my crazy-making machine. Gonna tune it up or trade it in...gonna bust it up and put it back together again or perhaps just tweak and tinker, add controls, releases, fuses, heat sinks, pressure valves, balloons, pre-jetsam...this thought pleases me greatly. Adding to the toolbox, changing the whole machine...
Life is best shared. Ditto love.
