Into the Fog, Once Again

[mlerules]

Once upon a time I went somewhere and did something and tried really hard to have no expectations b'c dashed expectations suck. When considering after the fact whether I had a good time and enjoyed myself and whether the experience was worthwhile, I look at (a) whether my expectations were met, but since these didn't exist (or at least I cannot articulate them), the secondary factor becomes even more important, which is to say (b) whether my current rememberance of the overall time/experience was positive, worthwhile, interesting, informative along with (c) whether I'm interested in returning to the scene of the crime with the same or a similar cast of characters present. Of course, (c) is a combo of intuition/feeling about whether I wanna go back for more and my thoughts vis-a-vis (b).

Okay, then, assuming expectations weren't in order and didn't actually exist, there's still the matter of hoped-for and desired outcomes/experiences versus actual happenings. In other words, how closely did fantasy match reality. In still other words, now that reality contains more data, can I devise possible fantasies based on all available data that make me want more?

Life as a labyrinth and we as lab rats, walking it repeatedly, but not realizing it.

What seems to be happening is this: I want(ed?) something from some-where/one. Not quite sure what. Thus not sure whether I got it, or whether I got some of it, or whether there's more/any to be gotten from that source.

Recent tarot readings, along with listening to any advice I'd ever give to someone else who came to me w/similar issues - which really, I should do, all these means I really should demonstrate and exhibit and suffer through PATIENCE. What's called for: biding my time. Seeds're sown. Must wait for harvest. Still need to water, fertilize, weed, care for...but not 'til it's time will it be ready. Mebbe now that I'm more in tune w/the seasons my ability to wait and see will re-flower. One problem: I've been too eager to wait and see and wait and wait and wait...for naught, that perhaps now I'm less likely to waste too much time and energy so I'm more likely to err on the side of underbaking than burning. So, would I rather chuck raw(ish) dough or hockey pucks? Perhaps best to keep working in the kitchen 'til I get it right...

*****

Shifting gears. My focus has really shifted over the years from "I want so-and-so to like me" to "I would like to receive manifestations of feelings from so-and-so." Before I'd wonder and questions whether thus-and-such were proof of someone caring for/about me. Now I'm content w/what I've decided counts as evidence. Thus my references to wanting manifestations of love rather than focusing on love itself.

I know I'm loved. That's great. No really. It's really really nice. But without it being manifested now and again, without some solid physical SOMETHING (reminders? proof? evidence? words? tasks completed? actions taken? manifestations?), SO FREAKIN' WHAT?! I've heard that "just knowing" should suffice. And maybe it does.

***

Love as a sustainable resource. Springs of love're within us. (Okay, within ME anyway...not all go along w/this imagery for themselves.) I want to tap 'em and share 'em and refuel 'em in the process. Love is in part reinvigoration. And inspiration.

Once more unto the breach, good friends, once more...

Comments

[damiana-swan.livejournal.com]

About 10 years ago I was in a couple of relationships that taught me one of the more important lessons I've learned:

Someone who does wonderful is better than someone who just is wonderful.

Ever since then I've been seeking out the folks who do wonderful, and I've been lucky to find a whole lot of them.

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

I like this distinction quite a bit - thanks.

[evilgerbil.livejournal.com]

There are very few people that I'm ok with caring about and not feeling it in return. Usually these are people who have impacted me strongly or we have been so close at one point that it will reverberate the rest of my life. But for most people, this doesn't cut it. I want to know I am important. How do I know I am loved if they don't tell me or show me? Conversely, I am working on better expressing the same.

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I get this. My current concern revolves around the issue of how much should I care w/out it seemingly being reciprocated before bailing? I can hope that feelings are or will become mutual, but for how long should I wait to see? 'Cause it's not good to scare folks off, or to pine, or to bail too early? Thus the whole patience thing.

Your point's well taken about working on expressing love yourself. How does the other person KNOW I care unless I show it? Sometimes early on in particular you may not want to overplay your hand or let on that you care too much precisely so you don't scare someone off and/or b'c you're really not sure yourself what you feel or how much or whether it's crush or real so you don't want to let on but you still want them to show SOMETHING, some interest. And by "you" of course I mean "me/I." *sigh*

Thx for helping me think more of this through...

[stacymckenna.livejournal.com]

I've always been a much bigger fan of doing than being. Took a while to edumacate the BF on that one, and he has a hard time with it (he's big on words as well, though I catch him actually responding more to actions), but I just can't stomach words without the deeds to back them up.

[evilgerbil.livejournal.com]

My thoughts were more directed towards people and friends and general, but I think they can apply to romantic interests as well. It all depends on who you're interested in attracting. I, for example, want someone that isn't scared at all of being loved, so if I proclaim interest or we connect on some level and he runs (it just happened), I'm not that disappointed because I know he wasn't what I wanted. Hell, my last beau told me almost right off the bat "Listen, life is short and I like being direct.." and followed that up by him thinking I was incredibly special and really being interest in me. That might have chased off another woman, but for me, it was ON. :) Different strokes for different folks.

[stacymckenna.livejournal.com]

I find honesty works best. Don't try to manipulate or manage it. be open and honest about who you are and what you feel and that usually works best with the least drawn out drama.

Of course, it's usually ENTIRELY counter-intuitive. ;P

[vismaya-viewer.livejournal.com]

Ah, patience, such a lovely lesson when the Universe singles you out for it; usually sitting on you in the middle of the labyrinth, instructing you to stop and think before moving forward. I suck at the manifesting love, assuming no one is interested unless they smack me upside the head with a 'clue by four' before dragging me off by the hair. It does get the message across. :o)

[anansi133.livejournal.com]

I want(ed?) something from some-where/one. Not quite sure what. Thus not sure whether I got it, or whether I got some of it, or whether there's more/any to be gotten from that source.


That makes it sound a little like a strip-mine operation. Is there a way to get sustainable yields of the stuff you want? (and how well must you know what you want before you know you're not strangling the source?)

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

Clue-by-fours do have advantages. As we discussed, the direct approach works well. As you can see from my post(s) though, I'm not always willing/able to articulate whassup or what I want so it makes it trickier to ask for't.

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

and how well must you know what you want before you know you're not strangling the source?

BINGO! (But only part of the potentially troubling issues.)

Is there a way to get sustainable yields of the stuff you want?

Well, yeah - that's what I'm trying to figure/find out/find.