Into the Fog, Once Again
Oct. 1st, 2007 09:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mlerulesOnce upon a time I went somewhere and did something and tried really hard to have no expectations b'c dashed expectations suck. When considering after the fact whether I had a good time and enjoyed myself and whether the experience was worthwhile, I look at (a) whether my expectations were met, but since these didn't exist (or at least I cannot articulate them), the secondary factor becomes even more important, which is to say (b) whether my current rememberance of the overall time/experience was positive, worthwhile, interesting, informative along with (c) whether I'm interested in returning to the scene of the crime with the same or a similar cast of characters present. Of course, (c) is a combo of intuition/feeling about whether I wanna go back for more and my thoughts vis-a-vis (b).
Okay, then, assuming expectations weren't in order and didn't actually exist, there's still the matter of hoped-for and desired outcomes/experiences versus actual happenings. In other words, how closely did fantasy match reality. In still other words, now that reality contains more data, can I devise possible fantasies based on all available data that make me want more?
Life as a labyrinth and we as lab rats, walking it repeatedly, but not realizing it.
What seems to be happening is this: I want(ed?) something from some-where/one. Not quite sure what. Thus not sure whether I got it, or whether I got some of it, or whether there's more/any to be gotten from that source.
Recent tarot readings, along with listening to any advice I'd ever give to someone else who came to me w/similar issues - which really, I should do, all these means I really should demonstrate and exhibit and suffer through PATIENCE. What's called for: biding my time. Seeds're sown. Must wait for harvest. Still need to water, fertilize, weed, care for...but not 'til it's time will it be ready. Mebbe now that I'm more in tune w/the seasons my ability to wait and see will re-flower. One problem: I've been too eager to wait and see and wait and wait and wait...for naught, that perhaps now I'm less likely to waste too much time and energy so I'm more likely to err on the side of underbaking than burning. So, would I rather chuck raw(ish) dough or hockey pucks? Perhaps best to keep working in the kitchen 'til I get it right...
*****
Shifting gears. My focus has really shifted over the years from "I want so-and-so to like me" to "I would like to receive manifestations of feelings from so-and-so." Before I'd wonder and questions whether thus-and-such were proof of someone caring for/about me. Now I'm content w/what I've decided counts as evidence. Thus my references to wanting manifestations of love rather than focusing on love itself.
I know I'm loved. That's great. No really. It's really really nice. But without it being manifested now and again, without some solid physical SOMETHING (reminders? proof? evidence? words? tasks completed? actions taken? manifestations?), SO FREAKIN' WHAT?! I've heard that "just knowing" should suffice. And maybe it does.
***
Love as a sustainable resource. Springs of love're within us. (Okay, within ME anyway...not all go along w/this imagery for themselves.) I want to tap 'em and share 'em and refuel 'em in the process. Love is in part reinvigoration. And inspiration.
Once more unto the breach, good friends, once more...
Okay, then, assuming expectations weren't in order and didn't actually exist, there's still the matter of hoped-for and desired outcomes/experiences versus actual happenings. In other words, how closely did fantasy match reality. In still other words, now that reality contains more data, can I devise possible fantasies based on all available data that make me want more?
Life as a labyrinth and we as lab rats, walking it repeatedly, but not realizing it.
What seems to be happening is this: I want(ed?) something from some-where/one. Not quite sure what. Thus not sure whether I got it, or whether I got some of it, or whether there's more/any to be gotten from that source.
Recent tarot readings, along with listening to any advice I'd ever give to someone else who came to me w/similar issues - which really, I should do, all these means I really should demonstrate and exhibit and suffer through PATIENCE. What's called for: biding my time. Seeds're sown. Must wait for harvest. Still need to water, fertilize, weed, care for...but not 'til it's time will it be ready. Mebbe now that I'm more in tune w/the seasons my ability to wait and see will re-flower. One problem: I've been too eager to wait and see and wait and wait and wait...for naught, that perhaps now I'm less likely to waste too much time and energy so I'm more likely to err on the side of underbaking than burning. So, would I rather chuck raw(ish) dough or hockey pucks? Perhaps best to keep working in the kitchen 'til I get it right...
*****
Shifting gears. My focus has really shifted over the years from "I want so-and-so to like me" to "I would like to receive manifestations of feelings from so-and-so." Before I'd wonder and questions whether thus-and-such were proof of someone caring for/about me. Now I'm content w/what I've decided counts as evidence. Thus my references to wanting manifestations of love rather than focusing on love itself.
I know I'm loved. That's great. No really. It's really really nice. But without it being manifested now and again, without some solid physical SOMETHING (reminders? proof? evidence? words? tasks completed? actions taken? manifestations?), SO FREAKIN' WHAT?! I've heard that "just knowing" should suffice. And maybe it does.
***
Love as a sustainable resource. Springs of love're within us. (Okay, within ME anyway...not all go along w/this imagery for themselves.) I want to tap 'em and share 'em and refuel 'em in the process. Love is in part reinvigoration. And inspiration.
Once more unto the breach, good friends, once more...
