What I Did This W'end

[mlerules]

So many of you've led full productive enriching lives this w'end. Mine consisted primarily of producing and expelling phlegm, punctuated by breaks for tea 'n' soup 'n' pizza in between much sleeping. Today I went wild and watched some DVDs: Family Guy (a bunch) and Pink Floyd's The Wall. Hadn't seen the latter since way back when...since 1annie1 rented it, along w/The Grateful Dead Movie, a couple of Russ Meyers flicks, and Children of the Corn (if memory serves) for a film-a-thon over SuperBowl Sunday XIX w'end back in 1985 (49ers > Dolphins). Yup. A lot of time has passed since then. Still a damn powerful flick.

Reading lots these days 'bout memory, cognition, wisdom, systems 'n' strategies for dealing w/stress and emotional containment, stuff like this. Also rereading Gladwell's The Tipping Point. Realizing that most of the folks in my primary social circles these daze connect back to delerium3.

Looking at options available in my life these daze. Realizing that certain patterns might not repeat themselves, given limitations of time, energy, attention, geography. Is it healthy and wise, then, for me to continue giving as much of myself as I do, if'n what's available coming back to me ain't nearly so much (quantity/quality)? I've been through this before, yes, it's quite true. Issue: When it becomes an issue (e.g., resentment felt), then it's an issue. Howzabout this as a strategy: don't let it become an issue. Deal w/it beforehand. Ok. Sure. That's easy. (NOT.) Am I being flippant? It's a big part of what's so difficult to engage w/folks on-line or by phone rather than in person. Tone's not always easy to convey or pick up on. (Sorta like prepositions can be difficult not to end sentences with.)

Okay. Feeling a need to ramble on at length or at least reach down below, so don your deep-sea diving apparatus and let's delve down, why don't we... Yes, I seek an audience, but I'd still be journaling for myself even if'n LJ didn't exist. I can be my own audience. I like (need?) to bounce ideas off walls, whether that's getting 'em down onto paper (or at least into words on the screen) or chatting w/folks (although few 'n' far between have attention for this in person or on the phone). Just knowing there's readership, even if'n it's myself later on going back to re-read, helps me hone my thoughts, focus a bit better, crystallize 'em, lets me poop 'em out now so I can poke at the scat later to see what I'd been eating/digesting that led to its particular shape and consistency.

Have decided to enjoy going w/the flow over the next few months. May, June 'n' July promises to be a veritable whirlwind of activity.

How much shall I give? How much investment should I make before backing off? It's my own damned fault for getting short shrift if'n I can do something about it, such as not allowing discrepancies to arise/continue for too long. Any expectations of equivalency...of mutuality...must be express. Insufficient if merely implied. (Yeah, I hope for mutuality of desire along such lines...that'd be ideal...but if'n it ain't forthcoming, then...what...what then? Key issue identified...far from resolved.)

I seek active involvement in creating life, not merely drifting through it. Can one drift into active involvement? Yes, I believe so. If'n one wants to do so, anyway. Or at least doesn't mind. *slaps self* I need to work on my own active involvement first and foremost, not take on...other projects. Thus the slow wait & see approach appears as the best way to go, at least for now.

*cough* *eyes watering* *gah* Wanna be better NOW, dangnabbit!

Comments

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

Looking fwd to your post. :-) Sipping soup 'n' tea in the meantime.