Lovely Associations
Apr. 11th, 2005 10:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mlerulesSo, one friend was regaling me w/her tale of visiting another friend, ending up doing the whole stations of the cross thing, getting turned on in the process by the Roman-wear which made her think of another friend's upcoming gladiator costume and how it'll be incorporated into much fun play.
Meanwhile, musing 'bout emotional underpinnings, 'bout scaffolding, 'bout how if'n done right, when the scaffolding comes down, the structure's strong enough on its own that the support isn't nearly as necessary as 'twas when erected. Which, if'n it's been ripped down by a summons-laden giantess over which you have no control, is a good thing. The structure's in place. No marshmallows within. Strength and depth are there...they've been acheived and can be summoned and delved into again. What remains to be found/seen: motive/drive/incentive/reasons to go on, to dive deeply, to keep on keeping on. Sometimes it's so clear that I've got way too much time on my hands...in my head...flowing all around me. And not nearly enough reason why. Or not nearly enough directions/paths...GUIDES. I want more bright lights, more reflective surfaces, more mirrors...fun-house and other. I am who I am in part through the eyes of others. I like who I am when I'm with some folks over others. It's one of my (in theory anyway) tests for a r-ship: do I like who I am when I'm with X. If not, then time to move on. If so, then it's a sign that something positive's going on. I'm not feeling so hot these daze. I find myself splashing about in lukewarm pools of spittle at an afterschool kid program rather than lounging in and around lovely blazing hot springs surrounded by Nature in all her glory.
On a positive note: I'm learning more and more 'bout what I want, and hopefully what I need. 'Cause the alignment's vital. I do NOT need to bash my head against the wall repeatedly. One of these daze I'll wake up once too many times w/dried blook caking my hair. (Keeping the typo - it pleases me.) Today's in-class assignment (from the mandatory workbook) included this phrase for completion w/either Once or Twice: You only live _________. Not Fair! really felt like teaching the term "thrice" and letting 'em decide for themselves, but thought better of it and refrained. I'm tired of talking & dealing w/young-uns. Want more head-time w/brighter older ones who'll challenge me...in good ways, not in frustratingly annoying ways.
Have known for a few years that my patience has worn thin. Wonder if'n it's an inverse r-ship w/thick skin.
Part of it is that I don't like to fail. I actually like to succeed. Must remind myself that it's gonna happen by baby-steps, by proximate approximations. Well damn it all to heck, this ain't enough. I want huge intuitive leaps with those I deal with...and I want 'em to inspire them in ME. No, not expecting this from the kids. Want and need it from others around me. Talk to me, listen to me. Shades of Tommy: See Me, Feel Me, Touch Me, Heal Me. ... Just stuck it on. For one notoriously bad 'bout song lyrics, I got it right the first time. Slightly Puffed Up.
Have been missing my energy of late. It's back...right now...for a while. Some folks do this for/to me. Want more such folks. Want more time w/such folks. Need to find more who make me feel this way. Want to find more who I charge up. Don't wanna just drag down those 'round me. Drowning's no fun. I'd rather die spectacularly and QUICKLY. And so the soundtrack shifts once more: it's better to burn out than it is to rust...or to fade away.
Want once again to feel the fountain flow within me. It's there. Sometimes it just takes a prime to get the pump working again. A thought: let music in, let it work its magic, let it flow. Much input recently. Am working on processing. Feeling in need of a roadtrip. Luckily I've got one happening before too long. Must just hold out another 5 weeks. Must skate by. No, skating's not quite enough. Must focus and work and get ready to leap through the hoops. They're starting to glow, soon to be lit aflame. I must be ready w/the new outfit and all the accoutrements...including lion-taming materials for the 6-year olds. Interesting. With the music playing I can focus better. I sometimes need loads going on to get loads done. Have perhaps had too little to do recently to really force myself to be efficient...or do anything at all. It's as if I need the stress to get going. Blah blah blah.
"Lately it occurs to me, what a long strange trip it's been." And I'm still on't! That's what's fun when I remember. Feeling stuck now, spinning wheels, not getting anywhere...and oh so slowly. But I'll be free as a bird again, soon 'nuff. And following a dear friend's example (she did it after every set of finals during undergrad - and prolly grad school, too although I wasn't around then): I'll blast The Who's "I'm Free" when it's over and turned in...on or before Friday, May 20, 2005.
Two (2) final thoughts: (1) I'd prefer a r-ship so intense and wonderful that I'd feel absolutely miserable when it ended. Think Harry Nilsson's version of "Can't Live" bad. That's what I want. Yes, I'm a sick l'il puppy. (2) Why isn't there a really good soul/R&B station (olde school) in L.A.? Riddle me this!
Meanwhile, musing 'bout emotional underpinnings, 'bout scaffolding, 'bout how if'n done right, when the scaffolding comes down, the structure's strong enough on its own that the support isn't nearly as necessary as 'twas when erected. Which, if'n it's been ripped down by a summons-laden giantess over which you have no control, is a good thing. The structure's in place. No marshmallows within. Strength and depth are there...they've been acheived and can be summoned and delved into again. What remains to be found/seen: motive/drive/incentive/reasons to go on, to dive deeply, to keep on keeping on. Sometimes it's so clear that I've got way too much time on my hands...in my head...flowing all around me. And not nearly enough reason why. Or not nearly enough directions/paths...GUIDES. I want more bright lights, more reflective surfaces, more mirrors...fun-house and other. I am who I am in part through the eyes of others. I like who I am when I'm with some folks over others. It's one of my (in theory anyway) tests for a r-ship: do I like who I am when I'm with X. If not, then time to move on. If so, then it's a sign that something positive's going on. I'm not feeling so hot these daze. I find myself splashing about in lukewarm pools of spittle at an afterschool kid program rather than lounging in and around lovely blazing hot springs surrounded by Nature in all her glory.
On a positive note: I'm learning more and more 'bout what I want, and hopefully what I need. 'Cause the alignment's vital. I do NOT need to bash my head against the wall repeatedly. One of these daze I'll wake up once too many times w/dried blook caking my hair. (Keeping the typo - it pleases me.) Today's in-class assignment (from the mandatory workbook) included this phrase for completion w/either Once or Twice: You only live _________. Not Fair! really felt like teaching the term "thrice" and letting 'em decide for themselves, but thought better of it and refrained. I'm tired of talking & dealing w/young-uns. Want more head-time w/brighter older ones who'll challenge me...in good ways, not in frustratingly annoying ways.
Have known for a few years that my patience has worn thin. Wonder if'n it's an inverse r-ship w/thick skin.
Part of it is that I don't like to fail. I actually like to succeed. Must remind myself that it's gonna happen by baby-steps, by proximate approximations. Well damn it all to heck, this ain't enough. I want huge intuitive leaps with those I deal with...and I want 'em to inspire them in ME. No, not expecting this from the kids. Want and need it from others around me. Talk to me, listen to me. Shades of Tommy: See Me, Feel Me, Touch Me, Heal Me. ... Just stuck it on. For one notoriously bad 'bout song lyrics, I got it right the first time. Slightly Puffed Up.
Have been missing my energy of late. It's back...right now...for a while. Some folks do this for/to me. Want more such folks. Want more time w/such folks. Need to find more who make me feel this way. Want to find more who I charge up. Don't wanna just drag down those 'round me. Drowning's no fun. I'd rather die spectacularly and QUICKLY. And so the soundtrack shifts once more: it's better to burn out than it is to rust...or to fade away.
Want once again to feel the fountain flow within me. It's there. Sometimes it just takes a prime to get the pump working again. A thought: let music in, let it work its magic, let it flow. Much input recently. Am working on processing. Feeling in need of a roadtrip. Luckily I've got one happening before too long. Must just hold out another 5 weeks. Must skate by. No, skating's not quite enough. Must focus and work and get ready to leap through the hoops. They're starting to glow, soon to be lit aflame. I must be ready w/the new outfit and all the accoutrements...including lion-taming materials for the 6-year olds. Interesting. With the music playing I can focus better. I sometimes need loads going on to get loads done. Have perhaps had too little to do recently to really force myself to be efficient...or do anything at all. It's as if I need the stress to get going. Blah blah blah.
"Lately it occurs to me, what a long strange trip it's been." And I'm still on't! That's what's fun when I remember. Feeling stuck now, spinning wheels, not getting anywhere...and oh so slowly. But I'll be free as a bird again, soon 'nuff. And following a dear friend's example (she did it after every set of finals during undergrad - and prolly grad school, too although I wasn't around then): I'll blast The Who's "I'm Free" when it's over and turned in...on or before Friday, May 20, 2005.
Two (2) final thoughts: (1) I'd prefer a r-ship so intense and wonderful that I'd feel absolutely miserable when it ended. Think Harry Nilsson's version of "Can't Live" bad. That's what I want. Yes, I'm a sick l'il puppy. (2) Why isn't there a really good soul/R&B station (olde school) in L.A.? Riddle me this!
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no subject
Date: 2005-04-12 08:58 am (UTC)Do they not do what you want?
no subject
Date: 2005-04-12 01:21 pm (UTC)