Whew...Frick & Frack
Apr. 3rd, 2005 10:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mlerulesAfter hours of agonizing and work, I've finally got something done to show at o'morrow afternoon's seminar. Also have a pretty good idea of what I'll be teaching during the day o'morrow. Good 'nuff for now.
On the emotional front, I'm fairly numb right now. Sorta feel like making a joke 'bout shock & awe but won't. It's too bad that things and stuff are falling out as they are. Unanticipated explosions suck. Meanwhile, I know how I like to live, the sitch in which I like to find myself, the roles I like filled...and to fill. But the structure alone's not 'nuff. Quality's necessary. Not gonna deal w/this now. On edge. Teetering. This way madness lies. Not sure that madness'd be any worse or much different from life as I know it, live it, practice it. Life's an art. Artists are often insane.
So much of what used to bother me no longer does. What bugs me now? Will mull over and distill't.
Must over the next week or so prepare a resume for teaching gigs. Have discussed specifics w/friends who teach, including one who's been on teacher hiring committees. Basically, I get to subsume most of the past two (2) decades worth of schooling and experience into a single paragraph, then expand on the past three years when I've been in the teacher training program and spent time in the classroom.
Looking back to how I got where I am now: what a long strange trip it's been. Different paths could've brought me here. And I could've arrived here at various times. But here's where I am...unsure of where I'm going. This is fairly standard for me. I tend to live at crossroads, with options open, paths available...avenues of escape handy. Can I commit truly to anything? One of my previous philophies/life mottos was Nothing Lasts Forever. This summarized my life experience to/at a certain point. It's one of the tracks I often return to, one of the imponderables I spend much time pondering. I crave dependability, but do not find it often...so I prize flexibility, as it helps me deal w/undependability, w/the creeping chaos which seems to swirl around me.
I'm not the Puppet Master, even if I am a pot-stirrer. I want to see what'll happen. Well, I'm now seeing what can happen. Damg. Scary. Explosive. Highly charged. Fault? People choose how to react.
I want to spot my patterns...and break 'em if'n they're not productive/good/helpful. Is undependability a pattern? Am I undependable? Don't think so. Moody at times, certainly. But I have had some friends for years and years and years.
Epiphany from a few years back. Slightly embarrased and/or worried 'bout jinxing it by even mentioning it, but here goes anyway: figured out that my job in life was to spread joy, to reach within and find what was lost, misplaced, set aside, and bring it back to the light, remind folks of what's important, of the little things, of the special moments, the smells, sounds, sights, brief moments which make it all worthwhile, which make it possible to keep on chugging along, to keep on swimming, to try to do something, anything, so as to be ready, willing, able, receptive for the next rich life moment, the memory makers, the bits what make it all bearable, even enjoyable. But of late I've found that I've lost - misplaced to be exact - the ability to this myself. I need, want, desire someone to light my way, to help me hold up the torch, to pass it along to now and again for renewal, then pass it back to me. Give & Take's what I want, not just give give give and take take take. Frick & frack. Ack ack ack.
I most sincerely hope that o'morrow's gonna be a new day, not a continuation of this one, which quite frankly has sucked as few have, as much as any has.
On the emotional front, I'm fairly numb right now. Sorta feel like making a joke 'bout shock & awe but won't. It's too bad that things and stuff are falling out as they are. Unanticipated explosions suck. Meanwhile, I know how I like to live, the sitch in which I like to find myself, the roles I like filled...and to fill. But the structure alone's not 'nuff. Quality's necessary. Not gonna deal w/this now. On edge. Teetering. This way madness lies. Not sure that madness'd be any worse or much different from life as I know it, live it, practice it. Life's an art. Artists are often insane.
So much of what used to bother me no longer does. What bugs me now? Will mull over and distill't.
Must over the next week or so prepare a resume for teaching gigs. Have discussed specifics w/friends who teach, including one who's been on teacher hiring committees. Basically, I get to subsume most of the past two (2) decades worth of schooling and experience into a single paragraph, then expand on the past three years when I've been in the teacher training program and spent time in the classroom.
Looking back to how I got where I am now: what a long strange trip it's been. Different paths could've brought me here. And I could've arrived here at various times. But here's where I am...unsure of where I'm going. This is fairly standard for me. I tend to live at crossroads, with options open, paths available...avenues of escape handy. Can I commit truly to anything? One of my previous philophies/life mottos was Nothing Lasts Forever. This summarized my life experience to/at a certain point. It's one of the tracks I often return to, one of the imponderables I spend much time pondering. I crave dependability, but do not find it often...so I prize flexibility, as it helps me deal w/undependability, w/the creeping chaos which seems to swirl around me.
I'm not the Puppet Master, even if I am a pot-stirrer. I want to see what'll happen. Well, I'm now seeing what can happen. Damg. Scary. Explosive. Highly charged. Fault? People choose how to react.
I want to spot my patterns...and break 'em if'n they're not productive/good/helpful. Is undependability a pattern? Am I undependable? Don't think so. Moody at times, certainly. But I have had some friends for years and years and years.
Epiphany from a few years back. Slightly embarrased and/or worried 'bout jinxing it by even mentioning it, but here goes anyway: figured out that my job in life was to spread joy, to reach within and find what was lost, misplaced, set aside, and bring it back to the light, remind folks of what's important, of the little things, of the special moments, the smells, sounds, sights, brief moments which make it all worthwhile, which make it possible to keep on chugging along, to keep on swimming, to try to do something, anything, so as to be ready, willing, able, receptive for the next rich life moment, the memory makers, the bits what make it all bearable, even enjoyable. But of late I've found that I've lost - misplaced to be exact - the ability to this myself. I need, want, desire someone to light my way, to help me hold up the torch, to pass it along to now and again for renewal, then pass it back to me. Give & Take's what I want, not just give give give and take take take. Frick & frack. Ack ack ack.
I most sincerely hope that o'morrow's gonna be a new day, not a continuation of this one, which quite frankly has sucked as few have, as much as any has.
