Connections & Bandwidth
Nov. 12th, 2006 07:04 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mlerulesFuck quantity and breadth: give me DEPTH. Okay, I take it back: breadth rox, too...but depth is IT, what matters, what counts. What counts? When? When they tally up at the end? We'll be coming 'round the mountain when we come (when we come)... Don't wanna push connections...but sometimes I think I do just that. That whole pushing envelopes and stepping over lines thing. Motives ain't bad, but expression/manifestation ain't always perfect. Feeling all iconoclastic and hated for't. But being me...annoying as heck but going along anyway.
***
Sudden shift: sudden interlude of I LOVE MY LIFE-NESS.
I find good conversation so satisfying. Had several good ones last night (1st party). Prison shanks and serial killers and Bell helmets selling for lots in Japan...political environmental stuff...music (chatted w/a guy 'bout seing Bowie in London in 1972)... Okay, yeah, I'll admit it. I'm heading into new Crush-Land. NO. Minor only. Damn. I sorta wanna succumb. I WANT TO BE IN CRUSH. Do I really?! I try SO hard to avoid it, to not get caught up in it...'cause it inevitably leads to disappointment. DAMN - I DO NOT WANNA BE A CYNIC. I've worked too long and hard to avoid it. I will NOT face its inevitability. I will crush it. I will repress it. I will oppress it? I will ignore it...perhaps this's the best option. OOooooh, SO do NOT think so. But I know myself by now...I will obsess...perhaps to excess...or not. Not enough data yet to go on.
In an in-between state/space right now. Interesting position to be in. In which to find oneself? *grammar possibilities stream through my head and I record 'em 'cause that's what LJ's for...minutiae for the terminally bored w/life...or the terminally fascinated by every l'il thing...that's me, that's MLE: life of this and that permutated by highly shiny permanent tidbits*
Getting tired of 90/10, of (nearly) always being the one to initate contact/connection. Been there, done that. Got the t-shirt. Rode the tired pony.
***
Epiphanies abounding right now: fireworks bursting in my head: FIREWORDS...phoenixi...
***
Off to consume more eggnog w/brandy ('tis the Season, gawdamnit to heck) and more Widdershins (Chas deLint rox)! Yes. 14 = 44
***
Sudden shift: sudden interlude of I LOVE MY LIFE-NESS.
I find good conversation so satisfying. Had several good ones last night (1st party). Prison shanks and serial killers and Bell helmets selling for lots in Japan...political environmental stuff...music (chatted w/a guy 'bout seing Bowie in London in 1972)... Okay, yeah, I'll admit it. I'm heading into new Crush-Land. NO. Minor only. Damn. I sorta wanna succumb. I WANT TO BE IN CRUSH. Do I really?! I try SO hard to avoid it, to not get caught up in it...'cause it inevitably leads to disappointment. DAMN - I DO NOT WANNA BE A CYNIC. I've worked too long and hard to avoid it. I will NOT face its inevitability. I will crush it. I will repress it. I will oppress it? I will ignore it...perhaps this's the best option. OOooooh, SO do NOT think so. But I know myself by now...I will obsess...perhaps to excess...or not. Not enough data yet to go on.
In an in-between state/space right now. Interesting position to be in. In which to find oneself? *grammar possibilities stream through my head and I record 'em 'cause that's what LJ's for...minutiae for the terminally bored w/life...or the terminally fascinated by every l'il thing...that's me, that's MLE: life of this and that permutated by highly shiny permanent tidbits*
Getting tired of 90/10, of (nearly) always being the one to initate contact/connection. Been there, done that. Got the t-shirt. Rode the tired pony.
***
Epiphanies abounding right now: fireworks bursting in my head: FIREWORDS...phoenixi...
***
Off to consume more eggnog w/brandy ('tis the Season, gawdamnit to heck) and more Widdershins (Chas deLint rox)! Yes. 14 = 44
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no subject
Date: 2006-11-13 05:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-13 04:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-13 07:31 pm (UTC)With my deepest friends, the stakes are higher, and there's a much smaller menu of things to do together that will be satisfying.
P. was just telling me last night, "I could make do with just 5 really good friends and no one else." I'm less sure. I have equal difficulty with relating to my deep friends as I doo my shallower acquaintances.