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mlerulesand hitting the restart button as well.
True decadence this morning: sleeping in 'til nearly 7am! More than a little bit of alright. Will work to maintain the burst bliss I've acheived...may it mellow into a calm, mildly joyous, happy-to-be-alive state...long may it last. Am tired of the flip-flopping roller coaster of ups & downs. I mean, if'n the highs are gonna be mild, let's have the lows low-grade as well, 'kay...it's only fair. (Don't even mention that life ain't fair - I know that, but amn't accepting it right now.) One option: putting the fun back into disfunctional. Another option: leave aside/behind the disfunctional and move on/back to a less stressful, annoying, frustrating path. Better to walk alone calmly then keep feeling slapped down. Unravel myself from another. Pull my own weight. Don't assume anyone will else to help shoulder the load. Know what though, that's precisely what I'd like, and expect, and can and should expect from someone in the proper position: a shoulder to cry on, to help ease the burden, to share the load, to support me when I'm down, to help lift me back up. That's what friends are for. Hmm, really not so bad as all that sounds. Focussing on a few occasions when I've felt alone and sh@t upon, unwelcome and neglected, uncared for and unappreciated. Many do care - and tell me so. So why worry 'bout it vis-a-vis... oh so tired of blathering on and on must stop now must go on must go it (somewhat) alone 'cause that's the way 'tis for now. Friends do help me w/shoulders. Many. Good ones. Images of my legs propped up on shoulders...must stop interfering w/this rant. Must let go... And move on. And do what I must to keep doing what I must.
Starting off fairly well today. Keeping on track, on target. SMILING IN THE PROCESS. No more slides! I'd prefer the merry-go-round to the roller coaster right now. Although the former's often the route to the latter. Snake & Ladders. Skeeball. Grabbing the copper ring and tossing it through the clown's mouth for a Free Ride. For years I had one such ring from the boardwalk in Santa Cruz. Also had a cheap-@ss bright red plastic figurine I won w/Skeeball tix there. Kept it for yonks as a memory of good times. Thinking I got rid of it. But it may still be downstairs in a box of trinkets from that era (late 70's/early 80's). Trinkets serve as connections, as life lines to the past, as tokens of how I got to where I currently am. But who needs a trinket when I've got ME. They DO trigger memories. But now the memory of the trinkets (which may or may not even exist any more anywhere other than in the web of neurons 'tween my ears) triggers the memories of those lives & times.
I ramble down paths previously chosen, seeing which paths branch off'f them. Would like a few more lighthouses in my life right now: beacons guiding me, shining light on various paths, asking questions which make me seek answers, titillating my mind, triggering my imagination, filling me w/adrenalin (f*k this mellow bliss, this is supposed to be the Year of Ineffable Exstacy and what was it? Irredeemable Bliss...nah, but I LIKE IT!) I want to SOAR again, to fly high. Cue Climb Every Mountain from Sound of Music. Followed the tune 'bout Confidence off the same album.
Here's what I'm gonna do: take a dose of mine own advice and use music to manipulate my mood: I'm gonna Get Higher (emotionally, not dazed & confusedly). Second icon: bouncy yellow face! Have regained what I had misplaced in the process of ranting above: equanimity...and joyousness and the at times elusive WHEE factor. Good to remember before moving on: get into the right frame of mind so I don't stew in mine own juices and marinate my brain in badness. Accentuate the positive...and all that carp. ;-)
True decadence this morning: sleeping in 'til nearly 7am! More than a little bit of alright. Will work to maintain the burst bliss I've acheived...may it mellow into a calm, mildly joyous, happy-to-be-alive state...long may it last. Am tired of the flip-flopping roller coaster of ups & downs. I mean, if'n the highs are gonna be mild, let's have the lows low-grade as well, 'kay...it's only fair. (Don't even mention that life ain't fair - I know that, but amn't accepting it right now.) One option: putting the fun back into disfunctional. Another option: leave aside/behind the disfunctional and move on/back to a less stressful, annoying, frustrating path. Better to walk alone calmly then keep feeling slapped down. Unravel myself from another. Pull my own weight. Don't assume anyone will else to help shoulder the load. Know what though, that's precisely what I'd like, and expect, and can and should expect from someone in the proper position: a shoulder to cry on, to help ease the burden, to share the load, to support me when I'm down, to help lift me back up. That's what friends are for. Hmm, really not so bad as all that sounds. Focussing on a few occasions when I've felt alone and sh@t upon, unwelcome and neglected, uncared for and unappreciated. Many do care - and tell me so. So why worry 'bout it vis-a-vis... oh so tired of blathering on and on must stop now must go on must go it (somewhat) alone 'cause that's the way 'tis for now. Friends do help me w/shoulders. Many. Good ones. Images of my legs propped up on shoulders...must stop interfering w/this rant. Must let go... And move on. And do what I must to keep doing what I must.
Starting off fairly well today. Keeping on track, on target. SMILING IN THE PROCESS. No more slides! I'd prefer the merry-go-round to the roller coaster right now. Although the former's often the route to the latter. Snake & Ladders. Skeeball. Grabbing the copper ring and tossing it through the clown's mouth for a Free Ride. For years I had one such ring from the boardwalk in Santa Cruz. Also had a cheap-@ss bright red plastic figurine I won w/Skeeball tix there. Kept it for yonks as a memory of good times. Thinking I got rid of it. But it may still be downstairs in a box of trinkets from that era (late 70's/early 80's). Trinkets serve as connections, as life lines to the past, as tokens of how I got to where I currently am. But who needs a trinket when I've got ME. They DO trigger memories. But now the memory of the trinkets (which may or may not even exist any more anywhere other than in the web of neurons 'tween my ears) triggers the memories of those lives & times.
I ramble down paths previously chosen, seeing which paths branch off'f them. Would like a few more lighthouses in my life right now: beacons guiding me, shining light on various paths, asking questions which make me seek answers, titillating my mind, triggering my imagination, filling me w/adrenalin (f*k this mellow bliss, this is supposed to be the Year of Ineffable Exstacy and what was it? Irredeemable Bliss...nah, but I LIKE IT!) I want to SOAR again, to fly high. Cue Climb Every Mountain from Sound of Music. Followed the tune 'bout Confidence off the same album.
Here's what I'm gonna do: take a dose of mine own advice and use music to manipulate my mood: I'm gonna Get Higher (emotionally, not dazed & confusedly). Second icon: bouncy yellow face! Have regained what I had misplaced in the process of ranting above: equanimity...and joyousness and the at times elusive WHEE factor. Good to remember before moving on: get into the right frame of mind so I don't stew in mine own juices and marinate my brain in badness. Accentuate the positive...and all that carp. ;-)
