Realizations - Cont'd
Aug. 3rd, 2006 09:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mlerulesSomehow my earlier LJ post quit part way through, which is fine. Here's a mildly modified version. (Finding I'm not sticking to one olde standard rule (Never Delete) - and that's just fine & dandy.) And apparently NOT finding it a problem to return to my olde LJ habits...damn I've needed to brain/gut dump!
I'm currently inspired, which pleases me. Now for a complete turnaround from my earlier comment about prefering chaos to certainty. Or not. Everything just prismed for me, the rainbow's arc filled my head and dazzled me. But I do it to myself. Dunno whether we can do this for others or just point 'em in the right direction and smile as they figure it out for themselves, where "it" isn't something in particular, it's whatever's right for them. (Yes yes keeping in mind basic morality: do no harm tempered with greatest good for greatest number and all's well that ends well but I don't want it to end now so stop crying red heifer and let me get on with my life dang it.) Nope - NO idea where that came from. The wires got crossed and cross-channeling occured.
I want to reread George MacDonald's "The Princess & The Goblin." Soon. For some reason it's become an imperative. Great, just as I'm promising myself to do what I must do I get caught up in momentary madnesses yet again. Mebbe it's who I am and I should run with it. Set my sights, name my goals, work on plans to achieve goals but don't get so caught up in figuring out the means that I lose sight of the ends. Whew - glad I came around full circle to this point again.
This'll come as no surprise to some, but Hwy 5 is soul-sucking. I've avoided it for years, 'cept for once a year usually for T-giving to the Bay Area if'n we're in a hurry to get there, then it's okay, it's alright, it's part of the tradition.
When does ritual give way to tradition? Or is it the other way around? I think my definition of fambily includes tradition to some extent. Not sure how ritual and tradition mesh. Not sure of the importance of "dates." Want to know or at least have some ideas with which to toy.
Rx: Taking all there is as enough. Yet it's okay - laudable even - to determine what IS there, to find limits, to determine boundaries, to ask for - and perhaps have a hand in creating - rules and methods of enforcement. Rules without enforcement hardly count. This plays into the importance of trust in any r-ship. Trust is earned. Trust is not taken lightly. Or given lightly. I sometimes exceed boundaries without meaning to do so. I like having clear ones. How can/does one set emotional boundaries? I sometimes feel as if I can do this, or have done this perhaps without even meaning to...erected walls. Damn - and I'm usually so damn proud of myself precisely for being open and honest...'cept I do admit (often, whether pressed or not) to being unsure myself of what I'm feeling. Of 12 minds is my definition of ambivalence. It doesn't mean or even imply lack of feeling. Instead it's roiling conflicting feelings. Or not. And if'n I'm not sure, then the honest thing to do is communicate my uncertainty. Which I'm doing now. In an admittedly extremely obtuse and obscure manner. ;-)
Again: full-circle time. Attraction. Flame. Burned by brightness. Offers of welding-goggles and/or Eagle Eyes (complete w/stop-watches) to reduce the glare.
Initial inspiration has hit. Initial thoughts & plans modified due to...some sense of what's right/appropriate/not inappropriate. Guess I'm learning...don't always go with my gut but listen to it burble and rumble later on as the full implications of my words & actions rise like cream to the top and I realize I'm mildly lactose intolerant. Emotion Beano = grounding. For some reason I've felt grounded where I was but now need to feel grounded where I am. Makes NO sense to me. Okay, mebbe it does. I've been on a merry-go-round and have gotten off and now feel like I'm still spinning even though I KNOW I'm on firm ground. Oh, maybe the fact that I'm NOT on firm ground's what bugging me, at least in part. Nah, that's part of the fun: the test of fire.
Must stop and read "The Princess & Curdie" now (sequel to P & The Goblin). It's been years, decades probably since I read it...and I ache for it, 'cause it's so gooood. A bit later... Now that I've gotten through half of it, I remember that it ends up on a fairly depressing note. So when I'm done mebbe I'll pull out The Fairy Tales of Oscar Wilde: Immortal Stories of Great Charm and reread "The Happy Prince," another childhood fave, even AS INCREDIBLY SAD as it is. *pause in typing* Okay, just reread "The Happy Prince." It still reduces me to tears, a bittersweet mixture of joy and sorrow, of realizing what matters...and what price sometimes must be paid as a result. I feel good inside.
I'm currently inspired, which pleases me. Now for a complete turnaround from my earlier comment about prefering chaos to certainty. Or not. Everything just prismed for me, the rainbow's arc filled my head and dazzled me. But I do it to myself. Dunno whether we can do this for others or just point 'em in the right direction and smile as they figure it out for themselves, where "it" isn't something in particular, it's whatever's right for them. (Yes yes keeping in mind basic morality: do no harm tempered with greatest good for greatest number and all's well that ends well but I don't want it to end now so stop crying red heifer and let me get on with my life dang it.) Nope - NO idea where that came from. The wires got crossed and cross-channeling occured.
I want to reread George MacDonald's "The Princess & The Goblin." Soon. For some reason it's become an imperative. Great, just as I'm promising myself to do what I must do I get caught up in momentary madnesses yet again. Mebbe it's who I am and I should run with it. Set my sights, name my goals, work on plans to achieve goals but don't get so caught up in figuring out the means that I lose sight of the ends. Whew - glad I came around full circle to this point again.
This'll come as no surprise to some, but Hwy 5 is soul-sucking. I've avoided it for years, 'cept for once a year usually for T-giving to the Bay Area if'n we're in a hurry to get there, then it's okay, it's alright, it's part of the tradition.
When does ritual give way to tradition? Or is it the other way around? I think my definition of fambily includes tradition to some extent. Not sure how ritual and tradition mesh. Not sure of the importance of "dates." Want to know or at least have some ideas with which to toy.
Rx: Taking all there is as enough. Yet it's okay - laudable even - to determine what IS there, to find limits, to determine boundaries, to ask for - and perhaps have a hand in creating - rules and methods of enforcement. Rules without enforcement hardly count. This plays into the importance of trust in any r-ship. Trust is earned. Trust is not taken lightly. Or given lightly. I sometimes exceed boundaries without meaning to do so. I like having clear ones. How can/does one set emotional boundaries? I sometimes feel as if I can do this, or have done this perhaps without even meaning to...erected walls. Damn - and I'm usually so damn proud of myself precisely for being open and honest...'cept I do admit (often, whether pressed or not) to being unsure myself of what I'm feeling. Of 12 minds is my definition of ambivalence. It doesn't mean or even imply lack of feeling. Instead it's roiling conflicting feelings. Or not. And if'n I'm not sure, then the honest thing to do is communicate my uncertainty. Which I'm doing now. In an admittedly extremely obtuse and obscure manner. ;-)
Again: full-circle time. Attraction. Flame. Burned by brightness. Offers of welding-goggles and/or Eagle Eyes (complete w/stop-watches) to reduce the glare.
Initial inspiration has hit. Initial thoughts & plans modified due to...some sense of what's right/appropriate/not inappropriate. Guess I'm learning...don't always go with my gut but listen to it burble and rumble later on as the full implications of my words & actions rise like cream to the top and I realize I'm mildly lactose intolerant. Emotion Beano = grounding. For some reason I've felt grounded where I was but now need to feel grounded where I am. Makes NO sense to me. Okay, mebbe it does. I've been on a merry-go-round and have gotten off and now feel like I'm still spinning even though I KNOW I'm on firm ground. Oh, maybe the fact that I'm NOT on firm ground's what bugging me, at least in part. Nah, that's part of the fun: the test of fire.
Must stop and read "The Princess & Curdie" now (sequel to P & The Goblin). It's been years, decades probably since I read it...and I ache for it, 'cause it's so gooood. A bit later... Now that I've gotten through half of it, I remember that it ends up on a fairly depressing note. So when I'm done mebbe I'll pull out The Fairy Tales of Oscar Wilde: Immortal Stories of Great Charm and reread "The Happy Prince," another childhood fave, even AS INCREDIBLY SAD as it is. *pause in typing* Okay, just reread "The Happy Prince." It still reduces me to tears, a bittersweet mixture of joy and sorrow, of realizing what matters...and what price sometimes must be paid as a result. I feel good inside.
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no subject
Date: 2006-08-04 05:19 am (UTC)The evil-ness is apparently spot-on as always:
How can/does one set emotional boundaries? I sometimes feel as if I can do this, or have done this perhaps without even meaning to...erected walls. Damn - and I'm usually so damn proud of myself precisely for being open and honest...
Apparently you and I share this mechanism, 'cuz I somtimes wake to the realization that I'm suddenly the queen of shletered halls...simply because nobody can get through the walls I've built, all- or at least half-uknowing, certainly consciously unintentional (but often, upon reflection, found to be unconsciously intended). Just one of the byproducts when we seek to protect ourselves or others.
no subject
Date: 2006-08-04 05:36 am (UTC)Oh, I certainly spend enough time on 'em (virtual and fairly often actual, too - I find 'em massively soothing) and roller coasters too (emotional as well as actual).
Re: erecting walls and sheltered halls: I claim folks can enter if'n they dare to and care to, all they need do it ask. I still say this is so. I guess though it matters some whether there are windows folks can see into to know whether there's more inside. Hell - there IS more inside as anybody who pays attention'll figure out...what matters is whether they care enough to bother finding out...whether the roller coaster ride alternating w/merry-go-round spinning's worth it. Said with glee and some sadness.
Wondering about filters and keys and how we determine who gets in and for how long and how deep and how this shifts. I like to think I try to keep things (myself, my soul) open, but wonder whether I don't really have some (emotional) password protection installed...just in case.
no subject
Date: 2006-08-05 01:56 am (UTC)