In A Cave, Licking My Wounds
Mar. 11th, 2005 06:25 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mlerulesStarted off just fine this morning:
Very much liking the idea and image of competitive incense blending...not to do myself, but the fact that it existed, and perhaps still does. Also like that the olfactory appreciation of burning incense is called HEARING the incense.
This fleeting feeling of pleasure then degenerated into a long-winded rant & ramble: Spending far too much time feeling frustrated lately. Not my preferred state/mode/mood. Focusing on scent helps pull me out of the haze of frustration. Perhaps I need to make a compilation to burn (fka make a tape) to refocus my mind/mood/self: something to aspire to, something to hope for, something to help me hit RESET when I find myself in major discouragement mode. At the same time, I mustn't just ignore what's going on (or what's NOT going on that I'd like to see/feel happening). Must figure out how to deal w/the roots of discouragement, w/the causes of frustration, w/the circumstances that're dragging me down, suffocating me, annoying me like sand in my bed: not huge, but cumulatively unacceptable. Must set goals, figure out how to move towards 'em, then DO IT. (Leaving the house soon would certainly help...not sure yet whether it's gonna happen.)
Current projects aren't going so well. Perhaps time to dump 'em and move on, either find a replacement or replace w/whatever comes up as time progresses and I move along, swimmingly hopefully more merrily and less draggingly. But if'n it's something I've put a lot of time, energy, and money (not to mention lip-service) into, then I SHOULD NOT BAIL. ARGH - I know this to be true...yet amn't sure I can jump-start myself to keep going, to just keep swimming, to get up off my butt and get out and DO IT.
Usually I wake up feeling refreshed and reset. Taking more work than mere sleep right now. But it's worth the effort, 'cause when I'm draggin', it's not fun.
Feeling in part that I'm not making a difference...or am compounding difficulties, which ain't my intention. Wanting to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head...find a cave and hole up 'til Spring (which isn't too far away)...pout and be moody 'til my clown comes to amuse me or my prince comes to awaken me with a kiss...wake up and find myself on a desert island w/shelter, food, water, fire, and plenty of good books to read and paper to write on. Just realized that this last image comes straight outta the start of Larry Durrell's "Justine." WIsh I could find my fave quote from the novel, something 'bout a man who, rather than being buffeted by the waves of fate and circumstances, fights to make his way, to impact the world and choose what to do - or at least try - rather than merely be acted upon. I would like to ACT, to CHOOSE, to CREATE my world/life rather than just be subject to its whims. And at times I can and do. It's a battle, or at least a struggle. Sometimes I like to crawl into a cave to lick my wounds, to rest, to heal, to forget, to remember, to find the courage to get out and keep trying. Most others can do this, DO do this, every day in every way - get up, get out, work, move, live.
Wanting to push a button and stop time for all but me, so I have a chance to recover, relax, deal w/stuff, get through stuff, work through stuff...or become invisible w/all memory of me wiped out 'til I rearrange it as I like. Yes. I want a Do Over. And what's sad 'bout this is that THIS RIGHT NOW IS MY DO-OVER. Last semester ended on October 20th, right 'round the time I met someone new, who I expected good things from/with, and entered a period of few responsibilities with loads of free time. Now I'm having a hard time (duh!) getting back into the swing of things.
Guilt - feeling as if I SHOULD do something - ain't the motivator it once was for me. If I f*k up my life, it's my choice, my responsibility, and nobody gets hurt but me. Perhaps I should pay more attention to keeping self-destructive tendencies under control, to making wise choices where nobody gets hurt, not even me - not physically, not emotionally, not spiritually - whatever the heck this means to me today, not life-ways and not life-wise.
Wow. Realization that I'm in full moodiness mode. Only if this were the case, shouldn't I feel some damg sweet upness to balance the downness? Moody means shifting 'tween up and down, usually fairly quickly. Well, it is nearly daily, so maybe it does count, maybe I am in a moody mood. The w'end was UP, Monday up as well, Tu up too, then Wed not so much and Th really pretty poopy. Now it's Friday. And rather than TGIF, I'm feeling like not leaving the house 'til it's dark out again (like 'twas when I got up). This has become the Friday default pattern. Really really hoping for some UPness really really soon. Actually, it's in sight. My w'end plans will help catapult me into a good mood/mode, at least for a time, for a space, for the duration...and hopefully lasting longer, carrying over beyond activities/events into general feeling, into the lasting ongoing mode/mood.
Oooh, just noticed that when I started typing this entry I was feeling pretty UP (all that incense mixing appreciation carp)...guess this IS prime moodiness then, w/quick dramatic swings and shifts. Well, what've I gotta do to hit the UP switch?! That's part of what I was going on 'bout above: I wanna be more in control of how I feel, to choose my mood and attitude. And this is prolly super important: choose the attitude that makes the positive more obvious and what I focus on and let the poopy stuff go, sliding off like water down a duck's butt...whilst also though dealing w/the circumstances making the damn duck get so danged wet all the time (in other words, move out from under the thunderhead and stop the rain dance!)
When I think 'bout it, I recognize this pattern. It's happened before. I've been there, done that, including the Do Overs. College. Marriage. Others - but those are the biggies that precipitated HUGE life changes (switching colleges, divorce, etc.)
Which returms me (amongst other places) to the on-going habit versus rut issue. Blah blah blah.
Feeling better after venting/ranting/raging. Epiphanies follow:
If what does not kill you makes you stronger, then I better be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound real soon!
I WANT TO SPEND MY TIME WITH AND ENERGY ON THOSE WHO MAKE ME FEEL UP, NOT DOWN. This is the crux of the matter.
Very much liking the idea and image of competitive incense blending...not to do myself, but the fact that it existed, and perhaps still does. Also like that the olfactory appreciation of burning incense is called HEARING the incense.
This fleeting feeling of pleasure then degenerated into a long-winded rant & ramble: Spending far too much time feeling frustrated lately. Not my preferred state/mode/mood. Focusing on scent helps pull me out of the haze of frustration. Perhaps I need to make a compilation to burn (fka make a tape) to refocus my mind/mood/self: something to aspire to, something to hope for, something to help me hit RESET when I find myself in major discouragement mode. At the same time, I mustn't just ignore what's going on (or what's NOT going on that I'd like to see/feel happening). Must figure out how to deal w/the roots of discouragement, w/the causes of frustration, w/the circumstances that're dragging me down, suffocating me, annoying me like sand in my bed: not huge, but cumulatively unacceptable. Must set goals, figure out how to move towards 'em, then DO IT. (Leaving the house soon would certainly help...not sure yet whether it's gonna happen.)
Current projects aren't going so well. Perhaps time to dump 'em and move on, either find a replacement or replace w/whatever comes up as time progresses and I move along, swimmingly hopefully more merrily and less draggingly. But if'n it's something I've put a lot of time, energy, and money (not to mention lip-service) into, then I SHOULD NOT BAIL. ARGH - I know this to be true...yet amn't sure I can jump-start myself to keep going, to just keep swimming, to get up off my butt and get out and DO IT.
Usually I wake up feeling refreshed and reset. Taking more work than mere sleep right now. But it's worth the effort, 'cause when I'm draggin', it's not fun.
Feeling in part that I'm not making a difference...or am compounding difficulties, which ain't my intention. Wanting to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head...find a cave and hole up 'til Spring (which isn't too far away)...pout and be moody 'til my clown comes to amuse me or my prince comes to awaken me with a kiss...wake up and find myself on a desert island w/shelter, food, water, fire, and plenty of good books to read and paper to write on. Just realized that this last image comes straight outta the start of Larry Durrell's "Justine." WIsh I could find my fave quote from the novel, something 'bout a man who, rather than being buffeted by the waves of fate and circumstances, fights to make his way, to impact the world and choose what to do - or at least try - rather than merely be acted upon. I would like to ACT, to CHOOSE, to CREATE my world/life rather than just be subject to its whims. And at times I can and do. It's a battle, or at least a struggle. Sometimes I like to crawl into a cave to lick my wounds, to rest, to heal, to forget, to remember, to find the courage to get out and keep trying. Most others can do this, DO do this, every day in every way - get up, get out, work, move, live.
Wanting to push a button and stop time for all but me, so I have a chance to recover, relax, deal w/stuff, get through stuff, work through stuff...or become invisible w/all memory of me wiped out 'til I rearrange it as I like. Yes. I want a Do Over. And what's sad 'bout this is that THIS RIGHT NOW IS MY DO-OVER. Last semester ended on October 20th, right 'round the time I met someone new, who I expected good things from/with, and entered a period of few responsibilities with loads of free time. Now I'm having a hard time (duh!) getting back into the swing of things.
Guilt - feeling as if I SHOULD do something - ain't the motivator it once was for me. If I f*k up my life, it's my choice, my responsibility, and nobody gets hurt but me. Perhaps I should pay more attention to keeping self-destructive tendencies under control, to making wise choices where nobody gets hurt, not even me - not physically, not emotionally, not spiritually - whatever the heck this means to me today, not life-ways and not life-wise.
Wow. Realization that I'm in full moodiness mode. Only if this were the case, shouldn't I feel some damg sweet upness to balance the downness? Moody means shifting 'tween up and down, usually fairly quickly. Well, it is nearly daily, so maybe it does count, maybe I am in a moody mood. The w'end was UP, Monday up as well, Tu up too, then Wed not so much and Th really pretty poopy. Now it's Friday. And rather than TGIF, I'm feeling like not leaving the house 'til it's dark out again (like 'twas when I got up). This has become the Friday default pattern. Really really hoping for some UPness really really soon. Actually, it's in sight. My w'end plans will help catapult me into a good mood/mode, at least for a time, for a space, for the duration...and hopefully lasting longer, carrying over beyond activities/events into general feeling, into the lasting ongoing mode/mood.
Oooh, just noticed that when I started typing this entry I was feeling pretty UP (all that incense mixing appreciation carp)...guess this IS prime moodiness then, w/quick dramatic swings and shifts. Well, what've I gotta do to hit the UP switch?! That's part of what I was going on 'bout above: I wanna be more in control of how I feel, to choose my mood and attitude. And this is prolly super important: choose the attitude that makes the positive more obvious and what I focus on and let the poopy stuff go, sliding off like water down a duck's butt...whilst also though dealing w/the circumstances making the damn duck get so danged wet all the time (in other words, move out from under the thunderhead and stop the rain dance!)
When I think 'bout it, I recognize this pattern. It's happened before. I've been there, done that, including the Do Overs. College. Marriage. Others - but those are the biggies that precipitated HUGE life changes (switching colleges, divorce, etc.)
Which returms me (amongst other places) to the on-going habit versus rut issue. Blah blah blah.
Feeling better after venting/ranting/raging. Epiphanies follow:
If what does not kill you makes you stronger, then I better be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound real soon!
I WANT TO SPEND MY TIME WITH AND ENERGY ON THOSE WHO MAKE ME FEEL UP, NOT DOWN. This is the crux of the matter.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-03-11 03:32 pm (UTC)This perfectly articulates something I've been trying to explain. Thank you.
no subject
Date: 2005-03-11 03:35 pm (UTC)