Trial By Fire
Feb. 14th, 2005 03:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mlerulesaka Sink Or Swim. Must find confidence, must build it, must maintain it. This be one of the most difficult things to do. Needed: focus, direction, motivation...encouragement plays a role.
I've tried the Imagine It as a preliminary step in Acheiving It, but I just can't imagine it...or perhaps I can. Sometimes I get fleeting glimpses of what's possible, of what could be. It may not look just like that, and may rarely look the same from one year/minute/week/era to the next. But isn't this part of what's fun?
Good talk w/a friend earlier today. Realizing we get on well b'c together we balance each other. Order & Chaos. (I represent the latter, he the former.)
And yes, I AM Chaotic Good, in case anyone wondered.
I'm getting the absolute thrill, the rush, the excitement, the adrenalin blast (that I KNOW will spike than send me crashing down hard as can be). Dang, what I'd really really like to be able to do is come up w/good metaphors/similies/descriptive phrases at the drop of a hat. I read authors who do this and have some friends who're quicksilver fast, but need more practice myself. Guess I better get on't!
Balancing the thrill is a teensy bit of nauseau and fear. Not terror - it's not completely unknown. Not sure what I'm afraid of, 'xactly. It almost feels like the fear of the unknown, which is odd as I proclaim to ENJOY the free-form, the chaotic, the by-its-very-nature unknowable. Maybe I just need to get more of a handle on't, so I have as much control as possible over the sitch, the circs, the classroom, my life. How much of a challenge do I need in my life? What sort(s) of challenge do I want to and can I deal with now...over the next 90 daze. Hmm, 90 days (3 months) does seem like a good amount of time to give it. That puts us at May 1st. Perhaps will be too crazed right then to consider it. But perhaps it's better to set arbitrary "sit down and consider matters" dates rather than risk putting things off 'til everything's in a good place to think/talk 'bout things, 'cause that ain't gonna happen. Not sure how often to address "things." Heck, I'm fairly constantly thinking things through...perhaps need to stretch out the thought-processes...adjust to a new time-line. Ack. It WILL happen. But I'm gonna be setting it, so I best consider what rhythyms others near me are on so I can adjust expectations and/or express needs/desires. For me, thinking/writing/typing this through helps tremendously. Interesting. Mind a-whirring. Good stuff.
Taken back to an argument (defense?) I made to a friend justifying the sitch I'm in r-ship-wise: I like to learn constantly...and this is constantly shifting, changing, unstable, unknown...that learning's continual. That being said, however, it only works if'n I DO learn. If I can't figure it out, if I can't fashion a sane sufficiently stable satisfactory (nay, far better than merely "fine") life, then I must move on. Must figure out what's broke and either fix it, accept it as it is (if the positives outweigh the negatives), or leave it be. This is SO hard!
I've tried the Imagine It as a preliminary step in Acheiving It, but I just can't imagine it...or perhaps I can. Sometimes I get fleeting glimpses of what's possible, of what could be. It may not look just like that, and may rarely look the same from one year/minute/week/era to the next. But isn't this part of what's fun?
Good talk w/a friend earlier today. Realizing we get on well b'c together we balance each other. Order & Chaos. (I represent the latter, he the former.)
And yes, I AM Chaotic Good, in case anyone wondered.
I'm getting the absolute thrill, the rush, the excitement, the adrenalin blast (that I KNOW will spike than send me crashing down hard as can be). Dang, what I'd really really like to be able to do is come up w/good metaphors/similies/descriptive phrases at the drop of a hat. I read authors who do this and have some friends who're quicksilver fast, but need more practice myself. Guess I better get on't!
Balancing the thrill is a teensy bit of nauseau and fear. Not terror - it's not completely unknown. Not sure what I'm afraid of, 'xactly. It almost feels like the fear of the unknown, which is odd as I proclaim to ENJOY the free-form, the chaotic, the by-its-very-nature unknowable. Maybe I just need to get more of a handle on't, so I have as much control as possible over the sitch, the circs, the classroom, my life. How much of a challenge do I need in my life? What sort(s) of challenge do I want to and can I deal with now...over the next 90 daze. Hmm, 90 days (3 months) does seem like a good amount of time to give it. That puts us at May 1st. Perhaps will be too crazed right then to consider it. But perhaps it's better to set arbitrary "sit down and consider matters" dates rather than risk putting things off 'til everything's in a good place to think/talk 'bout things, 'cause that ain't gonna happen. Not sure how often to address "things." Heck, I'm fairly constantly thinking things through...perhaps need to stretch out the thought-processes...adjust to a new time-line. Ack. It WILL happen. But I'm gonna be setting it, so I best consider what rhythyms others near me are on so I can adjust expectations and/or express needs/desires. For me, thinking/writing/typing this through helps tremendously. Interesting. Mind a-whirring. Good stuff.
Taken back to an argument (defense?) I made to a friend justifying the sitch I'm in r-ship-wise: I like to learn constantly...and this is constantly shifting, changing, unstable, unknown...that learning's continual. That being said, however, it only works if'n I DO learn. If I can't figure it out, if I can't fashion a sane sufficiently stable satisfactory (nay, far better than merely "fine") life, then I must move on. Must figure out what's broke and either fix it, accept it as it is (if the positives outweigh the negatives), or leave it be. This is SO hard!
