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mlerulesLast night's exhileration over having so much to do/accomplish turned into overwhelmingness, paralysis, fear as exhaustion wore on and I couldn't sleep, then hit hard and badly again in the wee hours when I woke up again. Slept in a tad (only been up for a few minutes now) and it's now grey and raining: and I'm feeling better (thank Gawd). Not liking these mood shifts/swings, feelings of anxiety, helplessness, overwhelmingness, inability to function (even if mainly b'c it's late and I'm too tired and I can't do any of the things on the To Do list right NOW, meaning then, even though I KNOW that I don't have to do anything more right at that time, that sleep's all that's req'd...then worry kicks in and I can't sleep). And then I watch it spiral, I see it happen, I can even predict the paths it'll take/follow: I can't do this, I won't do this, I'm lame, I'm bad, I'm incompetent...only a very short step to the I'm worthless, I have no value, etc. set of stupid things. Once again: I KNOW this ain't so, and even as I start to feel this way I KNOW it's not so...so now, even as I go down this well-trodden path, I realize at some level that it'll feel/seem better the next day. And now that it IS this next day and I DO feel better, I know that it'll be even easier to get through the next time. Mebbe these stupid pathways'll be obliterated and replaced by...what 'xactly? The ability to get to SLEEP when needed.
Today I wanna do what I can do from my list of what I've gotta do, shifting priorities as need be so that what's GOTTA happen happens and what'd be nice to get done gets at least somewhat accomplished. If I set unrealistic goals and don't meet 'em all, am I lamer for being unrealistic or "bad" for not doing 'em all? How much "should" I get done in a certain period of time? Part of what triggered this is (besides exhaustion) the stupid printer thingie. Now I've gotta spend time either dealing with it - and my resources are limited - or writing out everything I typed up in long-hand, which is a waste of time. Yeah, I'll blather on 'bout my preferences for not quite so much law & order, but I do appreciate a certain level of efficiency in certain things, such as those things which take up unnecessary and limited time in the errand-prep dept, such as making To Do lists. I've made 'em, now I wanna cross sh!t off of 'em!
The sorta chaos I prefer is when in the midst of doing what's on the list and I stumble upon something neato which takes me outta the moment and refreshes me and/or gives me something more/else to think about and/or do another time, such as a nice stand of roses I stop to sniff, a book title which looks interesting to add to the on-going ever-expanding list of stuff to read (even as I finish up others), a call out of the blue from a friend who wants to get together another time and/or chat for a bit, a few minutes spent cuddling w/a particularly needy kitty in bed in between tidying the computer hutch and doing the dishes. The good stuff 'bout chaos: flexibility, freedom, decreased opportunities for boredom, surprises. Now that this printer wrench has been thrown into the works, guess I better be better able to roll w/the punches and do what needs to be done so I can get done what must and should and I'd like to get done. So I should get off the dang-blamed computer, take a shower, forage for some food, and figure out what's what and what's first and DO IT!
Today I wanna do what I can do from my list of what I've gotta do, shifting priorities as need be so that what's GOTTA happen happens and what'd be nice to get done gets at least somewhat accomplished. If I set unrealistic goals and don't meet 'em all, am I lamer for being unrealistic or "bad" for not doing 'em all? How much "should" I get done in a certain period of time? Part of what triggered this is (besides exhaustion) the stupid printer thingie. Now I've gotta spend time either dealing with it - and my resources are limited - or writing out everything I typed up in long-hand, which is a waste of time. Yeah, I'll blather on 'bout my preferences for not quite so much law & order, but I do appreciate a certain level of efficiency in certain things, such as those things which take up unnecessary and limited time in the errand-prep dept, such as making To Do lists. I've made 'em, now I wanna cross sh!t off of 'em!
The sorta chaos I prefer is when in the midst of doing what's on the list and I stumble upon something neato which takes me outta the moment and refreshes me and/or gives me something more/else to think about and/or do another time, such as a nice stand of roses I stop to sniff, a book title which looks interesting to add to the on-going ever-expanding list of stuff to read (even as I finish up others), a call out of the blue from a friend who wants to get together another time and/or chat for a bit, a few minutes spent cuddling w/a particularly needy kitty in bed in between tidying the computer hutch and doing the dishes. The good stuff 'bout chaos: flexibility, freedom, decreased opportunities for boredom, surprises. Now that this printer wrench has been thrown into the works, guess I better be better able to roll w/the punches and do what needs to be done so I can get done what must and should and I'd like to get done. So I should get off the dang-blamed computer, take a shower, forage for some food, and figure out what's what and what's first and DO IT!
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Date: 2005-10-18 05:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-18 05:19 pm (UTC)