Sigh: A Stupid Rant
Sep. 21st, 2005 04:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mlerulesI hate acting like a stupid-head. It's bad enough if I do it inside my head, worse if it's in front of (or to) another person, worse yet if it's in a (or to) a crowd. Yes. I'm back in high school. I know this. I realize this. I see precisely what triggered this feeling/these feelings and even as I experience them I'm shouting to myself "don't be such a fool - you know better!"
So, that being said, how exactly am I supposed to go about STOPPING this? I must care less about certain actions - which I've decided mean certain things - yes, I'm deciding what someone else's motivations are on my own as if I'm Gawd Himself...'cept even I realize I can't change those motivations. I decide that action X (which means Y as well) means Z when what I want is Not-Z. Well, X and Z ain't necessarily related. I cannot logically derive Z from X...although emotionally I seem to have no trouble taking and making huge leaps in judgment. I'm not really sure why Z's so important to me. Ah, hell, it all boils down to how I view myself...and want others to view me. I want to be special. Not in a pitiful sort of way, but in a hey, cool, yeah sorta way. Unfortunately, the act of wanting this makes it pitiful.
Acceptance. Is is possible to accept w/out knowing what it is? Can I just say "I accept myself" w/out knowing what 'tis I'm accepting? I think the secret's in not worrying so much, in not wanting so much, in not being quite so concerned. In letting go more. In more truly opening up...rather than wanting to pull back and pull the covers over my head and coccoon at the first signs of...WHAT...that I ain't so special after all, that I'm one of many...that I'm merely mortal, not supernatural, not above & beyond, unable to leap buildings w/a single bound. I need to find a way of holding out my hand (offering) w/out holding out my hand (expecting it to be taken or filled). I must GROW UP and be an adult, not a child. I still wander, wonder & dream. I'll always explore, ponder, stop & smell the flowers. But I needn't worry so damn much that others think I'm the Top Cat. The grass needn't grow bushiest outta my butt.
In the immortal words of Popeye the Sailor Man: I yam what I yam and that's all I yam.
So, that being said, how exactly am I supposed to go about STOPPING this? I must care less about certain actions - which I've decided mean certain things - yes, I'm deciding what someone else's motivations are on my own as if I'm Gawd Himself...'cept even I realize I can't change those motivations. I decide that action X (which means Y as well) means Z when what I want is Not-Z. Well, X and Z ain't necessarily related. I cannot logically derive Z from X...although emotionally I seem to have no trouble taking and making huge leaps in judgment. I'm not really sure why Z's so important to me. Ah, hell, it all boils down to how I view myself...and want others to view me. I want to be special. Not in a pitiful sort of way, but in a hey, cool, yeah sorta way. Unfortunately, the act of wanting this makes it pitiful.
Acceptance. Is is possible to accept w/out knowing what it is? Can I just say "I accept myself" w/out knowing what 'tis I'm accepting? I think the secret's in not worrying so much, in not wanting so much, in not being quite so concerned. In letting go more. In more truly opening up...rather than wanting to pull back and pull the covers over my head and coccoon at the first signs of...WHAT...that I ain't so special after all, that I'm one of many...that I'm merely mortal, not supernatural, not above & beyond, unable to leap buildings w/a single bound. I need to find a way of holding out my hand (offering) w/out holding out my hand (expecting it to be taken or filled). I must GROW UP and be an adult, not a child. I still wander, wonder & dream. I'll always explore, ponder, stop & smell the flowers. But I needn't worry so damn much that others think I'm the Top Cat. The grass needn't grow bushiest outta my butt.
In the immortal words of Popeye the Sailor Man: I yam what I yam and that's all I yam.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-09-21 11:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-22 12:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-22 03:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-22 02:04 am (UTC)Wanting these things makes you human, not pitiful. Although some will argue that humans are pitiful.
I hope you always wander, wonder and dream.
So there. Neener neener.
no subject
Date: 2005-09-22 07:35 am (UTC)Oh, yeah, this ain't changing!
no subject
Date: 2005-09-22 03:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-22 07:34 am (UTC)