"Processing" Grief
Oct. 13th, 2026 01:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mlerulesFolks talk/write lots about "processing" grief, but I don't think I understand the concept. I'm experiencing the grief, not "processing" it. It's here; it ebbs and flows. Sometimes it's all-consuming and heart-wrenching. Sometimes I forget it for a spell. It lurks in the background until a memory or a sight or a song or a scent or whatEVER brings it again to the fore. Kleenex is my friend.
Grief's a part of - but not interfering with - my daily life, although what that looks like remains a work in progress. I'm still working on returning to a life that's not dictated by pain management, poop management, Rx galore, doctor/hospice/nurse/CNA/social worker appointments, &c. Getting outta Hypervigilant Mode hasn't been easy, but I've begun getting a bit more sleep at night.
I aim to get something practical and needful done every day, be it doing laundry, picking up his Cremains, telling Safeway to stop texting about his Rx refills - the answer is and will hereafter be NO, removing Rx labels and filling bags of Rx to take eventually to the pharmacy drop-off box (and some - chemo Rx - to hazardous waste), cleaning off the dining room table (reclaiming space bit by bit), reorganizing the living room, smudging & resmudging the spot where his death bed took up space for longer than strictly necessary - now an empty space I walks through daily, blahblahblah.
I also make a point to get out and about every day, both into Nature (even if just the backyard), and also around people. I try to walk somewhere every day. Sometimes I visit a fave coffeehouse. Other times I hang out with friends. I also listen to music lots at home and in the car. So many songs we loved and shared together. And still finding new ones to enjoy. Music - live and recorded - is something we enjoyed together, and has always mattered to me, and will continue to do so.
He made a point of telling me how important it is - and how much he wanted - for me to live a full, rich life once he was gone. I plan to honor his wishes and do just that. Gone but not forgotten. That is the truth. He'll live on in my memories, and in those of so many he impacted.
I'm not sure what there is to "process." I'll just keep on living, even as it sucks that he's not here in person. I still talk to him, telling him what I've seen and thought that day. His art and photos and photos of him fill my home. He fills my heart. I'm glad we had as much time together as we had (13 years yesterday - over 20% of my life so far, although that % will dwindle, which fact makes my heart ache a bit).
Grief's a part of - but not interfering with - my daily life, although what that looks like remains a work in progress. I'm still working on returning to a life that's not dictated by pain management, poop management, Rx galore, doctor/hospice/nurse/CNA/social worker appointments, &c. Getting outta Hypervigilant Mode hasn't been easy, but I've begun getting a bit more sleep at night.
I aim to get something practical and needful done every day, be it doing laundry, picking up his Cremains, telling Safeway to stop texting about his Rx refills - the answer is and will hereafter be NO, removing Rx labels and filling bags of Rx to take eventually to the pharmacy drop-off box (and some - chemo Rx - to hazardous waste), cleaning off the dining room table (reclaiming space bit by bit), reorganizing the living room, smudging & resmudging the spot where his death bed took up space for longer than strictly necessary - now an empty space I walks through daily, blahblahblah.
I also make a point to get out and about every day, both into Nature (even if just the backyard), and also around people. I try to walk somewhere every day. Sometimes I visit a fave coffeehouse. Other times I hang out with friends. I also listen to music lots at home and in the car. So many songs we loved and shared together. And still finding new ones to enjoy. Music - live and recorded - is something we enjoyed together, and has always mattered to me, and will continue to do so.
He made a point of telling me how important it is - and how much he wanted - for me to live a full, rich life once he was gone. I plan to honor his wishes and do just that. Gone but not forgotten. That is the truth. He'll live on in my memories, and in those of so many he impacted.
I'm not sure what there is to "process." I'll just keep on living, even as it sucks that he's not here in person. I still talk to him, telling him what I've seen and thought that day. His art and photos and photos of him fill my home. He fills my heart. I'm glad we had as much time together as we had (13 years yesterday - over 20% of my life so far, although that % will dwindle, which fact makes my heart ache a bit).
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