Yearning to Churn
Mar. 9th, 2012 12:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mlerulesFacing hard truths about oneself f*rking sucks. It's so bloody hard. Fock the Stiff Upper Lip. Trembling's right out though, too. Yes, it's Cryptoid Time once again. Admitting to myself that one of my bugaboos has returned ain't easy. Well, actually, the admission's relatively easy, once my eyes've seen and my head's pondered 'n' agreed/validated my thoughts and my heart's signed off as a second opinion. Yes. Resolution's required. Yet I really seem (and damn I hope it's so) to have reached resolution myself, regardless of...of what's on tap to happen next vis-a-vis that stuff. Not gonna honor it w/caps.
This Land Is My Land. Am I really A One Trick Pony? (No, I think not ;-)
I've been in St George's chains, had 'em wrapped around my wrists and my neck. Old Town Cairo. Hot. In the low 80s even though 'twas early Dec. Folks around town wearing sweaters while we sweltered in t-shirts 'n' long pants. *adding scanning those pics to the To Do list*
I live a somewhat sheltered, monastic life. I find myself hermit'ing more and more. Was gonna say this isn't like me, 'cept it IS me...and so I wander back into the memory vaults, pulling out the trays of nostalgia and rooting down deep for initial causes - or at least for patterns which may make sense, even if'n it doesn't make me feel better. At least not initially, but then the search commences for how to burn it away yet again.
Heh. It's an odd and somewhat annoying thought that Fears & Worries & Concerns survive the Phoenixing. Mebbe tossing Pandora's Box onto the fire of sweet-smelling roses and thrusting my hands into the cleansing fire wasn't such a good idea. Ah, Balance.
Focus needs to be on me, myself, and I. (This feels so wrong, yet also so right. Dunno if'n this makes any sense to anyone but me. Doesn't matter anyway.) Writing like this is one of the ways I purge myself, of Just Saying No to Negativity. Spring Cleansing's in process. Reawakening. Okay. I choose to emulate the butterfly. And the lark. And the wind...
Indulging the senses. Taking the time. Taking the trouble...no, BEING the trouble...
Having a helluva time accepting my competitive self. Must needs a healthy coping strategy (or two). Perhaps cutting myself some serious slack. Perhaps working on recasting and redirecting in non-comp terms.
Better yet, recalibrate to present options. Go deep, infrequently.
****
How to monetize interior decorating parachutes?
For now: healing myself w/music, w/working in the garden, w/wading through paperwork, w/doing the needful things. I want more than snibblets. Lots more. And so I must wake up, don my wings, spread 'em wide, and sail forth once more. But not going so far afield. Instead seek for what I want right here. This feels odd. This feeling warrants further marination. Don't want to nurture the feeling, but do want to suss it out. Back to churning. Hopefully making butter, or curds 'n' whey a bit further along.
This Land Is My Land. Am I really A One Trick Pony? (No, I think not ;-)
I've been in St George's chains, had 'em wrapped around my wrists and my neck. Old Town Cairo. Hot. In the low 80s even though 'twas early Dec. Folks around town wearing sweaters while we sweltered in t-shirts 'n' long pants. *adding scanning those pics to the To Do list*
I live a somewhat sheltered, monastic life. I find myself hermit'ing more and more. Was gonna say this isn't like me, 'cept it IS me...and so I wander back into the memory vaults, pulling out the trays of nostalgia and rooting down deep for initial causes - or at least for patterns which may make sense, even if'n it doesn't make me feel better. At least not initially, but then the search commences for how to burn it away yet again.
Heh. It's an odd and somewhat annoying thought that Fears & Worries & Concerns survive the Phoenixing. Mebbe tossing Pandora's Box onto the fire of sweet-smelling roses and thrusting my hands into the cleansing fire wasn't such a good idea. Ah, Balance.
Focus needs to be on me, myself, and I. (This feels so wrong, yet also so right. Dunno if'n this makes any sense to anyone but me. Doesn't matter anyway.) Writing like this is one of the ways I purge myself, of Just Saying No to Negativity. Spring Cleansing's in process. Reawakening. Okay. I choose to emulate the butterfly. And the lark. And the wind...
Indulging the senses. Taking the time. Taking the trouble...no, BEING the trouble...
Having a helluva time accepting my competitive self. Must needs a healthy coping strategy (or two). Perhaps cutting myself some serious slack. Perhaps working on recasting and redirecting in non-comp terms.
Better yet, recalibrate to present options. Go deep, infrequently.
****
How to monetize interior decorating parachutes?
For now: healing myself w/music, w/working in the garden, w/wading through paperwork, w/doing the needful things. I want more than snibblets. Lots more. And so I must wake up, don my wings, spread 'em wide, and sail forth once more. But not going so far afield. Instead seek for what I want right here. This feels odd. This feeling warrants further marination. Don't want to nurture the feeling, but do want to suss it out. Back to churning. Hopefully making butter, or curds 'n' whey a bit further along.
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no subject
Date: 2012-03-10 02:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-10 03:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-12 02:04 am (UTC)Hugs and love and strength to you, my friend. You're amazing in whatever space you find yourself.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-12 03:58 pm (UTC)Yeah, we're socialized well to take care of (and put) others first and foremost. Fie on this! Particularly since we'd be in better shape to do so IF we're taking good care of ourselves as well. It'd be nice to hang out again before long. If'n getting down here's too hard on your schedule, I'll see 'bout heading up yonder for a nice visit in the next couple of months. Hmm, mebbe a few hours at the Oly spa would work well for this?
no subject
Date: 2012-03-12 04:24 pm (UTC)But having you up here would be lovely as well. Just let me get through SMF...
*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2012-03-12 05:28 pm (UTC)Best wishes w/SMF. May it be uplifting, filling you full o' good stuff, soul-salving, and community goodness for you!