Visiting the Catacombs
Aug. 20th, 2005 10:17 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mlerulesWas down in the dumps but it got too dirty and smelly so I sidetracked to the catacombs. Don't like it here either. Was too tired last night to make it go away - to find the energy to leave it. So I spun for a while in a particularly non-productive loop of XXX (don't even wanna repeat it again - too farking bad to go through yet again...and I'll prolly do it anyway internally so why let it loose to romp and play for all to see?). Luckily felt much better this morning, not during 1st wake up (pre-7am) but upon 2nd wake up (a couple hours later). Not all better, still low-lying fog and haze messing w/my vision. I would like some clarification, as I'm making assumptions which isn't always the wisest thing to do. I should go to the source (outside myself) and see whassup...and am reluctant to do so. I don't like to be a bother. I don't like making a fool outta myself or an @ss outta myself. Yeah yeah, I know before I've said I don't mind...and many times I don't care or mind, but sometimes I DO - and this is one of those times. I don't know what's up or where I stand...b'c I haven't bothered to ASK. Again, b'c it's a bother. Perhaps it'd be better to exercise/display some of that goddamn Patience I've been blathering on at length about recently. WAIT & SEE. Because the phrase I SO WANNA USE is apt to cause bucking shying & bolting, which ain't really my goal. Plus, I know from experience that often - or at least at times - I'm exactly 180 degrees WRONG 'bout how folks feel 'bout me. So why don't I act under the assumption that the most positive version of possible realities is true? Because if'n that were the case, then things would be different. Thus the spiralling kicks in yet again. Not so far or fast this time. Now I'm realizing I'm making assumptions 'bout how others act...and how they feel based on how they act. Well, isn't this how we figure stuff out? If you say "ABC" but don't act like it - or at least how I'm used to folks acting if they feel ABC - then how much does it really matter anyway?
It's so much a qx of new Rules as new Formulas. We're talking different ingredients, different techniques, different interactions, different products. If I think of things in these terms rather than try to impose what I'm used to (and/or what I'd like/prefer), mebbe it'll seem/work out better. Ultimately, mebbe I SHOULD think of what's my GOAL, what I'm gonna get outta it. Don't like thinking in these terms w/people & r-ships. But if'n I've done so of late in negative terms, mebbe I should in positive ones, too.
I feel like I'm at a dance and nobody's quite explained the steps to me and I'm trying to dance along but keep getting my feet stepped on and I'm not sure how to stop that and go w/the flow...or whether I like the flow. Mebbe I'd be happier outside the dancehall, out in the fields, whirling & twirling & spinning w/the wind. Feeling similtaneously like I wanna curl up in a ball under the covers and flee - get outta Dodge for a while. Got an e-mail yesterday letting me know I've earned yet ANOTHER RapidRewards round-trip on SW airlines. Have a few to use up, some soon...should check and make sure I dinna let any expire (although you can always pay $50 for a 6-mo extension).
Meanwhile, there's a party this afternoon which I should be into and excited 'bout...'cept I'm feeling distinctly anti-social right now.
Need to do something/some stuff for ME real soon. Hard to get motivated for this though. blah. I know this won't last...but it's a real poop 'til it goes away and/or I push it away...and mebbe I should address and deal w/what's buggin' me rather than just sweep it under the rug.
It's so much a qx of new Rules as new Formulas. We're talking different ingredients, different techniques, different interactions, different products. If I think of things in these terms rather than try to impose what I'm used to (and/or what I'd like/prefer), mebbe it'll seem/work out better. Ultimately, mebbe I SHOULD think of what's my GOAL, what I'm gonna get outta it. Don't like thinking in these terms w/people & r-ships. But if'n I've done so of late in negative terms, mebbe I should in positive ones, too.
I feel like I'm at a dance and nobody's quite explained the steps to me and I'm trying to dance along but keep getting my feet stepped on and I'm not sure how to stop that and go w/the flow...or whether I like the flow. Mebbe I'd be happier outside the dancehall, out in the fields, whirling & twirling & spinning w/the wind. Feeling similtaneously like I wanna curl up in a ball under the covers and flee - get outta Dodge for a while. Got an e-mail yesterday letting me know I've earned yet ANOTHER RapidRewards round-trip on SW airlines. Have a few to use up, some soon...should check and make sure I dinna let any expire (although you can always pay $50 for a 6-mo extension).
Meanwhile, there's a party this afternoon which I should be into and excited 'bout...'cept I'm feeling distinctly anti-social right now.
Need to do something/some stuff for ME real soon. Hard to get motivated for this though. blah. I know this won't last...but it's a real poop 'til it goes away and/or I push it away...and mebbe I should address and deal w/what's buggin' me rather than just sweep it under the rug.
