mlerules

= Today's Implement of Minor Self- 'Struction (De- and Decon- and In- and Con- and Ob-)

Roller coaster'ing along pretty severely today. Trick lies in not acting based on emotions, while not stuffing 'em either. Hmm, hopefully posting ain't acting (inappropriately anyway). Hopefully those numerous negatives'll serve to cancel 'em all out, leaving behind...what, exactly? Not sure. Perhaps numbness.

'Cept I don't like numbness so much. Had a good, needful blast o' catharsis abrewing/ablowing earlier, but cut it a bit short. Not sure why.

Earlier, I felt like - so started - cranking tunes calculated to promote waterworks. At the time wrote then posted then locked and'm now reposting (I did mention roller coastering, right?!): Feeling like I want a huge-@ss dose of it (catharsis) right now. Wanna get it out...flush the system once again...dilute any bile w/sweet salty tears...puff up the heart so it's big red & puffy (matching my eyes)...let it swell and fill w/feelings, then let 'em out whoooooosh...sending tears pouring down my cheeks, flooding my nose, dripping off my chin, dampening my shirt. This's yet another way 'n' time when pain can feel oh-so-good. Even as it hurts like the Dickens, it's healing. (Right?!) And I need s'more healing...

Hmm, applying emotional numb-weed's wise at the start of serious onset o' pain, to stop short of shock. Feels like I've managed to tear off a corner of my heart scab so'm extra-tender once again. I know better...I knew better...I know better. (Yeah, adding insult of feeling foolish to pain of salty tears increasing the ache).

EDIT: 4:10pm - The sun's come out for a bit and I'm feeling a bit sunnier, too.