mlerules

This's been slowly cruising through my mind the past couple of days. Now that laundry's in the wash and I wanna stay up at least 'til I shift it into the dryer, I've got some time to down-/off-load some of whassup inside and how I'm learning to cope w/a kittenhead-free environment.

When kittenhead Fargo passed away (6 months ago tomorrow, when the cancer's gotten too much for him), I still had at home dear sweet kittenhead Havana (who died in my arms the day before yesterday at the vet's office - also due to cancer's nasty impact). Thus Fargo's passing was a bit easier to bear, as neither the Hive nor my life were totally bereft of kittenhead company at that point. In fact, Havana seemed to adapt quite well to becoming - and thoroughly enjoy her time as - Primary Kittenhead.

Now, though, now I've come to realize just how much my life has involved - and revolved around - the constant presence of kittenhead company at home (South/Hive). Even though I've been gone lots the past 4 years that I've lived in the PacNW - and for that matter for quite a bit of the previous half-dozen years in Santa Monica as well - I've always had a kittenhead (or 2) to greet me upon my return home. Now when I come home, there's no rush to the door (and no commensurate foot-blocking of fuzzbutts trying to escape out the front door ;-)

I miss the constant furry companionship, the meowing when I sneeze, the lump on my pillow and insistent tapping on my nose from Havana wanting to crawl under the covers w/me when it got chilly out, so many little things that I'd gotten accustomed to after so long. My life has now become far lonelier, but also far simpler.

How I'm coping is by intentionally focusing on shifting my life at home/Hive from cat-centric to cat-free. Monday afternoon, when I'd used up the last of the current TP roll, I purposefully put the replacement on w/the paper feeding out the top, rather than the bottom (as I'd done for nearly 15 years to avoid exactly what's shown in this post's icon). I put all the kitty food 'n' water bowls 'n' plates into the sink for washing (where they remain, as I've not had the wherewithal to deal w/a lotta basic housework the past couple of daze). There're no longer kitty-sleeping spots dotting the Hive. Soon I wanna donate stuff to GoodWill and chuck what's unneeded and un-pass-on-able.

'Twas lovely and warm out yesterday afternoon and into the evening. I opened the back door, pulled a folding chair onto the porch, put my feet up, sipped red wine, slurped down a nice scoop of recuperative ice cream, leaving the back door open wide all the while (w/out worrying 'bout kittenheads coming and and scurrying down into the backyard to explore and get into trouble). Similarly, I can now leave open the doors to the guest bedroom, attic, and basement, if I so choose, as these areas will now remain kitty-free w/out any effort on my part.

No longer do I worry 'bout comforters or clothes piled on the floor becoming pee-magnets. There won't be a build-up of kitty-fur on the furniture, on the floor, on the bedroom carpet, in my food, &c. When I go on a trip, I needn't make arrangements for a cat-sitter. Less responsibility means more freedom. Sure, I'd rather still have a healthy Havana at the Hive still, but since that wasn't to be, I'm gonna focus instead on how living kitty-free will allow me to do more things w/less worry rather than just be sad 'n' mopey. (Yeah, I'm sad and my heart's all achey-breakey, but life goes on, even if'n there's a furry-hole in my chest/life now.)

To put it into perspective, as

poeticlioness oh-so-perceptively pointed out when she was over Monday evening to keep me company, I lived with the kittenheads far longer than I lived w/my ex-hubby (by more than half-again as long; 9 years w/him, nearly 15 years w/them). No wonder it's so hard to deal with them both being gone!

But deal w/it I must, and I shall. And one way I'll deal w/it is by lavishing attention on other kittenheads I run into during my travels, such as today, when I got some good snuggles in w/

jaylake's mom's resident house-cat when we visited her casa briefly post-lacrosse game outing.

And now it's getting late and I've got a fair amount of stuff to do o'morrow, such as pack for the weekend away from the Hive. This weekend should be...interesting. Dunno what I'll make of it, b'c it doesn't really much matter. It's one of those "I'm gonna do what needs to be done b'c it needs doing" times. I've spent much of the past couple of days moping and feeling sad and thinking 'bout the past (life 'n' times w/kittenheads Fargo & Havana). Now, though, now it's time to look ahead, but not even very far ahead; now it's time to do what's necessary at the time. Luckily I do this well. I imagine there'll be blogging, but what I'll say and how I'll feel I cannot even imagine. There's a mode and a head-/heart-space I'm already feeling myself entering. It's productive. It's responsible. It's nurturing. It's serious (yet can be light-hearted and even playful, if that's what's called for).

The fact that cancer took both my kittenheads from me in the past <6 months, as well as my step-uncle this past weekend, and various other fambily 'n' friends o' friends in the past year(ish) just makes this next chunk o' time when I devote a fair amount of my time 'n' energy to helping a Dear Friend as he fights his next battle w/cancer even more worthwhile and important. Something something something 'bout balance. Dunno what 'xactly, but it feels even more right, relevant, and important somehow now.

I'm ready. And as so often happens, typing this all out has helped calm me and prepare me, girding me for the upcoming battles and helping prepare me for trials 'n' tribulations. Have at!