The Value of Fussbudgetry
Nov. 9th, 2010 07:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mlerulesMental meat bubbles.
Deep thoughts.
Flowing feelings.
Dipping my toes in vs. plunging my entire being into the pool.
Getting stuff done (externally & internally). Finding balance. Teetering.
Ritualized Obsession. Obsessive ritualizing. Neither appeals. Quite the opposite, in fact.
Drawing parallels. Dress-maker dummies and hat-stands for ideas/concepts. Scaffolding knowledge 'n' understanding.
Frustration from perceived inability to articulate whassup within balanced against belief in importance of having faith in oneself, in intuition, in doing the right/most appropriate thing in a timely manner. Mebbe trying will suffice. Perfection ain't gonna happen, so why worry 'bout it?
Here's a pattern with which I'm familiar from the past: fear/anti-competition, 'specially socially/emotionally. I don't wanna play these sorts of games. Perception of game-playing vs. actual motivation of game-playing. Passive-Aggressive B.S. I shy away from it, Big-Time. Um, yeah, I'm likely appearing pretty cryptic now, but I'm not intending to say/mean anything in particular...way too disorganized internally for this now. Hence the phrase "mental meat bubbles" - zombie-thoughts. Or something.
End Times. Things're shifting. Taking stock. Looking back. Looking ahead. Being right here right now, taking time to appreciate what is...and what soon will no longer be. Being sad. Pre-agonizing. Not too much. Not too far. Just enough. Poor dear kittenhead Fargo. Not yet on his last legs. Or mebbe that's exactly whassup. Unclear now. So I'm sitting here w/tears streaming down my face, remembering the years w/him in 'em, even as I take time to curl w/him, to squeeze out every last second of furriness, of closeness, of companionship, of...oh, hell...now I've done gone and lost it again... IT = my composure. Not that it really matters (IT = losing my composure or keeping my composure or my composure itself).
How important is keeping calm? How vital is maintaining control? Is this a qx of Fussbudgetry...or something else? Sometimes I just need to let go, to let it out, to let my hair down, to let the tears flow, to let the words flow out into the world...herein lays (gr) one of the benefits/values of journaling, IMNSHO.
Today I spent some time up in the attic, putting things away and pulling things out for sending away. Culling stuff's a bit like pulling teeth. It's farking hard work! I'm not so good w/the Just Do It when it comes to my stuff, although I've been good at helping others w/their stuff/the process. Yet I did some of it today, which pleases me. Baby steps count. Will do more and get more done and feel/get better in the process.
THIS is what I've been meaning and wanting to do. May it snowball and swell. Tides. Pulls. Draws. Attractions, repulsions, magnets. Time for more tea...non-caffeinated tho, as another night of staying up 'til the wee hours and then getting up relatively early does not appeal. I have made the claim that I lurv Sleep-Dep. And I certainly have enjoyed it. But not now.
Similarly, I claim to appreciate chaos. Yet today/these days I'm feeling a desire and/or a need to impose order on various parts of my life: the attic, boxes o' carp, books, &c. Again w/the need and desire for balance...and a teetering and skittering that I wanna get into control again.
It's Fall out: time for introspection and house/mind-cleaning. Seeking peace of mind/heart/soul.
Deep thoughts.
Flowing feelings.
Dipping my toes in vs. plunging my entire being into the pool.
Getting stuff done (externally & internally). Finding balance. Teetering.
Ritualized Obsession. Obsessive ritualizing. Neither appeals. Quite the opposite, in fact.
Drawing parallels. Dress-maker dummies and hat-stands for ideas/concepts. Scaffolding knowledge 'n' understanding.
Frustration from perceived inability to articulate whassup within balanced against belief in importance of having faith in oneself, in intuition, in doing the right/most appropriate thing in a timely manner. Mebbe trying will suffice. Perfection ain't gonna happen, so why worry 'bout it?
Here's a pattern with which I'm familiar from the past: fear/anti-competition, 'specially socially/emotionally. I don't wanna play these sorts of games. Perception of game-playing vs. actual motivation of game-playing. Passive-Aggressive B.S. I shy away from it, Big-Time. Um, yeah, I'm likely appearing pretty cryptic now, but I'm not intending to say/mean anything in particular...way too disorganized internally for this now. Hence the phrase "mental meat bubbles" - zombie-thoughts. Or something.
End Times. Things're shifting. Taking stock. Looking back. Looking ahead. Being right here right now, taking time to appreciate what is...and what soon will no longer be. Being sad. Pre-agonizing. Not too much. Not too far. Just enough. Poor dear kittenhead Fargo. Not yet on his last legs. Or mebbe that's exactly whassup. Unclear now. So I'm sitting here w/tears streaming down my face, remembering the years w/him in 'em, even as I take time to curl w/him, to squeeze out every last second of furriness, of closeness, of companionship, of...oh, hell...now I've done gone and lost it again... IT = my composure. Not that it really matters (IT = losing my composure or keeping my composure or my composure itself).
How important is keeping calm? How vital is maintaining control? Is this a qx of Fussbudgetry...or something else? Sometimes I just need to let go, to let it out, to let my hair down, to let the tears flow, to let the words flow out into the world...herein lays (gr) one of the benefits/values of journaling, IMNSHO.
Today I spent some time up in the attic, putting things away and pulling things out for sending away. Culling stuff's a bit like pulling teeth. It's farking hard work! I'm not so good w/the Just Do It when it comes to my stuff, although I've been good at helping others w/their stuff/the process. Yet I did some of it today, which pleases me. Baby steps count. Will do more and get more done and feel/get better in the process.
THIS is what I've been meaning and wanting to do. May it snowball and swell. Tides. Pulls. Draws. Attractions, repulsions, magnets. Time for more tea...non-caffeinated tho, as another night of staying up 'til the wee hours and then getting up relatively early does not appeal. I have made the claim that I lurv Sleep-Dep. And I certainly have enjoyed it. But not now.
Similarly, I claim to appreciate chaos. Yet today/these days I'm feeling a desire and/or a need to impose order on various parts of my life: the attic, boxes o' carp, books, &c. Again w/the need and desire for balance...and a teetering and skittering that I wanna get into control again.
It's Fall out: time for introspection and house/mind-cleaning. Seeking peace of mind/heart/soul.
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no subject
Date: 2010-11-10 03:50 am (UTC)before we went in, I carried her around in a basket outside in bird-covered areas. I knew she loved it, listening to the birds. She picked her head up but could not be bothered for anything else. I think, Once they stop drinking fluids, that the deterioration goes pretty fast.
have a big cry. crying sends the cortisol out of our body.
hang in there.
no subject
Date: 2010-11-10 03:57 am (UTC)Hoping to see you folks over Winter break.
no subject
Date: 2010-11-10 04:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-11-10 04:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-11-10 04:36 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-11-10 04:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-11-10 04:41 am (UTC)Regarding Fargo, I am saddened to hear this. Poor baby, you and him. If there is anything that i can do to help ease you please just let me know.
Love and support.
no subject
Date: 2010-11-10 04:43 am (UTC)yeah. I dunno bout you, but my mouth is worth more than my jewelry box...
I'll it run by Stef when he gets home
no subject
Date: 2010-11-10 05:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-11-10 05:19 am (UTC)Word. My posts of late have been big jumbled messes of me trying to work stuff out in my own head by getting it down on paper to look at. At least this way the pages aren't covered in giant tear drops. Keyboards clean up much easier than pages.
I ♥ you.
no subject
Date: 2010-11-10 05:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-11-10 06:16 am (UTC)And sorry, but I'm not up for hanging out o'morrow after all...
no subject
Date: 2010-11-10 03:50 pm (UTC)