Missing Ducks / Down Duck Time

[mlerules]

I'm really not very used to long spells of wanting the ducks just to stay put, to preferring they not wander all over Creation(mine), to declining offers to set out there & back again, but instead putting my feet up by the (metaphorical) fire. [An aside: I want more fire in my life. Ditto more drums. And by virtue of stating my intentions and taking action aka being proactive (*shudders at the prospect of such phrases re-entering my life on a regular basis*), I have made it so (or at least helped usher it along)]

Thank you for those in my life who help w/such matters, and to those who keep in touch (regularly or irregularly). I treasure you. Time is a luxury and I do appreciate what I have and what you give. I've been taking time for myself recently. (And've felt horribly guilty about it, truth be told. Still, I'm getting past this now. Not quite sure where it came from, but would really prefer it be - and stay - gone.)

Anyway, as I was saying:

I've been enjoying Quiet Duck-Time...Down Duck-Time...MLE-Time...Hive-Time. I guess there's nothing inherently WRONG w/slug-time (frittering away the hours in an off-hand way), although that darned Protestant "Thou Shalt Not Waste Time/Anything" bit keeps jabbing me in the...hmm, where does one's guilt-complex live/reside anyway? Is it part of the soul, or the psyche, the id. I used to know - or was at least capable of parroting current theories. These skills have grown weak.

Skills I've been focusing on instead: culling resentments. Okay. THIS is what I'm gonna burn for Woomancipation this year. Not quite sure how to represent them/it artistically - or at least flammably. Letting 'em go also allows (and they should indeed go together) me to banish regret(s).

Hmm. I don't necessarily want to give up/in, but I don't wanna be hindbound either. I choose to be patient. More importantly, I choose to live life now, to enjoy and appreciate what I have (a darned good life w/darned good people in't), rather than focus on what I don't have.

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A theoretical aside: Benchmarks're important. Stopping to take stock, to compare where I've been w/where I'm at in light of where I want(ed) to be. However, assumptions and expectations and hopes and desires re: time-lines do vary amongst/between people. To avoid resentment, it's best to be clear 'bout such, both w/yourself and w/others. Once clear, then it's time to Hit Reset, taking into account all relevant people's desires, thoughts, feelings, hopes, wishes, needs. New expectations arise. Perhaps shared ones, perhaps not.

Ah, the importance of a time-line, of knowing whassup, of having a goal in sight and at least some idea of how to achieve it AND at least some inkling that progress (even baby steps) is happening. Balancing this though w/patience (and understanding) so that there's no feelings of "reporting requirements," no pressure, no obligation. Gee, I do hope that pointing out that I do not intend pressure to result does not in and of itself result in feelings of pressure being applied/felt. *sigh* I admit to having very little patience w/this kinda looping, which makes me feel a bit bad/hypocritical b'c I admit (not always freely) to gerbiling way too much at times, to treating nearly everything as a great big ball of wax. *sigh* Once again, time to let sh!t GO. Not gonna wait 'til Woomancipation though to work on this. Gonna do it, then look back at it (more effective than mere visualization ;-) Will think on how to represent it...oooh, it's a Time thing, so mebbe a calendar would do... Wow. Actually, there's lots o' letting go of STUFF involved w/calendars, too.

I don't know for sure, but I'm pretty sure I've never (or only rarely, unless I got sensible during some move or other but don't remember it) gotten rid of a calendar (and I have 'em every year). But there's neato art, I tell myself, and mebbe I'll do a collage or use 'em for a teaching / art project I say in defense/rationalization/justification. Okay, actually, this is a darned good idea. I shall collect up 'em for precisely this purpose as a tool in my sub-teacher tool-kit. Yay for plans o' actions arising from shaken-fizzy-head-bubblings!

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Oh, I miss so many people. I want more good people closer by. They're here. I shall find 'em. No desire to absorb 'em, Borg-style, I just want more bump-up-againsts (um, thinking mind-wise as I typed it, but yeah, I wouldn't mind t'other either ;-)

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And now I'm back to being happy w/my time in my own space. Connections ebb & flow w/energy levels, geography, schedules, &c. I prefer deeper richer connections to shallower surface ones. I crave intimacy. I'm open to it. I seek sparks, but also calmer connections: ripples across a pond and/or bubbles upwelling from discussions and/or experiences shared. I seek engagement: working together towards some common goals. Actions may speak louder than words, but I do consider the speaking/writing of words as an active process ('specially when combined w/good active listening/reading). Furthermore, I like words/speaking/connections made therefrom. And w/distance it becomes even more important. Still, it's not the same as huggling, smooching, gazing into eyes, &c.

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I finally feel like starting to looking ahead s'more, taking up the ducks, straightening their pin-feathers, aligning the magnets, flipping pages to find the next hymn, loosening up muscles, gathering up gumption, getting ready to tear through my chrysalis walls, flap my wings (and those of my proto-ducks) and once more GOING & DOING things further away from here.

While keeping in mind my desire to spend more time here, I find myself willing to expand my definition of "here". ;-)

Comments

[vismaya-viewer.livejournal.com]

Good luck with the belly button gazing, finding balance and banishing guilt. I'm in the same boat with you. *hugs*

[ignusfaatus.livejournal.com]

oh I have an idea about teaching and calendars!
Kids are SO hard on their textbooks. Why not give them a session where they make book covers? The paper from a calendar is nice and thick. Perhaps a personalized book cover would even encourage them to bring their home work home with them
:D

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

Good idea!

[sidhefire.livejournal.com]

Thank you as always for sharing your thinky thoughts! I always get some sort of inspiration from you!