Weird Dream
Jul. 30th, 2005 08:27 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mlerulesAt first I was in bed w/a boy, then we rolled out onto the floor, and then my father roared in, angry as sh!t, brandishing an art catalogue and his will (all rolled up like a club) with which he then began beating us about the head and neck and back and whatnot. This was the culmination of a long complicated set of dreams, some of which are recurring...wow - been a long time since I remember anything 'bout my dream life/world.
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Meanwhile, in the non-dream supposedly real world: back to that olde adage "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" - feeling like I'm gonna be getting stronger real soon, as a result of dealing with a particularly rich flow of emotions triggered by certain events yest eve. The last time I felt a flood of strong bad emotion (particular incident a few weeks back), I thought 'bout it, journalled it out, and realized that I have a special sore spot, a candy apple red button leftover from another r-ship that someone had tripped over (unbeknownst to them...and apparently to me, too). After realizing it, and running the emotional gamut (pain, depression, anger, blah blah blah) - which only took a few hours/one evening w/more thinking and processing the next day, I was okay w/it, not blaming the person who accidently found the trigger. (Yeah, not telling the person either...it's MY problem to deal with...if'n it were to recur w/me feeling the same way again, which I'm hoping will not be the case b'c I think I'll be more objective/rational 'bout it rather than let it trigger such a strong bad response, I may well explain whassup...or not. Will figure it out when it comes up.)
I'm apparently not as in touch w/my feelings as I'd like. I was just slapped hard in the face w/a situation that I shoulda seen coming. P'rhaps I just wasn't expecting it so soon, and not in precisely such a forum, but it triggered a whole flood of feelings that I'm now trying to deal with. How does one DEAL with feelings? I'm trying to make this experience educational by figuring out how I deal w/stuff and things, how well it works, and how it could be improved. Seems like I'll try to figure out what I'm feeling and how I'm feeling and why...then will just give in and experience the feelings (cold salty tears running down my face but keeping sobbing to a minimum so I don't drive off the road). After a bit, this runs its course and I'm left...not sure. A bit drained, but also exhilerated that something/one could affect me so strongly. Then it's a round of minor recriminations/regrets that things dinna work out better. THEY DIDN'T AND ALL THE WORK IN THE WORLD WOULDN'T CHANGE SOME BASIC INCOMPATABILITIES. Yeah, it's too damned bad, but it's the way it is.
And what it feels like is this: basically I'm replaceable, not special, not unique, not someone who was loved, but merely someone who filled a particular role/set of roles, which perhaps anyone willing to fill could fill. I don't like feeling this way. How I like to feel in a job is indispensible, special, needed & desired. Instead of part 3A in aisle 13B at Home Depot, I wanna be someone that matters, where it makes a difference b'c of who I am and how I mesh w/the other person. Mebbe I'm fooling myself. Mebbe I'm blowing smoke outta my butt. And once I experience these feelings in the context of one particular r-ship, I immediately (or shortly thereafter anyway) pull back and start examining all my r-ships to see if'n this is a pattern. AND A R-SHIP ISN'T (OR SHOULDN'T MERELY BE) A JOB.
I seek patterns. Here's another pattern I've discerned, a relatively recent one, previously rare - hell, nigh on nonexistent - lovers losing sexual interest in me after an initial phase of great interest/desire. The first big time this came up, I finally came to terms w/it being him, not me. But it took much work and time. Then it happened again, and the particular facts led me to believe 'twas more him and less me. Right now: I should know that it's not me, but instead the circumstances. But now I'm starting to have doubts...they're flooding my psyche: about replaceablility, about being used, about merely being in the right place at the right time and being willing but not being liked/desired/appreciated for me rather than the release/escape offered. What's so farking annoying about this (besides the obvious feelings of inadequacy and undesireability) is that I've gone down this path before. At some point it may have even been the default path I followed: he can't like ME, it's just that I'm here and okay w/it. After much time and effort and many experiences, I'd gotten past it. But when you work past something, reroute the path, replace olde emotional muscle memory...then something happens to take you down this path again, you find something's triggered this response again, one side effect being a flood of feeling making you think mebbe you were right all the time, there IS something not right or special or even actively wrong w/you. THIS is one of the demons I'm wrestling w/right now. I'll beat it down once again. I'm far stronger now than I've ever been, far more secure. Again: I know I'm worth it...it's just convincing others, no, FINDING others who'll figure it out for themselves...who can and will appreciate me.
Am just as happy to be spending the rest of the w'end w/a whole separate set of friends, none of whom will trigger anything like this. In fact, I'll feel quite attractive and appreciated in this context. It's far better than curling up in a ball under the covers and sleeping all w'end. Actually, thinking I'll do this last bit for a little while this morning anyway...b'c it's comforting and special and nice...and to the kitties I am irreplaceable.
************************
Meanwhile, in the non-dream supposedly real world: back to that olde adage "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" - feeling like I'm gonna be getting stronger real soon, as a result of dealing with a particularly rich flow of emotions triggered by certain events yest eve. The last time I felt a flood of strong bad emotion (particular incident a few weeks back), I thought 'bout it, journalled it out, and realized that I have a special sore spot, a candy apple red button leftover from another r-ship that someone had tripped over (unbeknownst to them...and apparently to me, too). After realizing it, and running the emotional gamut (pain, depression, anger, blah blah blah) - which only took a few hours/one evening w/more thinking and processing the next day, I was okay w/it, not blaming the person who accidently found the trigger. (Yeah, not telling the person either...it's MY problem to deal with...if'n it were to recur w/me feeling the same way again, which I'm hoping will not be the case b'c I think I'll be more objective/rational 'bout it rather than let it trigger such a strong bad response, I may well explain whassup...or not. Will figure it out when it comes up.)
I'm apparently not as in touch w/my feelings as I'd like. I was just slapped hard in the face w/a situation that I shoulda seen coming. P'rhaps I just wasn't expecting it so soon, and not in precisely such a forum, but it triggered a whole flood of feelings that I'm now trying to deal with. How does one DEAL with feelings? I'm trying to make this experience educational by figuring out how I deal w/stuff and things, how well it works, and how it could be improved. Seems like I'll try to figure out what I'm feeling and how I'm feeling and why...then will just give in and experience the feelings (cold salty tears running down my face but keeping sobbing to a minimum so I don't drive off the road). After a bit, this runs its course and I'm left...not sure. A bit drained, but also exhilerated that something/one could affect me so strongly. Then it's a round of minor recriminations/regrets that things dinna work out better. THEY DIDN'T AND ALL THE WORK IN THE WORLD WOULDN'T CHANGE SOME BASIC INCOMPATABILITIES. Yeah, it's too damned bad, but it's the way it is.
And what it feels like is this: basically I'm replaceable, not special, not unique, not someone who was loved, but merely someone who filled a particular role/set of roles, which perhaps anyone willing to fill could fill. I don't like feeling this way. How I like to feel in a job is indispensible, special, needed & desired. Instead of part 3A in aisle 13B at Home Depot, I wanna be someone that matters, where it makes a difference b'c of who I am and how I mesh w/the other person. Mebbe I'm fooling myself. Mebbe I'm blowing smoke outta my butt. And once I experience these feelings in the context of one particular r-ship, I immediately (or shortly thereafter anyway) pull back and start examining all my r-ships to see if'n this is a pattern. AND A R-SHIP ISN'T (OR SHOULDN'T MERELY BE) A JOB.
I seek patterns. Here's another pattern I've discerned, a relatively recent one, previously rare - hell, nigh on nonexistent - lovers losing sexual interest in me after an initial phase of great interest/desire. The first big time this came up, I finally came to terms w/it being him, not me. But it took much work and time. Then it happened again, and the particular facts led me to believe 'twas more him and less me. Right now: I should know that it's not me, but instead the circumstances. But now I'm starting to have doubts...they're flooding my psyche: about replaceablility, about being used, about merely being in the right place at the right time and being willing but not being liked/desired/appreciated for me rather than the release/escape offered. What's so farking annoying about this (besides the obvious feelings of inadequacy and undesireability) is that I've gone down this path before. At some point it may have even been the default path I followed: he can't like ME, it's just that I'm here and okay w/it. After much time and effort and many experiences, I'd gotten past it. But when you work past something, reroute the path, replace olde emotional muscle memory...then something happens to take you down this path again, you find something's triggered this response again, one side effect being a flood of feeling making you think mebbe you were right all the time, there IS something not right or special or even actively wrong w/you. THIS is one of the demons I'm wrestling w/right now. I'll beat it down once again. I'm far stronger now than I've ever been, far more secure. Again: I know I'm worth it...it's just convincing others, no, FINDING others who'll figure it out for themselves...who can and will appreciate me.
Am just as happy to be spending the rest of the w'end w/a whole separate set of friends, none of whom will trigger anything like this. In fact, I'll feel quite attractive and appreciated in this context. It's far better than curling up in a ball under the covers and sleeping all w'end. Actually, thinking I'll do this last bit for a little while this morning anyway...b'c it's comforting and special and nice...and to the kitties I am irreplaceable.
