On R-ships

[mlerules]

From a movie review (3 of Hearts, poly docu):

It made very clear some of the ways a relationship (any, but particularly poly) will fail.It emphasized the importance of knowing what you want up front, making it clear up front, and bringing it up if things change. ... there was no long-term goal, just "this sounds great, it feels great, let's do this" and rather haphazard handling of everything. For years. Until there were dependents and entangled finances and other such obstacles. Legal issues were not pursued until they were imminent. Etc. Much to look at and say "they did it poorly here, here and here - to avoid those issues do this, this, and this in advance".

In a recently reposted previous published article on r-ships by nightrythm, she asks several quite good qx which raises quite a few issues. Among the qx posed: what do I need to be happy/fulfilled, am I happy/fulfilled, as well as stuff re: whether a contract has been made and what rules govern the r-ship (originally & now) and how (and why) they change over time.

So I start thinking 'bout stuff and things, well continue actually 'cause at some level I'm always thinking 'bout this sorta thing like all sorts of things and stuff, and what I come up with is this:

WHEN 'xactly does/should one start thinking 'bout the future, and how far into the future does one think 'bout, and what sorts of RULES are necessary/desired and what else could/should go into any sort of Contract w/someone w/whom you're in a r-ship? 'Cause right now I'm happy and fulfilled even though I'm really not too sure WHY. But I'm purposefully not thinking too far into the future. Things as they are, however that may be, will likely stay as they are for the next few months, at which point gawd only knows what things'll look like and/or (d)evolve into. Time & energy'll be even tighter and in greater demand elsewhere (other than w/me).

Hmm, what's about to come out is pretty much purely spontaneous, although the result of a certain amount of reflection...the words are NOT chosen w/care but will spew forth (and fifth): what seems to matter is that time spent together ends up creating/promoting energy which makes time spent apart better. Expectations currently don't exist. Nah, guess that's not so, but they're exceedingly low/easy to meet/have met: if'n there's availability (time & energy) on a certain eve, we'll get together and hang out. Hmm, not quite right (dangit my No Delete policy kicks in). I know it's not that simple - and I do GREATLY appreciate the time/energy I get, but it's fairly simple as opposed to more complex: it's togetherness time, spent doing whatEVER. It's really more along the lines of "this feels great, let's do this." At this point, this suffices. No huge set of rules is needed. No contract has been made (that I'm aware of anyway). What is, is. What will be, will be...we'll figure this out as we go along. Not to say I won't think about things and stuff and what might be, but for now it's not really an issue. It's fine as is. And it's a delightful change from much of my past when I'd wander into a r-ship w/a clear picture of what I wanted it to look like (regardless of whether I communicated this vision), of what it (a r-ship) "should" look like. It in this case is developing. It's early on...and I don't even like to lodge it in time...it's sorta outside time: it's on its own schedule.

Outside events will impact the schedule: availability issues will arise as responsibilities increase. In simplest terms: availability will decrease and prioritization issues will (as always) kick in. My goal: find a way to fit in. Unobtrusively. Hopefully helpfully. For now, I'm not worrying 'bout it, 'bout anything really. I'm quite happy and fulfilled w/the ways things are, which includes an unclear/uncertain, which is fine. Amazing when I think 'bout it, given my past preference for certainty. But I have certainty: I have good friends and I am a good friend. How this will manifest itself, like the future, remains to be seen. Love & f-ship will prevail. That's good 'nuff for me for now.

Comments

[stacymckenna.livejournal.com]

"this feels good - let's do it!" is perfectly suitable in a relationship like yours. When you start cohabitating, combining finances, and having offspring... well, it's good to have synchronized/compatible goals at that point...;)

[mlerules.livejournal.com]

Yep.