Ambivalence = Of 12 Minds
Sep. 27th, 2005 04:39 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mlerulesNah, just wanted to toss out the hacked to bits quote. I seek Serenity. Not the ship, the state of mind. Have managed in this past eve/wee hours to imagine both the best case scenario and worse case scenario (emotional-ramification-wise, complete w/emotional resonance)...and am sick unto death w/the whole damn thing. Managed to acheive (stumble upon...whatever) some moments of quietude earlier, when I was just happy to be w/out thinking 'bout "what if's." No epiphanies tonight (last night)...but a slowly dawning awareness of how things ARE...and a slowly reached acceptance of the facts of the matter, which spun away later on (earlier today).
Realization of wants/needs coming clearer: not working now and not in school, so I'm not around people nearly enough, not talking and thinking and working stuff through. Taking in input and babbling out some output, but not really getting anywhere (hence the frequent spinning talk). Need the brain/mind/intellect to be working at more stuff, on more stuff, not just fermenting. Pickling's right out. Need a jump start. Need a good quality carb boost (-buretor, not -bohydrate).
Ain't gonna find it sulking or napping or keeping myself inside avoiding all and sundry. Must get out and about. I crave...mind blowingness. Even tiny pinpricks of (de)light would be marvelous. I need a focus/direction...and canNOT continue where I've been going. I wanna bounce...around giddily, ideas off receptive walls. I wanna pluck butterflies off faux arm tattoos. I wanna give freely and take freely...and often. I am filled to bursting. So I leak a little bit of it here...
I do not want to be vulnerable and wounded. That'd suck. In a bad way. Part of working sh!t out here is to let me examine the tissue ripe for damage in hopes of prepping it to ward off...whatever may come. Time to take a deep healing cleansing breathe, then let it out, let it GO.
Time to take a hot shower b'c I'm freezing w/the window wide open.
Realization of wants/needs coming clearer: not working now and not in school, so I'm not around people nearly enough, not talking and thinking and working stuff through. Taking in input and babbling out some output, but not really getting anywhere (hence the frequent spinning talk). Need the brain/mind/intellect to be working at more stuff, on more stuff, not just fermenting. Pickling's right out. Need a jump start. Need a good quality carb boost (-buretor, not -bohydrate).
Ain't gonna find it sulking or napping or keeping myself inside avoiding all and sundry. Must get out and about. I crave...mind blowingness. Even tiny pinpricks of (de)light would be marvelous. I need a focus/direction...and canNOT continue where I've been going. I wanna bounce...around giddily, ideas off receptive walls. I wanna pluck butterflies off faux arm tattoos. I wanna give freely and take freely...and often. I am filled to bursting. So I leak a little bit of it here...
I do not want to be vulnerable and wounded. That'd suck. In a bad way. Part of working sh!t out here is to let me examine the tissue ripe for damage in hopes of prepping it to ward off...whatever may come. Time to take a deep healing cleansing breathe, then let it out, let it GO.
Time to take a hot shower b'c I'm freezing w/the window wide open.
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no subject
Date: 2005-09-27 05:14 pm (UTC)Your wants sound so wonderous...I hope you get everything you want...and if I can help in anyway let me know. I don't have a butterfly you can pick, but I have a naked fairy! :) Good luck. My thoughts are with you
no subject
Date: 2005-09-27 05:17 pm (UTC)Indeed there is - I've found it at times and it's lovely. Even if it's horrid (as the truth sometimes is), I'm happier knowing FOR CERTAIN than repeatedly bashing my head against the wall. If IT's bad (whatever the issue may be), if'n it's clear, then I can figure out what to do about it (run, hide, smack it upside its head, gather up my friends and head for the onion field, whatever).
Thx much for thoughts and the nekkid faerie offer!