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Where I'm At
Have spent hours & hours sleeping the past few days...and nights. Perhaps that's part of why I'm feeling so disconnected tonight. My life's feeling surreal. Ephemeral connections abound. Fixtures? Not so much. Conflicted 'tween wanting to be tied down and not wanting to be tied down.
Must remember that I'm not settling. I've got something. It's good. It's not enough/quite right. But it helps me get a better handle on what I want/need - or so I tell myself when I think 'bout it. Here's where I'm headed w/this: dissatisfaction's a good sign, 'cause it means I'm aware there's still more/other out there for me in here and I'm not fully happy w/what I've got. [Some l'il nagging part of me wonders whether I had IT in my hands at some point and let it escape...whether I squandered - or didn't recognize - an opportunity through foolishness or lack of wisdom/maturity.]
Satisfaction far outweights dis- in general in my life these daze. Realization: tonight's feelings ain't gonna last long and don't go super-duper deep and ain't indicative of much more than a generalized minor malaise. They're a symptom of the the higher you rise, the further you fall syndrome. I've been riding so high that my crash just hits a bit harder.
Meanwhile: contrasts serve well to highlight possible issues. What about solutions? I prefer practicality to whatever else's going on (merely whining). If'n the issue's an unequal Give & Take, then...then what? Guess I should raise the issue, point it out, and suggest possible avenues to rectify the situation. Now where the heck is the pudding? (Wherein lies the proof, that is.) I don't wanna fuss. I don't wanna get what I want/need by virtue of fussing...I want it to be freely given. Issue's been raised. Repeatedly. Possible solution/action's been suggested. Now I guess I wait. FOR HOW LONG/MUCH? And if'n it's not forthcoming? Then what? Of course, if'n I fixate on this too much, then I ain't available for the goodness that IS available/forthcoming.
Not pleased to be whining even this much. Will let it stand as a snapshot of a moment in time. So much of the past few days' wonderfulness has gone unrecorded. This makes tonight's depth-charge of sad flatness but an island in a sea of richness. Perhaps I'm worried a bit that the richness is short-lived and can/will-not continue. Such things happen.
Must remember that I'm not settling. I've got something. It's good. It's not enough/quite right. But it helps me get a better handle on what I want/need - or so I tell myself when I think 'bout it. Here's where I'm headed w/this: dissatisfaction's a good sign, 'cause it means I'm aware there's still more/other out there for me in here and I'm not fully happy w/what I've got. [Some l'il nagging part of me wonders whether I had IT in my hands at some point and let it escape...whether I squandered - or didn't recognize - an opportunity through foolishness or lack of wisdom/maturity.]
Satisfaction far outweights dis- in general in my life these daze. Realization: tonight's feelings ain't gonna last long and don't go super-duper deep and ain't indicative of much more than a generalized minor malaise. They're a symptom of the the higher you rise, the further you fall syndrome. I've been riding so high that my crash just hits a bit harder.
Meanwhile: contrasts serve well to highlight possible issues. What about solutions? I prefer practicality to whatever else's going on (merely whining). If'n the issue's an unequal Give & Take, then...then what? Guess I should raise the issue, point it out, and suggest possible avenues to rectify the situation. Now where the heck is the pudding? (Wherein lies the proof, that is.) I don't wanna fuss. I don't wanna get what I want/need by virtue of fussing...I want it to be freely given. Issue's been raised. Repeatedly. Possible solution/action's been suggested. Now I guess I wait. FOR HOW LONG/MUCH? And if'n it's not forthcoming? Then what? Of course, if'n I fixate on this too much, then I ain't available for the goodness that IS available/forthcoming.
Not pleased to be whining even this much. Will let it stand as a snapshot of a moment in time. So much of the past few days' wonderfulness has gone unrecorded. This makes tonight's depth-charge of sad flatness but an island in a sea of richness. Perhaps I'm worried a bit that the richness is short-lived and can/will-not continue. Such things happen.
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Being is good.
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(Anonymous) 2006-09-28 09:31 am (UTC)(link)no subject
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I'd love to have those answers, myself.
*hugs*
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The real trick to all this is simply to realize that you aren't perfect and will make bad judgements. Forgive yourself. When you look back and realize that you threw away something wonderful, it's because you weren't ready yet. When you look back and realize that you hung on to something terrible for way too long, it's because you hadn't learned any better yet.
Make the choices that feel right at the time, and stand by them as the only choice you could have made at the time. If, three months later, you realize you're worse off, well, at least you know never to do that again. You've grown. You've learned.
As long as you spend your entire life learning from your experiences, you're living life to its fullest.
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Sometimes the reverse it true. Analysis? Life is like a box of chocalates. You never know what you're gonna git. And what you git is up to you whether or not you like it.